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Full text of "The Country Wife"

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Digitized by Google 



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4 -'i /«it.^ 

THE 

COUNTRY WIFE 

A 

C O M E D Y, 

As it is A^ed at die 

THEATRE-ROYAL. 

m \ • 

Written by Mr. Wycherley. 



Indignor quidquam refrehendi^ nm qu}a crafs^ 
X2ompeJitum illepidS'vt futetury fid quia nuper : 
Nee <vemam antiquU^ fedhtmorem hf frcema fofd, 

Horat; 




^ - ■' "■ ■ " ■ »» 



L O N D Q ^: 

Printed for C. Bathurst, at the Grofs-keyt^ ovcr- 
againft St. Dunjlan\ Churchy Fleet-Stf^eU 






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PROLOGUE, 

Spoken by Mr. HA R T. 

PdETSr like CudgilTd Bullies't m^er do 
Atjirft or fecmdBlamo fuhtnit to you ; 
But tuill provoke you ftillj and ne'er havt dontf 
Tilltyou are nnearyfirft nviti laying on : . . . . v . 
The latefo baffled Scribler of this Dav, 
Tho* bcftandsfrembkng^ bids meipfdly/ayf 
What nhi before moft Plays are us^d todoy 
For Poets, out ofFeatyfirft.dranv on you i. 
A afimt Pro^gui^ theJHll Pit defy, ' 
And 9^eiyiouJ^akj . like Caftril, p<ve the Lye i . j \ 
But th^aar Bays'j Battles oft fve fought, * ' 1 
And nmtb brtiis'd Knuckles tkeir dear Conquers imght i^. 
Nay^ never yet feared Odds t^on the Stage^ 
Jfc Prologue dare not be&or *with the Age ; 
Butv^dtaki^s^er from year fannngHandij^ / 

Tbo'B^Y^'wk^aU yielding cotmternifiHfSt: I 

Says, you confederate IVits no Quarter give-, 
Therefore his Playfhaiit ajkyour Leofve tc Vmt : 
Well, let the vain rcL/h Fop, by hufingfi, 
Think to o^Mn tie better Tltrfnf tfyou i , . * 
But ive, the A/Iors, humbly vjilljulmt, 
Nov;, and at any time, to a full Pit ; 
Vcg, often vie anticipate your Rage, 
And murder Poets for you on our Stage : 
Wefet no Guards upon our Tyring- Room, 
JlMt'Vfhei^voitb flying Colours there you cotm% 
We patiently, you fee, give up tayou. 
Our Poets, Virgins, nay our Matrom too^ 

A» THE 

Digitized by Google 



r 4 1 



T|ie PERSONS, 



IVX Mr. Harcourff ., 
Mr. Dorilant, 
Mr. Phcbw^fg 
Mr. Spafii/by 
Sir 3^/^^ f /</jf */, 

Mrs. Margery Pfucbwififp 
Mrs. AlitbeOf 
JAy h^Ay FidgeU 
Mrs. Dainty JUgit, 
Mrs. Squeamifii . 
Old Lady Squiomi/bg 



Mr. rf^r/. 

,Mr« KenafimA 
Mr. Ly<£^. 
Mr. Molmft» 
Mr* Hojptes* 
Mr- Cartwrigbt% 

Mrs. BovjHL 
Mrs. James • 
Mr»» /r«<^. 
Mrs. Corbet* 
Mi-s. X^tf/^ 
Mrs. lti^f«r« 



'' Wuter^j $erviuits» and Attendant!* 



A Boy. 

A Qnacki 

£i^» Jlitbea'% Miidi^ 



Mr.4^A«/Wit 



The S C E N E Xwrfw. 



J'Ht 



d by Google 



I 5 ] 



THE 



COUNTRY WIFE. 



A C T I. S C E N E. L 

EnUr Horner, wid Q^dc following Urn of a Difianee, 

Btm* A . Quack is St fit for a Pimp, as a Mi4wife foc[ 

/\ ■ aBaud J. they are ftill |>ut in they Wajr/ 

. x\. ^^* ^^P^^* ^^ Nature— {4/W^J.vWell/ 

iny dear Doctor, haft thau iioae what I de- 

firM? 

S(uaci. I have undone you for ever .with the Womexiy ix^ 
reported you thro 'out the whole Town as bad as an £unuch». 
with as much Trouble as if I had made you one ia eameft* 

Honi, But have you told all the Midwives you know^ the 
Ofange Wenches at the Play-houfes» the City Husbands* 
i^nd old fumbling' Keepers of this end of the Town ; for 
they'll be the readieft to report it. 

^Ijutck. I have told all the ChAmber-maids» Waiting-wo-« 
men» Tvre-woiliienf and dd Women of my Ac^uaintanpe i 
nay, and whifperM it as a Secret^o *em» and to the Whif- 
perers of WTjiUoall \ fo that you need not doidi>t *twiU iprcad* 
and you will be as odious to the handfomc young WomeD» 
as — :• 

Htfnf. AsthefinallPpx-— Well--- : ^ 

* S^imck. fixiA to the married Women of this ep4of tl>» 
Town, as— - . . '. ' 

Horn. As the great oftes \ nay, as theur'owm' Husbands. 

^j^k» And to the City Ds(^es/as A^iieed Robing 9i 
iilthv and contemptible Memory ; and they wHl frighten thsif 
Children with your Name, efpocially dieir F<pales. . * 

Horn. And cry./&r8^r> coming to cany you away, lam 

only afraid 'twin hot be bell^v^d : you told *em \t was by^an 

-^W^/ew^iPjl^ftw^^and an BnfUfi-Jgmb Chirur^n, 

sr^o baa |(i^n me at bne^/ hot onTy a Cure, nut an Antidote 

As . ^<* 



6 The Ccuntry mfe. 

for die future againft that damnM Malady, and that worfe 
Di^xDper^ Love» aad all other Womeas£idk» 

Quacks Your late Journey into Fruwr iias made it the 
more credibly and your beiAj^ here a Fortnieht before you 
appeared in publicky looks as if yof||>apprehen£d the Shame, 
which I wonder you do not : 'Well, I have been hired by 
young Gallants to belye'em t'other way ; but you are the fir& 
w<ni^b£th4bg1^ttil^air\infitfQrWdMri, ' '*'.-' 

• ibm. Deai- Mit Do6Ury k^vaift Rigaes hi c«oltoiecf 
only to be thought abler Men than they are, generally His all 
thejpleafure they have \ but mine lies another Way. 

it, and as ridiculous as if we Operators in Phyficks ihould 
put forth Bills to <U^aragC9urMediciunen|i, with'hopes to 
gain Cuftomers^ 

Horn. Doftor, there are Quacks in Love aa well, as 
Phyiicki wh<^get but the feTxf^r and worfif Parents, for their 
})oaftioer^ agpod Name is feldom got by giving it one's felftr 
and Wj'mcn no more than Hciloui; are eompa6*d by brag-^ 
ging: Come, come, Doftor, thewifeft tawyjer never dif- 
coyers the Merits of his Caufe till the Trial $ the vtoahhieft 
Man conceals his Riches and tfiecunnlng <$amefter his Play% 
"^hj^ Husbands and Keepers, like old Kooks, are not to be- 
ehcated, but by a* new unpraftis'd Trick : falfe Fripndihip 
will now lio inore than falfe Dice upon 'cnl } ■ no*, not in thc^ 

Enter Bcfp.y ' 
im There ate'tvvo Ladies and a^en^^man comiijg up; 
Horn: A Poj^, fome nnbcfievlng^ St%ts df tnyfdfmer Ac-" 
qtfamtance> who, I am afraid, expeft* their Senfe fhonM be' 
fttisf y'd of the Falfity* of the Keport^ No- -tMi fbrnwl Fool 
and Women ? [Enter Sir Jafb. Fidg." /J^^'Tldg. find Mrs. 
Daiity Fidget.] • ' 

• Sftiack.' His Wife and Sifter. 

Sir ^a^ My Coach breaking juft mm before your Door, 
Sir, I look upon as an occailonal Reprimand to me* Sir, for 
not kiflfne your Hands, Sir, fince your cdnring out of France, 
Sir J antrlb my-Pifeft^i'/ Sh-, hasljecn my good-Fortune^ 
Sir j and this is my Wife and Sifter^ Sir. 
. Abr». What theni Sir?' ♦ ^' ^ " ' ' - - ' - 
• Sir JaO^. My' lad/, and Siftcr> «ir.--i Wife, this 19 
hiz^cr Horner. , 

Ladyfi^.MafterWfcr«^, Husband! 

• Sh-Jij^. My Lady, myLady F/^jj</,'Sir. 

^'^ir y^^, '^^B't y>u Be apjcptjiwdVitkhttilS^*? ($p». 

"t^' : A Digijized by Google 



fke Country Wife f 

Sex i but I'll play the Wae with him.) iAfidti 

Pray fidutc my Wife, my Lady, Sir* 
/ Am;: ivH&kUe lio Mm's Wife, Str» for him. Sir $ I 
I havetidLcn my etemai Lcave^ Sxr» of ^ Sex alreaify, Sira 

Sir Jafh. Ha, ba» ha^ I*Uplag«c him yct» [AJidei^ 

Not kioWmyWifc^Sirl ., / •• 

Horn. I do know your Wif«, &ir> ihe^a a Womair» Sir» 
atutTconftquctitly a^Mopder, Sir, aigrpatec Mpoftcr than a 
Husband, Sir. 
i. Sirjtjfi A. Hvsbaihd t bo)r» Sir. 

Horn. So, Sir, but I. make no more Cuckolds^ Sir.. ^ 

' ^>r ya/p. Ua, ha, ha, Merewy^ Merttry^ 

Ladv jFfci^. Pray, Sir Jaj^tfy let us be gone from das 
ruderellow; - 

. Daim* Who, by his Binecding, wou^d tlunk he had ever 
been in /Iraffr^ ^ 

Ladyi%^. Fob, he'sbctttoo.mucha/7V»r6.Fellok>.£xdi 
^ h^te Women of t}^ality and Virtue*, for their Loie to thcitf 
Hiisbcuids : Sir Jajfury a Woman is hated by ^em as mtscU 
iof Whii^ her Husband, as for loving their Money. Bii€ 
pray let's be gone. ,....''. 

Horn, Yoir d» well, Madam; for I haw notBingr that 
jAdu came for :. I hate brobglit oVer not io much as a bandy 
Piaure^ new Foftores, aor the ftcond W'9n-c&\\». Efcok Ok 
FilUs^ nor—— , . ' 

Sluack. Hold, for tiame^ &ki fftbat ^'ye mean? yahll 
ruin yourfelf for ever 'witfidif.Seix^^ ; (jparti^Munkr. 
- Sir 5^5^.: Hah; hahyhab^ he hates Women perfeftJy, I 
find; ■' : ■ :..-•. ^ :: . " •»:■<.'. 

i?/z/«. What pity 'tis he ihoa'd^,' / 
^ Lady 'fi4^; Ay, he'oa bafe^rude FeUovriov't I But Af- 
legation makes not a Woman more odtoas. «o them: ^nui 
Virtue.' ' . , . 

Horn^ Becaufe your; Virtue is your gretteft; Aft6iadOB; 
Madam. — ; 

' ' Lady Fk^; Hbierl yon iBkVi(tfB€&Wi ^«ou^ foA wrong 
my Honour ) •! •r.-' ' ? •. j 

lidrn. If I co^d. i. . 

LsldylHi^. HoMT (fire- me^i. Sir? ' . •". 
' S^r 7^- Hslh, hah, ' hah, no, he can>*t mtchf^ yooa !!»• 
dyfhfp^s Honour, upon my Honour t He pAor Man^ *••« 
hark you in your Ear a mere Eunuch. • • • 

Lady Ft4g. O filthy French Beaft, Ibb^ fob $ w&^ dO'Wt 
ftay ' Let's be gone » I ca&'t endure tha fight of hiai» 

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t The Ctfimry Wife. 

* Sir 74j^. Stay but tiU thie Cliath <on^ ; tfn^'il Wtetf" 
prefendy. ' ^ .1 

Lady Fi^. No, no. . • I . ■ • *. ' 

Sir Jq^. Nor can I ftay longer: *Ti*^n*-let ttie fee> a 
quarter and half quarter of a Minute paft Eleven. Tbe Coun- 
cil will be fet ; I maft away : Bufinefs mufl be preferred al- 
ways before Love and Ceremony with the*wife, Mr iir«r.' 
. Mom. And the inipotenty Sir Ji^er. 
« Sir 7^. Ay» ay, the impotent, Mafter Honur, Aah, 
hah, hah. 

Lzdy Fidg. What, leave us with A:filtfay Man alone in hit 
Lodginfis ?. • ' ^ . . . . i . 

. Sur 74t^* He's an innocent Man now, you know : Pray 
ftay, I'll haftei^ the Chairs to you— —Mr. Hormr^ your 
Servant, I ihouM be glad to fee you at my Uoufe. Pray 
come and dine with me, and play at Cards with my Wife 
after Dinner : You are fit for Women at that Game yet, hah, 
hah^— ^*Tis as much a Husband's Prudence to provide in* 
abcent Diverilons for a Wife, as to hinder her unlawful Plea- 
fisres ; and he had better Employ her, than let. her. employ 
kerfdf.) lAJuU. 

Farewel. [ExU Sir ya^Vp 

Horn, Yourficnrant, Sir Ja^, 

Lady Fidg. I will not ftay vnth hiiri, fob 

Horn. Nay, Madam, I befeech you ftay, if it be bat t» 
iee I can be as civil to Ladies yet as they wou'd delire. 
Lady Hdg. No, no, foh, jrou cannot be civil to Ladies* 
Drnn. You as civil as Ladies wou'd deOre ? . ' 
laidy Fu^. No^ no, n*, £Dh9 foh, fob.. 

[£;r«iotf jU^ Fidget «i^ Dainty* 
^uack. Now, I Amk, I, or yourfelf ratter, have donq 
your Bufinefs with the Women. 

' Ha/m. Thou art an Ais : Don't you lee already, upon the 
Report and my Carria|^, this grave Man of Bu£ne£i leaves 
his Wife in my Lodgmn, invites me to his Houfe and 
Wife^ whb. bctOK wou'd not be a^qiiaiiited with me out of 
Jealoufy ? 

W ^gsck>, Niy,'4iy thta meant yon maybe themore acquaint- 
ed with the Husbands, but the lefs with the Wives. 

Hont, Let me alone ; if I can but abufe the Husbapdsi I'U 
foon difabuTe the Wives : Suyv*i>— rU reckon y6u tip the 
Advantages I am like to have by my Stratagem s Tirfitt I 
ihaltiie ndiof all my old Acquaintances, the moft infatiable 
fort of Duns, that invade our Lodgings in a Morning i and 
•tst to the- Pleafiire of making a new Miftrefs, is that of be- 
ing ridafahoMpne, and of all old Debts L^pvei ^hen it 
^jacs to be fo, is paid the moft unwillingly, 

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^uach Well you may be fo rid of your*lil4 Acqin&n- 
tuicet; but how^v«iliy<hij^aiiynewoni8?r t\i 

Harm. Do&Wi' tboa ^Kiknewr mske « ^bod ChytnM, ihit^ 
fit fo inaredulouf 'sni* JmpaiicQit*: t'fylk boVlU ftbe ytfung 
Fellows of the Town^ if they do not lofe more time. Ilk* 
HuntTmfen, in ftaiti6|; Vkm Ggrinethaii t^ fuming it down^s 
One knowi not. wtnR^'to find *«ni<) \irho wilt, or ^ilt not; 
Women' of Quafitv are lb drily yott cab hardly diftin|;iiift 
Love ft'om good « mwdtnf , Mkd a Man i^ ofteti tn^^weni 
bttt.nov I can befiire, Am tSat ftewa an Ateirfloii Co mr^ tovcs 
the Sport ag iftioib Women that 'ai<e gbne^ #koni I ^n^arraift 
to be right. And then iht Mftf th% i;. yttir WmSi«ft of 
Hononr, at ypitcaU^etny: arre only chary dftncir'Xepi^tailbns 
not tlwir PttffoaA ; aiid' ^» Scandal they'^ott*d A^fl) Ml 
Mem : Now* May I \6«*^ ^y .the Ref»utatioA -of sift £«Atf^ 
the Privileges of one, and be feen in aI<ady>^G)ll^b«'1il^ 
Morning as early as %tt HuAmnd, kifs Vhrgms before their 
Parents, o^ LovlM'V 'AUtt nfltty be, inihert^ the Fars-far-tM 
of the Town. Kowi Poabr.- 

Sl^ck, Nay. now you ihall be the DoAor \ and^ f^^ 
Proqeft irib««w. tllaff l4 lb' W k«dw htfTk ibay fi#fieMto. 
r.'ifc«i.iNotf<f fit*«rinciliieiV''»/fvAii/rf*ifl^^^ 1 •"''■'^ 

w iDii^riK; Weli'Tw idl tn«i^ ^tf^Mitsi^^M 

Enter Uzxcwatand Dorilant to HoraTefr* -» * - **! 

Hsrr. Comei your AMai«iiceal4lirPlaiyiyeft(«flajf>|> las, 

>lu>|^ Iiantoii*d you' foi th^ futnit mdnft' the Woniena 

CoDtJbilipt, shmP tlie.lli«nt'Rail]«iyvai)d iio«^yim^^ abrbtf 

as you were wont. •*^' 

Dor. With a moft theatrical IfBpudlliii,'inay,*'fcer6 than 
<k« ?3faHg».W«K:kMllftfcw^ lihM.% W'4l? drankeit^ VlMd- 

(UnLiiaiXScttime^ in Hintti*i0rwta ilfyevihore^ml^nt. 

afccondhandCritick. .;-'iv:.. : . n I- / ' ;/ 

Horn. Bur what ihy^^e Ladi«s7 tinv^^MBy Ifo ^ity > '^ 
« fibres Whti Ladies^ The Vivatd-MaHines you know 
nevetpky k Man'«^e»all*s goii^ tlio*'k»^ their Service, • ^ 
Dor. And for the Wometi \ti4» Boxes, you'd never pity 
them when 'twas in your jifl^rt'; ' * " • / * . ' , 
^ Uai^i\ Tt^y Oy^^tis! t>iiy *bu» lA thtc dcU with cbmAoa 
Women fliou'd be ferv'd fo. " - : . ' : o.-n 

• t>^. fhff. I dare'fi^ar,- ihey wo|i't admit ^eu to-pfey at 
jCaid^ widi ctieivi, gQ( to Plays #ith >!n, or dd the' IRflc P*» 
ties Vhioh odiejr 8hadoMri of Men are wont to do for%»» 

jfifrrt. Who do yotaicati 3hidows of Men ? ^' 

- An ttdf-Mtn.'..^ ..."•:■'■..•' ;• . 1^. 

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lo The Country JFift. 

Hom.Vn^ Bojn ? 

Dcr. Ay, vdur old Boyt» oM Smwat Gartom, Jwjio like 
Gqperatmuttea Sodlionf are &fier*d to n»»> fteed, and .whiimy 
with the Mares a« longaathcy Uvr^f&V they can do nothing 

Hom, Welly a pox on Love and Wenching* Womeii 
ienre but to keep a Man horn better Company : Tho I can't 
cn|oy them, I ihall you die more. Good Fdlowihip and 
Frioidihip arelafting, rational^ and maaiy Plcafures. f 
. Har€* Foralldiat, give me Tome ^ tt6ie Pleafures yoit 
tall eiEeminale. too :. Thqr help tO:fa]tih one another. r 

' ii&ni. They dilhirb. one another, f 

Hare, No, Miftraflesare like Qooka.: If yon. pore .upon 
f^n too imich, tlu^ doze, you, and make you unfit ibr Com^ 
fany i but if us'd diioreetly, yiav ^ th< fifitorfdr Conyerfii* 
jpoi^ by *efla, 

. D^r. *A Miftre& ihou*d be likt a little Country Retreat 
IMir the Town J not ft> dwell in omftaody, but only for a 
Night, aiid away> to tafte the. Town the b^er.when a Man 
fatvnsf. - 
.<^firf. IteUyoUy/titaahardto^agoodFcilQow, agood 
Friend, and a Mm of WoMq», aa *j^ tobe agOOdFeUow, 
|lgi)odFriend» «iHlajMverofMo«e;r« . YOAcamiotfolkm 
l^th, thipn chuie your fide: Wine giftt yon Li b tia^ r, Loif 
takes it awaw. : 
- JP'ar. Gad, he^ in^ lUit 0Bt« 

U9m. Wine givet you Joji-JLdve Gfief and Torturea( 
MUkt $ttrgeaiif : Wine naies lit wk^ S I.ofe wly Sott i 
Wine makes ut ileep, Lovebreaksit. 

Ihr. Bythc World, be has Utalbiir, Harcwrt. . 
f |i»w« Wiae-makM-T*;-* 

. D^^ Av, Wifkomakes «%-•— r-fl»akes at P^inecs \ Xova 
Viakes US Veggart , poor Itogacft» 'f *S»d — aa^ Wipe — 

Umt. So, thm> one ^Q|K^(entd — N9> no» Um wbA 
Wine, Oil and Vinegar. 

Har<. I grantitt Love will ftlU be uppermoft. 
^ Ham. Come, for my part, I will have only tbofeglofiooe 
nanly Pltaliires of being ipcry drunk, and very floveoly* - 
JfgUrBty^ 

Bm. Mr. 5|^l^ is beloiw, Sur. 
; i&re. What, my deat Friend ! aKegoedMt is fond of 
me only, I think, for abttfing him* 
: • Dor. Mo, he can no more ^hink iSkt Men laii|h at hhn 
iban that Women jilt him» his Qpipion of himftilf is (b good* 

Honf. Well, there's another Pleafnre by Drinking ; I 
dkought not of i I IhaU lofe his Ac^iuaintanoe, becauft he 
cannotdriak. And you know 'tis a very. har4 thing to bedrid 

f \ Digitized by Google ^ 



ibe Country Wife: il 

«f him i for lie^i one of thofe naofeous Oiierert. at Wit, who» 
ttke the vorft Fiddlers, run tfacmfelTcs into all Companies. 

Hare* One that by being, in the Con^iany of Men of Senfe 
wou*d i^fs for one. 

Horn. And nay fo to the ihort-i^hted World ; as a falfe 
JewwU anrangft tMC^<»eS9 is not di&m^d at a diftance : His 
Company is as trooblefome to Us jis a Cuckold's, when yoa, 
}iave ^ nutid to his Wtie^s. 

. Hare, No^ the Kogue will not let us enjoy one another^ 
Imt ravUhes our Converliition ; - the' be fignines no more to*t, 
than Sir Martm Marall^s gaping, and awkard thrumming 
upon the Lutc> does to his Man's Voice and Muiiek. 
^ JP«r^ And to pafsfor Wit in Town, ihewshimfelf a Fool 
everv Night to^ us, that are guilty, of the Plot. 

jfof$t^: Such Wits as he are^ to a Company of reaibhable 
^en, Vike 8.ooks to the Gaine£bers, wAio only fill a Koom at 
the^able^ but are fo far froia contributing to the Play, that 
they only icnre to fpoil ^ Fancy of thofe 3ut do. 

^0r. my, they are us'd like Rooks too, (hubb'dy che^*d, 
j|iid abui*d i yet the'.Rogues wtU.hangon. 

Htt*. a pox on ^lem,, and all that force Nature, and 
wou*d be ftiU what (he fbrbids.'cmi Affe6Ution it her great* 
eft Monfter. 

Hon., Moft.Men are the Contraries to that they w^*d 
ieem : Your Bully, you fee; is a Cowird widi a long Sword i 
aie little humbly fawning PhyficiaB> with his Ebony Cane, 
is be that delbroys Men. 

Dor. The Ufurer, a poor Rogue, pofleisVi of moldy Bonds 
and Mortgages { and we they call Spendthrifts^ are only 
weakly, who only out hb Moneyupto daily xftw Purehaies 
#f Pleafuw.. J - .. ■ . I ' . . •. i: . , • : ^ : 

Ihra. Ay, your erranteft Cheat is yonnTiuflee or EiBdcu* 
4or ii,y^^]tilm Mani thegeeateft CuckpLd; your,Chiirch- 
man, the greateft Atheift; and your noify pert Rogue' bf 
Wit* the^gretteft:Fop,rd&Ueft Als; a&dwocftCompasyt as 
youjihsil} £e r For btve he c^mes.: : _ 

Enter Sparkifh to tbtm. I 

spark. JIow is% $pai9u > \»ir hCtil Well, faidll, Hmy, I 

muft rally thee a little, ha, ha^ ha, upon the RepdHinXowm 

^th^;:h9»,h9b h|i; J can't hoki y^vlh^ ibU I%eakf 

Hpm. Yes j but you'll befo bitter then. . i . : . i 

spark. Honeft/>M'4iWldJn9Vi('faere^hall.'ftn£Breifor«f^ I 

will not be extseme ^i^er> hif thfi Univeift. ' < ~ • \ 

Hare. We will be bound iu a ien^ihoufa^dr pound Bopdf 
IjcfluOlnottj.b^.^l^att. , ' 
Vor. N6rmarp, norfweet.' *>-• ' T • 

Honu What^ not down-right infipidi.bylpOi^^le..^ 

S^arkf 



%t The C&untry Wife-. 

, spark, tiftv iIkxi, fince yoa are fo briilc, and pnirokeme^ 
take what follows : You inuft know^ I was diRouriing and 
raUjrsng with fiune Ladies yefterd^y, and tbsy ha|>p»n*d to 
talk of the fine new Signs in Town. .. < 
' Honr. Very fine Ladies^ Ibdteve. - 

i Spark^S^Jy I know where the beftatw Sign is* Wh««> 
lays one oftht Ladies, in Cooi^ivr-OAri^i I reply^d. Said 
another, in what Street ? In Rsifel'Jhi^f aiifwef*d I« 'Lctd^ 
fB^yi another, I*m fare there was never a iine new Sign there 
yejOerdav* Yes, but there wa% faidi o^n $ and it cam4 
fivitof B'aitce, and has been there a Fortiught* 

/)0r. . A poat^ I can hear no nK>re, ^prithee. 
! Jbm. hOf. hear him ovt ^ let him tanehisCr^vd awhile* 

Hare. The wttril Mufic, die gpsateft Preparation. ^ 

"' SSpark. :Nay» £udi. Til make you hiagh. It eatitiot be^ 
£iys a tiird Lady« Ye9, .yct^ ^noth i agam» Says a foaftA 
JLady*-'— . 

Horn. Look to% welll kaveiio mtire Lfklits* ' 
^^^ Spark. Ko-*— Then snaik) maii^ ifowi Snid I to tht 
fourth, did you never fee Mr. Hon/tr^ he lodges 4ii Ru/&^ 
Jfo»r/,;aiidhie'8 a Sign o£ a Mon^ yoti know, foiee lie came 
«litc^ fkUrtf ( :Uab, hah^ ha. 

Horn. But the Devil take me if thine be the Sign of a Je^ 
' iS^r^...l¥hhtbattheyddl &llalaagh)lig, till^yt^^ 
tbcmMvj:f. WioAf. bat it does not saose y4u^ methiaks^ 
Wen, Ir^^ oiak iadr argood. go xp Law witfiottt a Witnei^j 
as break a Jeft without a Lau^ter on «me*s Sid^-«-Come<» 
come,' Sharks | bd£ where do vw dime f -1 haw Idft atl^r^* 
#A2fan EacH to dine with yovu 
diwiC'lM 



tic better than a Suit widi a French Trimming to't»* * 

-jli&»^.cQotoliimiigaiiU 'Ji r r i / ;-. .' ^ 
^ i^J. JMfo, (Sir« ;a;U/St is tQ ne the gr«ateAr T4tfe ia th% 

i.1^ifm^%iik^iiiaMa9i^^^tnx'&;A\^ Sir; iKfttAy^btf ex- 
ceptions \ We are your Friends^ and will iioi take it 8( to \k 
left, I do affure yiai ' i ^ 

'^/Hmrc^ Jfegty, Buth, lJ6ftiaHgi>t»liii9« ' -^ •/ ' 
iL :ipurk.'lSkzyy pisty, ikottemen, 

i>«w. STc'IMriiftifea xmty if yoaw^ibii'c \ t^liar^ .difiip;^kll 
mny-bod]j for us ? • ' i • . . > ^ 

I ^SJMri^ : Ma^ dear Xlenileiiieis tieai^ me; 

Hum. No, no>}9r,'byM>:Meaiwt ^ftiy^^i Sit* . ' 
tSJ^r*.iWhyv^cwlU^s* . 

[7^ aUfkft^^^m QfU^tbe Rom* 

Dor. No, no. •' • '» 

-w«/. Ha, ha» h*,. /.. ' . D^^tizedbyCoogle • 

- . f. Bparkiflb 



tht€(mtryWife. 13 

Sparkifli netutw, 

S^ari. But, Spvks, pray hdBne. What d'ye think 
111 eat there with gay fallow WpS, and filcnt Coxcombs ? 
I think. Wit as neceffai^ at Binncr j as a Glafs of good Wine, 
and that's the Reafon t never, have any Stomach v^rhca I cat 
al«iie-r Conje, bjut where do vve pline ? 

Horn, 'Ev*n where you will. 

S^ri* At Cbateline*s } . ,t • . • 

Ajr.Yes, if you will. 

Spark, Or at the Cock ? 

Dor, Yes, if you pleaie. 

Spark. Or at the Z>o^ and ftzr/n^gr^ ^ 

Horn. Ajf if you have a mind to't ; for we fliall dine a^ 
neither. 

Spark. FUnzvr^ with your Foolinewe^ (hall Ibfe the »ew 
Play; and I wou*d no more mi(^ (eeing a new P)ay th^ 
firft Day, thaji I wou'd mifs fitting in the Wits Row. 
Therefore FU go fetch my Miftreis, and away. [Ex. Spark* 
Manent Homer, Harcourt, porijant. Enter to th^m Mr^ 
Pinchwifc. 

Horn. Who have we here ? Pinch^i/et 

Pinch, Gentlemen, your humble Servwjit.. 

Horn, WcU, yack^ by thy long Ab/ence from the Town» 
the GrumHefs of thy Countenance, and the Slovenlincfs of 
thy'Habit, I ihou*d give thee j[oy, m9uM I not, of Marriage ? 

Pinch, Death 1 does he' know I*m married top ? I thought 
to have concealed it from him at Icaft. [4/^^^^. 

My long ttay in the Country will excufe my Drefs 5 and I 
have a Suit of Law that brings me up 'to Town, that puts me 
out of humour : Befidea, I muft give Sparki/b to^inorrovr 
five tboufand Pounds to lie with Sifter, * 

Horn, iSlay, you Country Gentlemen j rather thj|n not pur-' 
chafcj will buy any thing j and Ke is a crackM Title,, if we 
may quibble. Well, but am. I to give ^ thee Joy ? I heard 
thou wert marry'd. 

• Pinch, What then > . 

Horn, Why, the next thing that is to be heard, is, thou'jt 
a Cuckold. , .,..». - . » 

Pinch, l4|fupportablc Name ! ;. [Afide. 

Horn, But I did not expeft Marriage frogi fuch a Wl>ore- 
Maftcr as you i one that knew the Town fc much, and Wo- 
men ib well. . 
\ Pinch. Why, I have raarryM no L^don Wife. 

* Horn, Pfliaw, that's all one : That grave. Circumfpc6lion 
in 'marrying a Country \yife, is like refufing a deceitful . 
pampered Smitbfield Jade^ to go and be cheated by a Friend 
in the Country , 

B Digitized b'y ^OO^j^fJ^ 



14 The Country mfi. 

Finch. A Pox on hinLtt^ his Simile. \AJiJe* 

At Itaft we are a Uttle flkof the Breed there, Inow what 
her Keeping has been, whSner foiled or unfound. , 

Horn* Cocne, come, I have kiiown a Clip gotten in. 
Wales \ and there are, Couiin, Juftices Clerks, and Chap* 
lains in the Country, I won't Uy Coichmen* But lhe*s 
handfome, and jroung I ' ' ' 

Tincb, rll aniwcraslihou'ddo/ ^ [A/tde* 

No, no ; ihe has no Beauty but ber Youtli, no Attia6^ion 
but her Modefty, wholeibme, homely* and hufwifely i that's 
all. . . 

Dor^ He talks as like a Grafier as he looks. 

• Pinch, she's too aukwaid, ill -favoured, and filly to bring 
to Town. 

• Hare, Then nieihinks you ihou*d bring her, to be taught 
Breeding. 

Finch, To be taught! 'No, Sir, I thank' ydu, iood Wive» 

and private Soldiers Ihou'd be ignorant Ill keep her 

from your Inftru^ionsj- 1 waimnt you. 

Hare, The Rogrue is as jealous,, as if his Wife were not 
ignorant. . ' ^ lAJidi. 

Horn. Why, if (he be i!l-favour'd, there will be lefs Dan- 
ger here for you, than by leaving her in the Country : We. 
have fuch V»riet\* of Dainties, that we are feldom hungry. 

Dor, But they have always coarfc, conftant, fwindging Sto- 
machs in the Country. 

Hare, Foul Feeders indeed ! 

Dqt, And your Hofpiulity is great there. 

Hare, Open Houfe ; every Man's welcome* 

t'tnch. So, f0| Gentlemen. 

Horn. But prithee, why (hduMft thou marry her ? If ihe 
be ugly, ill bredj and filly, ftie muft be rich then ? 

F'tnch, As rich as if flic brought me twenty thoufand 
Ponnds out of this Town ; for fhc'll be as fure not to fpend 
her moderate Portion, as a London Baggage wou'd be to fpend 
hers, let it be what it wo\9'd : So *tis aU one. Then, becaufe 
ihe's ugly, ihe^s the likelier to be my own ; and being ill 
bred, £e'U hate Converfation \ and fince filly and innocent^ 
will not know the* Difference betwixt a Man ff one and 
twenty, and one of forty. 

Horn, Nine, to my Knowledge: But tf flie be filly, 

flie'il expe£^ as muchfa>m a Man ofTortjr-nine, as from him 
of one and twenty. But methinks Wit is more necefiary 
than Beauty ; and I think no young Woman ugly that hat 
it, and no handfome Woman agreeable without it. 

. ?mh. Tii my Maxim, he's ^ Fool that mamct 5 but 

Digitized by VjOOQIC 



tbi Country Wife. 15 

lie*t a^reater that does not marry a Foo! : What is Wit in 
% Wife gdod for« but to Aiake a Man a Cock^l'd f 

Horn, Yes, to keep it from his Knowledge. 

i^ut^k A Fool cannof contrite to make her Husbanc^a 
Cuckold* 

Horn, No ; but (he^ll club with a Man that can : And 
what (s wbrfe, if &e cannot make her Husband a Cuckeid, 
flia^U make him jealous) and t>afs for one 1 and then *ti9 ali 
one. 

Pmclu Well, w«ll, 111 take cai« for one i MyWifeihall 
aiake me no Cuckoldi tho* fhe had your helpj Mr. Horner, 
I iiiiderftaild the iTovnii Sir. 

Ihr. His Help! [4^/. 

MvY. He*8 come newhr t6 Town, it ieems, and has not 
lieard hov thincs are with him. • {^Afide, 

HorM, But t«l me» has Marriage cured thee of Whoring> 
which it feldom does ? 

Har<r. *Tis more than Age ten do* 

Jkrm. No j the Word is^ 1*11 marry and liire honeft : 
Bot a Marria^ Vow ia like a penitent Cainefter's Oath, and 
enterhi^ tnto Bonds and Penalises to Kint htmielf to (bch a 
particoTar fmall Sum at play for the future, which makes him 
%itt dM more aager i and not being able to hold our, lofrs 
Idf Monev again» a^d his Finfett to boot. 

/)0r. Ajt ay, a dameftcr vill be a Oamefttr whilft hi» 
Money lafis, and i Wh6te«jiiafler whiift hit Vigbor. 

Htfe* 'Hay, I have known *em, when they are broke, and 
tan Ml tt6 more, ke^afiimhltos^'wjth the Box in their 
Hands to fool with only, and lender other Gamefters. 

DW'. That had wherewithal tomake Uiily Stakes. 

Mifl^.-Wetl| Oantiemeni toumaylaughatnie I hutfdH 
lliall never lie with my Wife 1 I know the Town. • v . • 

Jkru. But prithee, was not the Way you were in better ? 
Isnot Keeping beftnr than Marriagft^r'.v »V. 

Pbub. A Fos on*t the Jadet wou^'d Jill iiie« 1 iwt^ lietir 

|^eMaWhocl»lomyfelf. * .v •*'* 

' nam. So, then you only married to keep a Whore to your- 

ifdf.. W^ll, h«» fU 11 ^ i^ ^ \} y^« , W^^ i^^ y y^^ ^y, yf> ' 

like Soldiers, made conftant and loyal by good Pay, rather 
than by Qaths and Covenants : Therefore Td advife my 
Friends to keep rather than marry, fincrtoo I £nd, by your 
Example, it does not ftrre one*8 turn \ for I iaw you yef- 
.ierday in the ^ightaen^pemiy Place with a pretty CoumiQr 
Wench ? 

Finch. How the Pjevil, did he fee my Wife then ? I fat 

there that ihe might not be fecn *• But (he Ihall never go to a 

Play^gaitt. i4fi*^f» 

B a thrn. 

Digitized by VjOOQIC 



i6 The Cduntry Wife.' 

Horn, What, doft thou Wufii *t nine, and forty f«r:^a«fng 
been feen witira Wench ? * . . -. 

- Dor, No, faith, I warrsvnt 'tv^a^ kis Wife, which he Aiat- 
ed there out of fight ; for he^s a cunning Rogue, and WHlflEV 
.Hands the Town. ., ,*. - . .^ . 

H(irCj, He blulhes : Then *twa6 his Wife.i for Men are 
now more aihamed to be feen with them in publick, thas- > 
with a Wench. 

Pincb, HeH and Damnation ! I^ undone, fince Homer 
hasieenher, and they know 'twas (he. [Afi^ 

Horn. But prithee, was it thy r Wife ? Bhewat fxceeding 
pretty : I was in love with her at that diftanbe.^ * , 

Pin^h* Ydu are like never to bo nearer to her. Your Ser- 
vant, Gentlemen. . : ^ •. . IQfgrstQgc^ 

Horn, Nay,. prithee ftay.. 

Finch, I cannot j I will not. 

Horn, Come, you fhall dine with us» 

Pittci. I have din'd already. - 

Horn, Come,. I know thou haft not : 111 treat thee, de$|r 
KQguej thoulOba't ^end none.pf thy /^^ntnj^'r^Mon^y to* 
•lay* ,, . . • f < • • 

Pincb, Tre^t rae I So, he u&s noe already like hit 
Cuckold. [ifAte. 

Horn* Nay, -you (hall not ^o. . 

Pincb* I muft $ I have Bubnefi at homo. 

J. ,-..* [jy^fiVPinchwife. 

Hare, To beat ;lu8- Wife. He's as jealous of her, as a 
Cbeapfide Husband of a Covent-Garden Wife. 

Hom^ Why, 'tis as hard to findan old Whoremafter with- 
«Bt jealoufy and the Gout, aa a young one without. Feart or 
thePox. V I 

jf$GoiitinAgiJf9mF9XinT<mtbproaidi^ . ^ 

tSiWmebiwpi^t tbiJeAbufyiucceeds^ , ; : v 

fU^mmflDyeafttb^ Love and JFencbmgbriidf. , Jf 



: ACT a SCENE, L 

J^A Margery Plnehwtfe imd Alithea: Mr.. Pinthwtfe 
peeping behind dt the Door, 

Mrt. Pinch, "DRAY, Sifter, where ire the beft Fields 'and 
Jl Woodis to walk in, in London} 
Jlitk. AprcttyQueftionI Why, SiAer, Mulberry-Card^ 

and 

Digitized by VjOOQ 



The CmUry Wift. 17 

and St.y4fm$i''% Park | and for dofe w«Iki».A« Mmlx^ 

,Mn.Pmcb. Prajr, Sifter, tell me why my. Husband looks 
ti gmm here in Town, and keeps me up.dofe, and witt not 
kt acKO awalkiQ^ nor let me wear my beft Gowofeftcxday • 

AliiS. O, be*8 ]caloos> Sifter. 

Mrs. Piiic;^. leabusl What's that? 

jiiid. He's abaid you ftiould love anodier Man. 

Mrs. Fiu<L How ftion'd he be afraid of my loving ane* 
thsr Man, when he will not let me lee any but himfelf ? 

jath. Did he not carry yoa yefterday to a Play ? 

Mrs« Pi^ch. Ay } but we &t amon^ udy People i He 
Wou'd not let me come near the Gentry, who fat under us» 
lb (h?t t cou*d not lee 'em. Ht told me none but naughty 
Womfin bl there, whom they tous'd and mgus'd : But I 
wou'd have ventured for all that. 

Jliitb. But bow did you like tte Play ? 

Mrs. PmcL Indeed I was weary ot the PUy 5 but I Jik'd 
hi]geop|ly the A&pfs i They are the goodneft, properrft 
Men, Sifter. 

jUifL.Ot but you muft not like the A6lors, Sifter. 

Mrs. PJKch. Ay, how Aou'd I help it. Sifter?. Pray, Sif- 
ter, when my Husband comes in, will yo» aik ieave &>r me 
lo go a walking f 

Alitb, A walking, ha, ha: Lord a Cotmtry Geutlewo* 
man's Pleafort is the Drudgery of a Foot-poft ; and ftie re- 
qiiues as much Airing as her Husband's Horfes. l^A/ide* 

EfOtrMr. Pinchwife /0 /i^. 
But here comes. your Husband i Til afk, thoTm fnre he'll 
aot grant it. 

Mrs. Piaih. He %s be won't let me go abriiad, for feiur 
. «f ^^tchinr the Pox. 

Mtb. Fie \ the Small Pox, you ibou'd ftiy. 

Mrs., Pi»cK O my dear, dear Bud, welcome home: 
l¥by «doft thpu 4ook lb fropifti ?. who has jiangcr*d thee ? 

Mx^ Pinch. You're a Fool. 

[Mrs* ¥ini^'9i\h goes fifiJe^Mndcrtts. 

dlitb. Faith, fo ftie is, for crying for no fau|t« poor tep"* 
dtrCrsatttrei 

Mr. Pifub. What, you wouM bave her. as impudent ;as 
yourftlf^ as.cnant a Jilftirt, a Gadder, a i^ilngpye>. and^o 
. 6y all, a mere notorious Towa^ Woman ? ' . ^ 

Jliib^, Bcotber, you are my only Cenfiurer ; imd the Ho- 
nour of your Pamdy will iboner fufter In yoor Wife theref 
tbanlams,t)io'ItakeUic innocent Libmy of tbe Town. 

Mr. Pincb. Hark you, Miftrefi, do not talk (9 be&r/rmy 
Wife; The innocient Liberty of the Town r 

* 3 DgtizedbyGoOgle^^''"^*' 



1 8 the Coimtry Wife. 

jRhi. Whyi'pray; who boafts of any tntrigiie with'me ? 
What Lampoon hat made my Name notorious } MThat' til 
Women frequent my Lodgings ? I keep no Company with 
any Women of Scandalous Reputations. 

Mr. Pinch, No, you keepthcMenoffcandalouslReputa- 
dons Company. 

Alitb. Where ? Wou'd you not hare me civil ^ AniWer 
*em in a Box at the Plays, in the Drawing Room 9tf^bite» 
' $alU iXiSt. James's Pari, Mulberry-Garden, or-—. 

Mr. Pincb. Hold, hold; donot teach my Wife Where tftc v 
Men are to be found : I believe fhe's the worfe #or your 
Town-Docuraents4dready. I bid you keep her in Ignortmce^ 
as I do. . • ♦' 

Mrs. Pincb, Indeed, be not angry with her, Bud, (he will 
tell' me nothiiig of the Towfi, tho' I aik hei* a thouiand times 
a-day. ^ 

Mr. Pincb, Theii you are very ihquifitive to know, I find ? 

Mr».. Pincb, Not I, indeed, Dear $ I hate Ltmdon t Our 
Place-houie in the Country is worth athoufand of^j wdu^ 
I were there again. 

Mr. Pinch,' So you (hall, I warrant. But wefe you aot 
talking of Flays and Players when I came in ? You are her 
Encoura^r m ihch Difcourfes. 

Mrs. Pinch, No, indeed, Dear i ihe chid me juft now for 
liking the Player- Men. 

Mr. Pincb, Nay, if (he be fo innocent As to own to tnc her 
liking them, there is no hurt in't. .— [JJUe, 

Come, my. poor Ro^e» but thou liked none better than me ? 

Mrff Ptm. Yasj mdced, but I dD t The Player-Men are 
fij)er Folks. • 

Mr. Pincb. Bat you- love none better than me? 

Mrs. Pincb, You are my own. dear Bod,* and IknowyM : 
1 hat;e a Stranger. , . - ' ** 

Mr. Pincb. Ay, my Dear, you muft love me only ; and 
not be like the naughty Tpwn- Women, who only hate their 
^lufbands, and love every Man tjife, love Plays, Vifits, fine 
Coaches, fin^ Clbaths, Fiddles, Balh,, Treats, and fo lead 
a "wicfceiTtJwn Life. ' v 

Mrs. Pinch, Nay, if tQ enjoy all thefe thin^bea Towfi^ 
Xife, fiw^wriy not ][a:lad^.Ptace,' 'Pear. '• 
* Mn'PaAT^ -HbwHf ybu'lovcme, you mud^hate J!>ir</«tff. 

^Jlith,. The Foof KVs'ftfrbft! mk dHcovering W Her the Plea- 
i^res (fiT'fhe Towxi,- . and he' » now fetting her agog upon 
thenrhimrelfif • / / " ' [>W«f- 

'Mrtr!/t»<^.'But,.Hufbanid, do the Town-WomcB* lcrv« 
. U* Playe*«Men too ? .- 

. •. . :f :: ;:. ^^,- .;. • , Mr. 

Digitized by VjOOQIC 



^be Cintntry Wife. 19 

lAt. Finch. Yes, I warhint jroii.- ' ^ ' * ' 

Mrs. Pincb. Ay, I warrant you. 

Mr. Pittck. Why, youdofiot, I hope ? 

Mrs. Pineb, No, no, ^w* : But why have we no Play* 
er*Mcn in the Country ?- 

Mr. Pinch, Ha* — Mn.ASnx, aikme no more to go to 
a Play. 

Mrs.. Pitfch. Nay, why, Love? I did not care for going: 
But when you forbid me, you make me, as 'twere, dcfirc tt. 
^ ARth, So 'twill be in other thmgs, I warrtknt. l^fiU, 

'Mrs. PincB. Pray let me go to a Play, De«- > 

Mr. Pincb» Hold your Peace, Iwo'aot. 

Mrs.. Pinch. Why, Love? 

Mr« Pinch: Why, Til tell youi 

j/UHb. Nay, tf he tell her, fliett -grve him more caufe to 
forbid her that Place. [Jfide. 

Mrs. Pinch. Pray, vidiy, Dear ? 

Mr. Phich. I^irft, you like' die A^rs $ and the Gallants 
may like you. • - ; ; ' . 

Mw. Pinch. What a homely Country Giii 1 No, Bud, 
nobody wilHike toe. < •• 

Mr. Pinch. I tell you yw,, they may. * ' 

Mrg. Pinch. No, no, you}eft- ^t- f wont believe yob i I 
will go. * 

Mr. F/ffri&. I tell you then, that one of the kndeft Fellowi 
ki Town, who faw you there> toTd ine he was in love wtUi 
you. 
i • Mrs. Pinch. Indeed ! who, who, pmy w4io was't? 

Mr. Pincb. I've gone too far, and Aipt before I Was aWaift j 
how overjoy'd (he is I • . • - .* .' ^A/uie. 

Mrd: Pineb. ' Was it. any Han^/bsre 0»UaBtv any - of our 
Ndghbours f 1 promife you I am behtiden tohim. 

Mr. Pinch. I |>romife yoo^ you lye f for he wot'd but mm . 



you, as he has done hundreds: He basnoothier Love for 
' Women, but that Aich as he look upon Women, like Baii- 
lilks, but to deftroy 'em. 

' -Mrs; Ptncb^Ajy but if he knres me, why Should iie win 
me? A.nrwer me toitliat : Methinks h'e ftour'd'Viot', Twou'd 

• do h?m ha harm* "^ . . ^ .; 

JUtb.: Hzf ha,' ha. ^ * .n.V . - 

Mr. P^ncb. Tis venfwelt ; but III ke^him«ifroil^ doing 

yduanyharm» or me either. ' 

Enter Spaiktih and Harcourt. 

But here comes Company, get you in, set you in. 

♦ Mrs. Pincb* But pray» Homnd^ it ne a pretty Gentlt* 
man, that loves me? -^ 

•—'.-,' ••■ r '■ ' • '^^ , Mr. 

" i Digitized by VjOOQIC 



ao Tie C$MMiry W^e. 

Mr. Fuith. la. Baggage, in. . 

[ 0n^ Ur in, ftmis tbt Jkor. 
What» all the Icud libertkicf of the Town brought ^ my 
I-^g»& ^ ^» <>fy Qncconb ! SMeatfa FU not fu£fer it. 

Spark. Here, Harcourt, do youapprovemy Choice ? D^ar 
little Ilog«e> I tolil you I'd bring you acquainted with all 
my Friends, the Wits and — - IBvcoutt/akUa A^. 

fdr.FbuS^ Ay, theylhattkaoirherp aawcUatyoiiyoar* 
ielf willy I warrant you. 

Spark, Tim is one of tbofe, my. pretty Rojg^, that are to 
dance at your Wedding to-mciTowf t Aad hna yon noft bid 
welcome every to what you and^I have* 

Mr. PtMcb. Monftrous ) i4fide* 

Spark. Harcourtf how doft thos lifcehen faidi ? Nay, 
]>ear, do not look dom } 1 flMmld hate to h»m Wife of 
mine out of countenance at any thing. 

Mr. Pinch. Wonderful f 

Spark. Tell me» I (ay, Har^mtrt^ h^doft tJiottiikt htr f 
Thou haft ftar'd upon her enough, to lefolve me* 

Hi^rtr So iuSnittly wtll, that I coo^d wiiH I had aMiftrsTt 
toOf that might difo from her in notbtog, botthcr laitt aod 
Engagement to you* 

Mfb. Skf MaAcr ^^ij^ hat often told me duit hta 
Acquaintance were all Wits and RaiUieurs, and now I find it. 

Spark. No, by the Uaiterfe, Madam, he doea not rally 
»ow } you JMly briiete him : I do afiuce yo«» /he is the hO* 
aefteft, worthies, true-hearted Gentleman-— A Man of 
£jchperftailoiio«r» h««rou'd%iiMhaigtQft^Lady toe does 
Aot mean* 

Mr. Fificb. Praifing another Man to his'Mifatifr t 

Hare. Sir, yoUBref^bcyMdE«p«aatiou obliging, that— 

Spark. Nay, i*gad, I amii|i« youdoai^hnire Mr 

r> I feel !• your Eyes'* -*• He <V>ee ' ' 

By the World, don*t you ? 



ly, I feel i« your Eyes'* -*• He cb>ee admise you,. Madam. 



Hafc. Yea, abofe the W^irid, or, the moft giorioue Part 
of it, her whole Sex: And till now I never tho«|g{hl I ihoi^d 
have eatiedyou. or uny Man about tt> marry, hm yoo have 
; thob«il BaMe Mr Martiafe I ever knew. 

Jiitb* Nay, now. Sir, rm&tisfiedyoufpeof tbeSodety 
of the Witt, and Raillieurs, fince you cannot (pare vom' 
Frited, Ovcft %dMii ho it btat itectriltoymii biiltheftireft 
S%n is, fiuce you are an Enemy to Marriage, forthat I hear 
you hate as much as Btofiaeft ixt bad Wine. 

Hare. TrWy, Madam, I was never aA Enemy to MOr* 
• mge tUl BOW, becauib Marmge waa ■evtk' «& Eacaay io 
me before. 

Miti. Biitwfayt Sir^ itBifarriageaaEiieiD^toyoottow> 

Digitized by VjOOQ DeCaWC 



The Country Wift. t\ 

becatlfe It robs you of your Frictid here ? for you Jook upon 
a Friend married, as one gone into a Monaltery, that is, 
deadtothe Worl8. . 

Hare, 'Tis indeed; tiecauie yot^ marry him 5 I fte^ Ma- 
dam, you can guefs my Meaning : I doconfels heartily and 
openly, I wifli it wcre'm my Power to break the Match > by 
lleavens I wouM. 

Spark. Poor Vrank I - " 

*' ^/i/i5, Wou'd you befb unkind to me ? 

Hare, No, no, 'tis not bec;auffe I wouM be unkind to you. 

Spark. Poor Frank, no gad, 'tis only his Kindhefs to me. 

Mr. Pwcb, Great Kindnefs to you indeed j, infenfible 
Fop, let a Maft make love to his Wile to his Face ! i4fi^0. 

Spark. Come, dear Frank, for all my Wife there, that 
Ihall be, thou flialt enjoy me fometimes^ dear Rogue: By 
'my Honour, we Men of Wit condole for our deceafed Bro-> 
' ther in Marriage, as much as for one dead in earned : I diink 
that was prettily (aid of me, ha, Harcourt ? — r- But comc« 
' Fr«»if, be not melancholy for me. 

Hare. No, I afKire you, I am' not nielaricholy for you. 

Spark' Prithee, Frank, doft think my Wife, ihatftiall be 
there,' a fine Peijfon ? • 

* Hart. I cou'a gaze uppn her, till 1 became jAs blind as 
you are. . '.''*) 

Spark, ftow as I am ? how ? ' 
^ Hare. Becauie you aire a Lover, and true Lovers are blind, 
ftock blind. 

* • Spark. True, true 5 but by the World flie has Wit too, 
as well as Beauty : Go, go with her into a Corner, and try 
ifflie has Wit, talk to her anything, Ihe'sbafhful before me. 

. Hare. .In^Md if^a Woman wants Wtt in a Corner » (he has 
*it no where. •" ..-.,. 

'JGtb* Sir, you diipofe of me a little before your time ''••:— 

• (jffide'to Sparkiidi. 
Sp'ark, Nay, nay. Madam, let me have an Earheft of your 
Obedience, or*— go, go, Madam— — 

[Harcourt enirts Alithea a^dt. 

* Mr. Pinet. How, Sir, if you are not concerned for the 
Honour of a Wife, I am for that of a Sifter j he fiiall not 
debauch her t Be a Pander to your own Wife, bring Men 
to her, let Vm make love befoit your Face, thruflS 'em tntoa 
Comer together, then leave ""em in private ! Is this your 
Town Wit and Condua ? 

iSpark. Hai ha, ha,*afiHy'wifeRogiie wou^d niake one 
laugll more thana ftark Fooi, ha, 'ha 5 f (hall burth Nay, 
you (hall not dilhirb 'em 5 I'll vex thee, by the World. 

[Strugglavntb Findi. to keip tmfmH'Hxcam.imd PAith. 



12 fbe Cwntry Wife. 

Alitb, The Writings are drawn. Sir, Settlements nude | 
Hit too late, Sir, and pad all Revocation. 

Hare, Then & is my Death. - • 

Jlifb. I wouMnotbeuojpfttohiin. 

Hare. Then why to nae fo ? 

Jlitb. I have no Obligation to you* 

Hare. My Love. 

-i&>*. I had his before. 1^ 

Hare, You never had k s he wants, you fee, JfeaiouJ^, 
the only infallible Sign of it. 

Aliib, Love process /rom lEfteem j he cannot di((ruft ftif 
Virtue J befides, he loves me, or he wouM not marry me. 

Hare, Marrying you is no more (ign of his Love, than 
bribing your Woman, that he may many you, is a figti of 
his Generoiity : Maniage is rather a fign of Interctl, than 
Love i and he that marries a Fortune, covets aMiftreis, not 
loves her : But if jou take Marriage fior a fign of Love^ t^ 
it from me immedjately. . 

AUttf, Uo, DOW youhaveput a Scruple in my Head ; but 
in fliort, B\r, to -end pur Diilputc^ X muAiOtarry him, my 
JR^utation wou'd Aiifer in the WcoiJ elie. ^ % 

Hare. No'^ if you do liiarry hiiii, wsthyourt^Mrdon, Ma- 
dam, your Reputat^>n^fo» in the World, fnd yo^ wou*d 
ke thought in hecefiity for a Ctckt, 

Mtb, Nay, now you are ipude. Sir. Mr* /jMrljd^, pr<^ 

come hither^ your Friend here is very tronUefome, and yery 

^^€. Hold, hold, — I4fdi i^ Alidiei. 

Mr. Fineb. D'ye hear £hat? 

Impark, Why, d\^ ihinic^ TU ftdn to be iealoot, like ^n 
Country Bumpkin r 

Ml', tlheb. No, rather he a Cuckold, like a eredukut Clt* 

Hare, Madam,^ |fpu wou^d not bave keen 4b little generous 
ns to have told him. 

ulS^i^. Yeft,finjC^;im,cottMbe.6.Ht^|PQQ^ 

Atrr. Wnmgkim» no Map cin dd% he*s heneathan tn« 
)u^ } a Bubble, a .Cgward, a feniledi Idiot, » Wrel9k ^<» 
contemptible to all the World but youy that-«r- 
' Miib, Hdld, do not rail at him, for, finoe he la like to l^ 
.my Huiband, I am refolv'd to like hini : Nay, I tlunk I ?un 
' obliged to tell him, vou are not his Friend.—— Mafter Spar^ 
kifit M^er Sparh/b, 

i^ark. What, what; now dear Kogue, has not 4ie Wit? 
Hare. Not (o muchas I thought, and hoped (he had. 

[^ahfitrUfy. 
JViib. Mr. S^aH^i do you bring People to rail at wr^ 

Digitized by VjOOQIC 



^be Country Wife. 23 

Hsrr. Madam — 

SparM. How! no; but if he does rail at me, Yisbutinjeft 
I warrant ? what we Wits do for one anotber, and never take 
any notice of it. . 

AStb. Pie fpok^ fd f<kirriIo\iny of ^on, I bad no Patience to 
hear bim j befides he bas been making lore to me* 

Hare, True, dairiu'dtfell-tale Wbmin- . ^^ [Afide, 

Shark, Pihaw, to fhew his Parts we Wits rail and 

make love often, but to ihew our Parts 5 as we have no Af- 
Mtion^ fd we have no Malie^; we— •- 

Mtb* He (aid you were a Wretch below an Injury. 

Spark, Plhaw. 

Hare, Damn*d, Icnflefi, im}>udent, viituoys }ade ; well, 
fmct fhe wcAit let me have her, ihe*U ao as gobd; ihe'U make 
me hate her. 

^</i&. A common Bubble. ■ ., 

Spartl Whaw. 

Alith. ACoward. 

SpaHk. Pihaw, Pihaw. 

Alitb. A fenfelefi drivelltng Idiot. 

Spark. How ! did he difpara^ my Parts ? Nay, then, my 
Honour^s^ncemM. I can't put up that. Sir j by the World, 
Brother, help me to kill him, (I may draw now, (ince we 
have the Odds of him : — 'tis & good Occaiion too before my 
Miftrefe)-..-[4&/^. \Ofmtiidra<w. 

Alitb. Hold, hold. 

Spark. What, what? 

Aiitb. I muft not let 'em kill the Cendeman neither, for 
his Kindncft to me $ I am fo far from hating him, that I 

wi(h my Gallant had his Perfon and UndcribuMhBg : 

(Nay if my Honour— — t-4^* 

Siark. nl be thy Death. 

J^b. Hold, hold, indeed to tell the Truth, the Geiltlfc-. 
man faid aftir aH, that what he fpoke, was but oot of Friend- 
fliip to you. 

spark. How! iky, I amaFool, thatit no Wit, outof 
Friendihip to me ! 

Alitb. Ves, to try whether I was eoncem*d enough for 
you i and made Love tome only to be fatisfy'd of my Virtut, 
for your fake* 

Hare. Kindhowtver— [4^4^» 

Spark. Nay, if it were fo, my dear Itogue, I a& thee 
Pardon j bufwhy wouM not you tell me fo, faith ? 

Hare. Becaufe I did not think on't, faith. 

spark. Come, Homer does not come, Hdrattrt let's be 
goi^e^ th« 1^ Play,-..* Come, Madam. 

Digitized by VjOOQ 



24 T&e Country ff^ife. 

Alitb. I Will not go, if you intend to leave me alone^in the 
Box, and rqn into the Pit, as you ufe to do. , 
' Sf^ark. Pfliaw, FJl leave Hi«rfo«r/ with you mtbc Box, to 
•ntertain you, and that's as good ; if I fat In the Box, I 
flip^'d be thought no Judge but of Trinimings.;--'Come a- 
way,'fl«rr(?«r/, lead her down, / , : 

" [£;«•«««« Spackifh,. HarQourt, z?«iAlithea. 

Plncb. Well, gp thy vy^s, foe the .'Flower of the trpe 
Town Fops, fuch as fpend their Eftatcs before they come ta 
*em, and are Cuckolds before they're married- But let me 
CO look to my own Free-hold — - How-r— . 
Enter my Lady Fidget, Miftre/s Dainty Fidget,, ^d Mifirefi 
Sque^mifli, .■'•''.. ■^^ 

Lady F/df^. y pur Servant, Sir^'whereisypur J^ady ? We 
are come to wait upon her to the new Play. 

Pincb. New Play ! ^ r • H 

, Lady Fidg. And my Hu(band will wait upon you prijfently. 

Pincb. Damn your Civility—- * , f ^^; 

Madam, by no means, I will not fee Sir JaJ^fr Here, till I 

have waited upon him at horae^ nor ihall ray .Wife fee you 

till fhe has waited upon your.Ladifhip at your Lodgings. , 

'tadyf/<fe. Now;w,e^are here,' Sir. ^' .. .^ , , , . ,i 

PincL No, Madain. * / . *^: ' '- ' ' - 

Dalh. Pray, let us fee her. ' ,. . . .. - ' 

' iquenm. We will not ftir,' till we fee her. ; .. . ; 

fincb. A Pox on you all-— XAf^<^^') ^ . 

\G9es to tbe Door, ana returns. 
She has lockM the Door, and is gone abroad. , ^ 

Lady H^. No, you have Tock'd 'the Door, and Ijies 

within. 

i)tfi». They told us below, Ihe was here. ■ , 

Pincb. (Will nothing do ?)— Well it muft out thcni to 
teU you the Truth, L?die&, which I was afraid to let you 
know before, left it might endanger your Lives, ray We has, 
iuft now the Small Pox fcbme out upon her, do notbe fnght- 
ned.j but pray be gone, Ladies, you fliall not ftay here in 
danger of your Lives, pray get you gone, Ladies. 

Lady Fi4g. No, no, we have aU had 'em. . 

Squeam. Alack, alack ! . 

Xiw«. Come, come, we muft fee how it goes with her, i 
tti^crftand the Difeafe. . , . • ; ; . 

Lady Fi^* Come. , ' 

Pincb. Well, th^re is np being too hard fot Women at; 
thcir own Weapon, Lying, therefore 111 quit the Field. 
^ {Afide.) [£;c. Pinchwife. 

I 5i7«f«»«. Here's an Example of Jealoufy I 

Lady Fidg. Indeed, as the World goes, I wonder there 
are no more jealous, fmce Wives are fo negleacd, Vatn. 



VhtCcuntryWife. >5 

t>atn. Pi(hjAr> a» die Wodd goes, to what end QiouM thef 

Lady f!^. Toh, His a liafty World. . 

Squtam.. ThsLt Men of Paits, ,^reat Acquaintance, and 
t^aality, (houM oik^iip withy and ipendthemrelvesandFor* 
tun^ in keeping little rlay-houfe Creatures, foil J 

Lady f/<4r* Nay, that Women of Underftanding, greaj: 
'Aoqualntance, and good Qiialhy ihou*d fall « keeping too of 
little Creatures, foh J 

. Sqaeam, Why, ^tislhc Men of X^llities Faulty thev.ii«vcr 
Vifit Women of Honour, and Reputation, ^as they us'd to do^ 
and have not To much as common Civility for Ladies of our 
Hank, but uie us with the fame Indifferency* and ill Breeds 
lug, as if we were all marry 'd to 'em* 

Lady Fidg. She Jajs true, His an errant Sbanse Womcii 
of Quality ihouM be fo (lighted i methinks. Birth, Birth, 
ihouMga for fomething t I have kiK>wn ^en admired, 
courted, and followed for their Titles only. 

Sqtuani. Ay, one wou'd think Men ot Honour ihouM not 
love, no more than marry, out of their own Rv» 

• Dain, Fie, fie upon' 'em, they arc come to thinkgrofs Breed- 
ing for themfelves beft, as well as for Uieir Dogs and.Horfei . 

Lady Fidg. They are Dogs and Horfes for't. 

Squeam* One wou'd think, if not forLove, for Vanity a little* 

• f)ain. Nay, they do fatisfy their Vanity upon us foroe- 
times i and are kindlo us in their Report, tell all the Worldl 
they lie with us. ^ 

Lady Fidg, Damn*d Rafcals, that we ihoii'd be only 
vrong'd by *em } to report a Man has had a Pes^n, w^eii 
he Ras not had a PerTon, i^ the greateft W^ong in the wfiolc 
WorW, that can he done to a Perfon. 

Squeam* Well, *tis an errant ihame, noble Perfons Aiou'4 
be fo wrongM and negle6led. 

• Lady Fife. But ftill Vis an erranter (hame far a noble Eer- 
fon to negloEi her own Honour, and defame her own noble 
Tcrfon, with litdeinconfiderable Fellows, foh! 

- Daw. I fuppofe the Crime againi! pur Honour i« the f|me 
with a Man of Quality as with another^ 

Lady Fidg. How 1 no fure, the Man of Quality i« likeft 
ione's Hufband, and therefore the Fault ihouM be the leis. 

Dam. But then the Pleafure ihou'd be the Jefs. 

Lady Fidg. Fie, Ecy £e, for Aiame, Sifter, whitl^er (hall we 
ttmBle? Be continent ill ^our Difcourfe, or I (hall hate you. 

Dain. Befides an Intrigue is Sa much the more notoiiou* 
fa the Man*s Quality. 

S^puam* Tis true, nobody taltes Notice of aprivatc Mai^ 

C Digitized by Gobg AOll 



%6 Tie Country Wife. 

tml therefore wtf h htm Hie fnore fecret | and the Ctiitte^ thi 
kft lichen *tis not knowa. ^ 

Lady Fidg, You fay true ; Tfaith, I think fmzn in tktf 
fight on'ti *Tis not An Injury to a Hufband, till it be an In-* 
iisry |o our Honours } fo that a Woman of Honour lofts no 
JEionourwitih aprtvate Perfen | and to fay Truth 

Daim^ So the little Fellow is grown a private Perfon— — 
^hher lAparf to SqMCAnu 

t9i4jRd^^ But IHll my dear, dear Honour 

EnUr Sir JtSjpct, Horner^ Dorilant* 

Shr Ji^ Aff my dear, <lear of HonouTi thou hail iHll Ik 
ittiuch Honour «ii thy Mouth — 

Honif That ^e nas none eli«whei?e—— I4fi^* 

l4uly Fufg* Ohy what d*ye mean to brii^ In thefe upon us f 

Dain. Foh ! ^e^treas bad as Witsu 

Sfumm. Foh! 
■ Lady Fidj^, Let us leave the Koottt. 
' 6ir Ja^.. Sta^» ftay, faith to tell you the naked Truth— 

}Lady Fidg. F»e, Sir Ja^er, do not ufe that Word naked* 

.Sir j!!<s^Weli» well, in ftort I have Bu(ine& at IfbitebaU^ 
and canno^o to the Play widi you, therefore wou'd have yon 
go-"- 
^Ladyflr45f. With thofe two Jto a Play f 

Sir JaA, No, not with t'other, but with 'Mr* Homer | 
^bere can he no more Scandal to go with him^ thaa with Mr# 
Rattle f or MzSker Umherbam, 

Lady /|^. Widi that nally Fellow 1 no**-iiQ. 

Sir^/^^Naya pnthee, lisai;, hear me. 

linft^s to tadf Fidg» 

B^nr* Ladies. {Homer, l)oSiaiXttdranmttgniat 

S^ieamiili and Painu 
, JOain. Sta]^4)IF. 

Sqaeam. Db not approach us,. 

liam. You herd with the Wih, voutU'e Ohibenity all over^ 

Sqiuam, And I wouM as foon look upon a Pioure of i^ 
gftfjK and E'oe^ without Fig-leaves, as any of you, if I cou*d 
help it, tiierefbre keep oS^ and do not make us fick* 

bor. What a Devil are thefe? 

Horn. Whv, theft are Pretenders to Honour, as Griticki 
ioWit, only uvccnftirinK others; andasevery raw^peevjfl^ 
eut^- humour d, afiefted, dull Tea-drinking,. Artthmettcu 
Fop fets up for a Wit, by railing at Men otSenfe, Q> thefe 
for Honour, by railing at the Courts and Ladies of as groat 
Honour as C^lity. 



Sir 7i»^. Come, Mr. i%fMrr»Iixrailds£ffeyoutagQ4i«iili 
Ihefe Ladies to the PlagFf Sir* 
Horn. I f Sh*. P^^^ 

•ir7#^« Ay, ay, come. Sir, ogized by <^oog -^^ 



The Country Wife. ±J 

Hom.i. mnft bcg^your Pardon, Sir, and tbeirs, I wlH 
tot be feen in Women's Company in publick acain for thi 
World. 

Sir Jajp* Ha, ha, ftrange AverHon. 

Saueam. No, he's for Women's Company in pritste* 

Sir Jajp, He poor Man— he ha, ha, na, 

DaSt. 'Tis a greater Shame amongft ledd Pdlowitob^ 
feen in virtuous Women's Company, than for the Women 19 
be feen with them. 

Horn. Indeed, Madam, the time was I only hated vir^ouf 
Womett, but now I hate the other too $ I beg your Pardon^ 
Ladies. 

Lady Fit^. You are very obliging. Sir, becaufe wewou'd 
not be troubled with you. 

Sir yajh. In fober Sadnefs, he (hall go. 

JDwm Nay, if he wo' not, I am ready to wait upqii the La- 
dies, and I think I am die ^tter Man. 

Sir ^J^* You, Sir, no, I thank you for that— Miafh* 
Hnner is a privileged Man amongft the virtuous Ladie?, \will 
be a great while before vou are fb \ He, he, he, he's my 
Wife's Gallant, be, he, ne 5 no, pray withdraw, Sir, for, 
as I take it, die vUtuo\H Ladies have no Bufmefs with you. ' 

Dor» And I am fure he can l^ave none with them \ \\% 
Grange a Man can't eome amon^ virtuous Women now, but 
tpbn the fame Terms as Men are admitted' into the great 
Ta»4*s Seraglio s Bat Heavens keep me from being an Horn* 
bre Player with 'era. But where is Pmchnvife ? {Exti Don, 

Sir 7^* Come, come, Man, what avoid the fweet Socie^ 
ty of Woman-kind ? That ftveet, foft, gemle, tame, nobk 
Creature Woman, made for Man's Companion—— 

Horn. So is that (bft, eentle, tame, and more noble Crea- 
ture a Spaniel, and has all their Tricks ; can fawn, lie down; 
IbiFcr beating, and fawn the more j barks at your Friend* 
when they come to (ee you, makes your Bed hard, eives yoi^ 
Flets, and the Mange fometimes : And all the iSiflference 
is, the SpanteTs the more faithful Animal, and fawns but 
iipon one Mafter. 

Sir Ja^. Heh, he, he. 

Smternn, O, the rude Beaft! 

Dmn. In(blent Brute ! 

Lady/%^. Brute! ftinking, mortify'd^ xfAXei^FnnchVT^ 
ther, to dare— — 

Sir Jafp. Hdd, an't pleafe yoiur Ladiihip : For ihame» 
jailer Jiomer, your Mother was a Woman — • 
How inn I never reconcile 'em. . 14/Ue» 

Hark you. Madam, take my Advice in your Anger 1 Yo* 
kaow you sftcn want one to make up your droMng Pa^ of 
C % Hombrt 



at The Country Wife. 

Uombre Fbyertt and you mdy cheat him eafily ; for fae^rsit 
ill Gamefter, and confequen^y loves Play. Befides, yoa 
know you^ Rave but two old civil Gentlemen (with ftinkin^ 
Breaths too) to wait upon you abroad ; take in the third into 
▼our Service s The other are but crazy ; and a Lady ihou*d 
have a fupernumerary Gentlcman-Ulher as a fupemumerary 
Coach-Horfe, left ibmeumes^ you ihou'd be forced- to ftay at 
iMme* 

Lady FUg, But are you fure he loves Play, and has Money- 

Sixjafp^ He loves rlay as much as you, and has Money, 
as njtich as I. 

Lady Fidg. Then I am contt ntcd to make him pay for hii 
Scurrility : Money n»Ices up in a meaiure all other Wants in 
Men— Thoie whom we cannot make hold for Gallants, w^ 
make fine. [Afide. 

Sir ?^- ^9^y now to naollil^> to wheedle him|-'[i^^« 
Mailer Homer, will vou never keep civil Company ? me<i 
ihuaks 'lis time bow, nnce you are only fit for them* Come, 
come, Man, you muft e^en fall to vtfitmg our Wives, eating 
at our Tables, drinking Tea with our virtuous Relations at* 
ter Dinner, dealing Cards to 'em, reading Plays and Gazettes 
to 'em, picking Fleas out of their Smocks for >m, coUe^ing 
Kcceipts, new Songs, Women, Pages, and Footmen for 'em. 

Hor/tm I hope they'll afford me better Employment, Sir. - 

^if yaj)>. Heh, h'fe, be 5 'tis fit you know your Work be- 
fore you come into yo^r Place & And fince you are unprovid- 
ed of a Lady to flatter, and a ^pood Houfeto eat at, pray fie^ 
quent mine, and call my Wife Mi(tre&, and ihe ihaU call 
you Gallant, according to the Cuftom* 

/i^^y.Wiio, I?— - 

Sir 7^. Faitl^ thou (ha't for my lake $ come for my fake. 
pnly. : . . 

Ham. For yom* fake--— 

Sir Jajp,, Come, conie, here's a Gamcfter for you 5 kt himr 
be a little familiar fonsetimes, nay, what if a Iktle rude ^ 
GameAers ma,y be rude wiih Ladies, you know. , 

Lady Fidg. Yes i lofmg Gamefters h*ve a Privilege witl% 
Women. 

Horn. I always thought the contrary, that the winning 
Camefter had rooft Privilege with Women 5 for, when yt>u 
H^ave loi^ your Money to a Man, you*U loie any thing you 
have, all you have, they fay, and he may ufe you as he pleafes* 

Sir Jcyf* Heh, he, he -y well, win or lofe you ihall >have 
your Liberty with her. 

Lady Fidg. As he behaves himfelf; and for your lake I'll 
give him Admittance and Freedom. 

Hgrmi All ibrtt of Freedom, Madam I r^^ci\o 

Digitized by VjOOglC CJ- 



The Country fPife. t^ 

Vk Jt^. Ay, ty, ^y% aU forts of Freedom Awiciiifttiket 
And foeoto her, begiii thy new Employment ; wheedle her, 
feft with her; and be better acquainted one with another. 

Ham. I think I know her akeady \ therefore may venture 
#rith her my Secret for her*!. L4fi^\ 

' Sir Ja/^. Sifter Ctti, I have provided an innocent Play- 
Fellow feryou there. 

Dam. Who, he ! 

Sateam. There's a Play-Fellow, indeed t 

Sir JoA. Yes fore i What, he is good eriongh td play at 
's, BiindmanVBoiF, or the Fool with fometimes. 
mm. Fob 1 we'll have noftich Play-Fellows. 

^am. ^to, Sh: | you fliant chufe Play-Fellows for us, vr^ 
Aank you 4 

Sk ja/p. Nay, pniy hear me. V^yh^^ ^^ thtm. 

I.a^ fi^. But, poor Gentleman, conM Voa b^ fo gene- 
rous, io truly a Man of Honour, as, for the (akes of us Wo- 
men of Honour, % caufe yourfelf to be reported na Man ? 
No Man ! and to fiilEer your&lf the greatcft Shame that cou'd 
fin upon a Man, that none might faU upon us Women by 
your Converiaooni But indeed. Sir, asperfc^lyi perfef^ljp 
ne fame Manas before your going into France ^ Sir ? as per- 
feftly, perfeftly; Sir ? 
• mm. As perfeaiv, pcifeair. Madam: Nay, I fcom 

Lady ¥i4g. YfvM, that's fpoken again li)ce aMan of Ho- 
nours AUMeBofHonoordelirelaoometotheTeft. But, 
indeed, generally you. Men report fuch thti^ of yourielves^ 
0ne does not know how or whom ttf believe $ and it is come 
lothat|>|is, «e4are |iot take your Words no more thmi yotm 
Taylors, without fome ^id Servant of yours be bound with 
jum. But I ha«eib ftroag a Faith te yoor Honour, dear, 
dear noble Sir, that VA tafSek maoe for y^rs atany time^ 
dear Sir^ 

.. Honu No, Madam, you ihou'd not need to forfeit it for 
me 4 I haye given you Security aUieady to fave you faarmkfirgt 
my late Reputation being To well known in the World, Ma« 
dam. > 

Lad^ Bdg. But if upon any future Falling-out, eir upon % 
SuTpIcton c?my taking.the Truft out of your Hands, to exiw 

?Ioy ibme other, you yourfelf ikpu'dbetcay your Truft, deatf 
ir ? I mean, ifyouHi give me leave to ipe» obCbenely., yonk 
Ihight tell, dear Sir. ' ^ ;t.{ 

Horn. If I did, no body wpu^d brieve me s The Reputa- 
^ff&of Jmaotency is as hac^y »eov«r"d4f9d» i* lh« VMd, 
ai^balof Cowatwce, dear Madam, 

C 3^ Digitized by GoOg Lftdy 



go The Country Wifi. 

Lady Tiig* Kay then, as one may &y yon wxf do ytor 
wordy dear, dear Sir. _ * 

Sir Ja^* Come, h your Ladifhip recondled to him yet ?. 
bayeyou agreed on matters ? For I muft be gone to Wiate-haU, * 

Lady rt^% Why indeed. Sir Jajher, Matter Homer is ^ 
thoufand, thoufaBd times a better. Man than I thought him. 
Coufm Squeamijb^ Sifter Daintj^ I can name him now : Tku* 
1y, not long ago, yon know, I thought his very Name Obtr 
icenity $ and I wou*d as foon have lain with bim as bave 
]iam*d him. 

Sir y^. Very likely, poor Madam. 

Bain. I believe it. y 

Soueam. No doubt on*t. 

Sir Jajp. Well, well— -that yonr Ladiihip h as virtuous 

ts any ilie 1 know, and him all the Town knows— —beh^ 

be, be X Therefore, now yoy like htm get yon gone to your 
Bufme's together, go, go to your Bu£neis, I iay, Pteafure^ 
whilft I gis to my rleafure, Bufineft. , , 

LadyFi^. Come then, dear Gallant. # 

Horn, Come away, my deareft Miftrcfs. 

^ir JaJP^ So, fo } why *tis as I'd have it* \Exit Sir Jzfyer» 

Horn. And as I'd have it. . 

ladjf Fidg. H^^ for his Bufinefs^ /rem his Wifi wiB nmp 
Jakes the hejl Care to have ber BiWntfs dme* \ 

[Exeunt omnes^' 



A C T III. S C E N E I. 

Alidwaaff^JkTr/. Pinchwife. 

Mith. C^\%T%'?iy wfaatailsyou? Yon are grttwn melaV 
O eb6ly. 

Mrs. finch. WouM It not make any one melancboly, toC* 
fte yoQ go every Day fluttering about abroad^ whSft I mufr 
ftay at borne like a poor lonely Allien Bird in a Cagesl 

Mth. Ay, Sifter; but you came young, and juft from die 
IMi to your Cage \ lb that I thought you likM it, and cou'd 
\ft as cbearful in't as others that took their Flight tbcmfelvea 
early, and are bopping abroad in the open Air* ' . ' 

Mrs. ¥tnch. Nay, I confefs I was quiet enough, till my^ 
Rusband told me what pure Lives the London Ladies live «- 
Ijiiwad, with their Dancing, Meetings, and Tuncjjlietings, and 
dlpefs'd every Day in their beft Gowns ; and I warrant yoiiy^ 
flay at Nine-Pins every Day of the Week, fo they do. * 
Enter Mr. Pinchwife. 

J4r, PaMk Ccnei wbifs kcre to do ? you arr puidnd 

^ Digitized by VjOOQIC ■ 



tbi Country Wifi. 31 

die Town-FleaTures in her Head^ and fctdng lier vionging. 
AHtb. Yes, after Nine-?in» : You (uifer none to give her 
thole Zongings you mean, but yourielf. 
» Mr. ?Mch. I tell her of the Vanities of the Town, lit^e t 
Confeflbr. 

• Alitb, A* Confeflbr ? Juft fuch a Confeflbr, as he that, by 
forbidding a filly Hoftler to greafe the Horfc's Teeth, taught 
liim to do*t. 

Mr. Pincb. Come, Miftrefs Flippant^ good Precepts are 
loft when bad Examples areftill befoie us ; Th^ Libert j yoii 
take abroad makes her hanker after it, and out of humotir at 
home : Poor Wretch! (he defirednot to come to London \ I 
ivou'd, bring her. 

ABtb. Very vrtti. • 

Mr. Phicb. She has been this Week in Town, and never 
defired till this Afternoon to go abroad. 

• Alitb. Was (he not at a Play yefterday ? 

Mr. Pincb, Yes j but (he neV aik*4 me : I was myfelf the 
Caufe of her going. ^ 

Alitb. Then if Ine aflc you again, you are the Caufe of hei^ 
ft(king, and not my Example. 

Mr. Piucb. Well, to-morrow Night I ftiallberid of you|| 
tad the next Day before *tis Lieht, (he and 1*11 be rid of the' 
Town, and my areadful Apprehenflons. Come, behotme-» 
J^mcholy i for thpu (halt go intoUte Country after to-morrow^ 
Peareft. 

Alitb. Great Comfort ! 

Mrs. Pincb. Pi(h, what d'ye tell me of the Country for* . 

Mr. Pincb, How^s this ! w*at, pi(h at the Countiy I 

Mrs. Pincb. Let me alone, I am not well. 

Mr. pincb. O, if that be all-- -what ails my Deareft ? 

• Mrs. Pincb. Truly, I don't know t Butl\ave not been 
"^ell flnce you tbfd me there wai a Gallant ai the Play in love 
with me. 

Mr. P«r*. Ha 

Alitb. That's by my Example too ! ; 

Mr Pincb: Nay, itymx are not well, but are fo concerned, 
becaufe a lend Fellow chance^o lye, and % he lik'd you« 
you*ll make me fick too. 

Mrs* Pincb. Of what Sickpefs ? 

Mr. Pmcb. O, of that which ie wor(e than the Plaguet 
Jealoufy.. I 

Mrs. Pincb. Pi(h, you jeer; Tm fuxe there's no (uch Dif*^ 
sjMe in bur Receipt-Book at home. 

' Mr r Pincb. No, thou never met''^ with it, poor Innocent; 
••— wclJ* if thou cuckold me, ^twHl be my own fault-— for 
Cuckolds and Baftards are generally Makers of their own 



3« -W^ Cmary mfit. 

Mri. tM. Wdl^butprayi Bu4j let^s gotoaPtrfft^ 

Mc Pisdk *T«i }uft done, lh< conies £rom it i Btit whjr 
ftre you fo eager to fee a Ptay T 

Mrs. Pi0d>. Faith, Pear, not tbati care one Pjn for their 
Calk there i tiat I like to took upon the Player-Men> an4 
woifd fee, if I cou*d, the Gallant you Say loves mc & That'$ 
aU> dear Bud? 

Mr. Pinch. Is that all, dear Bod? 

A&tb. Th)^ proceeds ^om my Example! 

Mrs. Tincb. But if fhc Play he done, let^s go abroad he«r« 
evei'y dear Bud? 

Mr. Pincb, Come have a little Patience!, andthoufiuikgo 
yito the Country oa irt<^. 

Mrs. Pincb. Therefore I wou^d fee firft Xome Sights, tf 
tdl my Neighbours of « Nay, I Will go abroad, that s once. 

JUUb. Vm the Caufe of mis Delve too 1 

Mr. Pinch. But now I think on*t, who, who was fht 
Cauie ofHoTMcr's coming to my Lodging to>day ? That was 
you. 

JUfb. No, you, becauie you wouM not let him fee your 
tandibme "WIas out of your Lodging. 

Mrs. Pinch. Why, O Lord! did ihe Gentleman comd 
kldier to fee me indeed ? 

Mr. Tincb. No, no, ^Tou are hot the Caufe of thai 

damned Queftion too, Miftrefs M0^a /— *^( Well, &e*s tn 
the Hght ^\U He 48 in love with my Wife--"and comes af» 

ter her— '^tis fo But 1*11 nip hb Love in the Bud | left lie 

AouM follow us into the Country, andl>reak his Chadot* 
Wheel near our Houfe, on puriK>fe for an Excufc |o come 
tp't-ButlthiaklknowtheTown.) l^ifidc. 

Mrs. Piftcb. Come, pray Bud, let*s ^q abroad befoK "'tis 
4ste ; for I will go, thafs nat and plain. , 

Mr. Pinch. So! the Obftinacv alread/of the T^wa-Wiie i 
•ad I muft, whilft ihe*s ^ere, humour her like one. i4/^^* 
Sifter^ how ihall we do, that fiie may not "be fcen, ortkApwn f 

Miih. Let her put on her Ma(k. 

Mr. Pinch. Pwaw, -a Malk makes People 'but the more 
iiiqiiifitive, and is as ridiculous a Pifguiie as a Stage- Beard s 
Her Shape, Stature, Habit, will be known. And if we 
AmiM meet with Hdmer, he wou''dl>e fure to take acqpajhv 
tanoe witbus, mutt wiih her Joy, kifs hec, 4alk to her, leer 
>mon lier, andthel^evil and all. No, HI not.ufe her t6%^ 
Maft, *tis dangerous i lor'Malks liave madt^nc^e CudwV^ 
t|an ti)e beft i^ces that ever were known. 
' Jlith, How will you do then ? 

' Mis. Tincb. Nay, ihell yve ^o7 The Bi^dangi will hi 
Am i and I have a mind to fee tha;t* * * Mr/ 



^be Counlry Wif$k 33 

Mr. ?mch^ So-^— I have it** -m dreft her op m the 8uit 
¥re are to carry down to her Brother, little Sir 'James \ nay, 1 
underftand the Town-Tricks. Come, let*s go drefs her \ 
A Maikl no-«>-A Woman maflc*d, like a coverM Difli^ 
gives a Man Curiofity aiid Appetite \ when, it may be, iia* 
covered, twould turn his Stomach : Mo, no. 

Mith, Indeed your Comparifon is ibmething a grea/y one \ 

But I had a gentle Gallant, us'd to fay, A Seauty maik'd. 

like the Sniiia Eclipie, gathers together more Gazers than i 

h (hin'd out. \ExtUHU. 

%he Scene chmtga to the New Exchange. 

Enter Horner, Harcourt, Dorilant. 

Dor. EngagM to Women, and zMxtfup with us ! 

Horn* Ay, a poi^ on '*em all. 

Hare* You were much a more reafbnable ^&n in tiift 
Morning, and had as noble Refolutioiis againft *em, as » 
Widower of a Week's Liberty. 

/>tfr« Did I ever think to fee you keep company with Woi^ 
flienittvain> 

Horn. In vain ! no— *'tis fince I can^t love 'era, to be r^ 
Tene'd on 'em. 

Here* Now your Sting is gone, you look'd in the Box m^ 
inongft all thofe Women,' like a' Drone in the Hive ; all upo» 
)rop, ihov'd and ill usM by 'cmallv- and dmift from one iidi* 
^t'other. 

Doff. Yet he muft he buzaing amengft *em fiill, like othcf 
beetle -headed liqupriih . Drones : Avoid *em^ and hate ^em^ 
asdiey hate you. ) 

Horn. Becavfetl do hate 'em, and wou'd hate 'em yet more, 
I'll frequent *em. You may fee by Marriage, nothing makes 
a Man hate a Woman morpi tlian her conftant Convofaton^ 
In /hort, I converfe with, 'em, as you do with rich Fools, to 
lau^batthem, anduiib^'emill. 

Dor^ But { wou'd no more fup; with Women, unlefs X cou**!! 
lie with 'em, than Aip.yrijh a jri^h Coxcomb, unle& I coulid 
cheat him. ; 

Horn^YtBj I haveknovm thee fup with a Fool for his- 
prinkin|r $ If he cou'd fet out your Hand that way only, yott 
were fatis^'d, axyl if. he were a.wine-fwsillowing Mouthy 
^twas enough. 

Hairc. Yes, a Man drinks often with a Fool, as he toilet 
with a Marker, only to keep his Hand kt uie. But do the 
Ladiep.dridc ? • - 

Horn, Yes, Sir $ and I ihall have the Pleafure at leaft:«#' 
laying 'em &u with a pottle, and bring as much Scandal that 
'^ay upon 'em, as foi^nerly t'other. 
. . Harc'f rerh^ps yoo may provelat weak a Brother among 
>m that wayi as t'other. . X)f^ 



34 ?V Countfy Wife. 

Dor. F^ky dnnking with Women is at vata^xaaH as fbol^- 
fhg with ^em : But *tit a Pteafnre of decayed Fornicators^ andf 
die baieft way of c|iiend)in|; Love« 

Hare. Nay, *dt drownmg Love^ inftead of quenching it t 
9tit feare us for^iTil Women too ( 

Don AVf when he can*t be the better for 'em i We hxMf 
pardon a Man that leaves hit Friend fora Wench, and that's 
a pretty lawful CaiL 

Horn. Faith, I woo^d not leave you for *em, if diey wou^d 
weft drink* 

Dor. Who vroifd diAippoInt his Company at Inuu^t for 
a Goflipping f 

Hare, Foh, Wine and Women, good apart, tocher ara 
as naufeous as Sack and Sugar. But hark you, Sir, befbrt 
jrou go, a little of yonr Advice ; an old maim'd General* 
%hen unfit for A6Hon, is fitteft for Counfel : I have other 
Pefiipis upon Women than eating and drinking with them ] 
I am m love with SparkifiTt Miftrefi, whom he xt to msarryto* 
vorrow : Now how ihall I eet her ^ 

J5^^ Sparkiih, iookutgeAouf. 

Horn, Why here comes one will hdp you to her. 

Hare. He ! he, I te!I you, is my Rival, and wiH Hnder 
,iny LrOve* 

Bom. No $ a fcoKft Rival and a jearoot Huftand afliil thcS' 
Rival's defigns 5 fpr they are fure to make ihcir Women hate 
Ihem, which is the firft Ifcp t» iheir I-ove for another Man. . 

Hare, But I cannot come near his Miftrtfs, but in his 
Company. 

Horn, Still the better for you ; for Fools are moft ealily 
dieated when they themfthres ar^ Accellaries t And he is to 
be bubbled of his Miftreft as of his Money, fbe commoa 
Miftrefs, by keeping him Company. 

Spark. Who is that, that is to be babbled ? Faith, let me 
ffiack i I han\ met with a Bubble ftsce CBriJfmas. *Gad, | 
4iitnk Bubbles are like their Brother Woodcocks, go oatwkh 
the cold Weather. 

Hare. A pox, he did not hear all I Iwpe. [i^arf leHor* 
' Spark, Come^ you bubbling Rogues you, where do we 
Ihp* — Oh, Harcovrt^ my Mmcis Itelb aae you have beei| 
making fierce Love to her all the iday long i Hah, ha*--** 
SutI--- 

Hare, i makd Love to her I 
' Spark. Nay, I forgive thee ; fcr I think I know thee, and 
t know her, but I am fure I know nnyfcir* 
• ffunr. Did file tell you ib? lieeatl Women are fiketheAf 
ci thit E^cebangg ^ who, to enhance the Price of their'Commoi^ 
flitiet, report to their fond Caftonien Qflbt fttch were m* 
^ mads 'cm. ogizedby^ jtj,,^ 



, fh Omntry Wifi. 35 

Am. hp WoaaeDSbre ajitto uU.bdbrethc XatrijAie, at 
.^cn after it^ and ib (hew diemfelves tiit vainer Sex. But haft 
thouaMiftrel^, Sparki/bF Tis as hard for me to believe itt 
as that thou ever badft a Bubble) ai you bragged juft now. 

Spark* Oi yoiir Servsfit^ S>r« Ait you ^ yoUr Railleiy^ 
8ir ? But We are fome of vs before-hand widi you to-day at 
the Play i The Wits were fomtthbg bold with you^ Ik | 
did you not hear us latigh t 

Horn. Yet: Sut I thought you bad gone to Plays, to laugh 
lit the Poet's Wit, not at your oWm 

^ark. Your Servant, Sir: No, Ithajikyoa. *G?dTgo 
*o a Play, as to a Country Treat : I carry my own Wine tp 
«ne, and my tnei Wit to t'other, or eUb Fm fore I fiiou^d 
»ot be merry at eithert '^Ssl the Reafon whv we are fo oftm 
Jouder than the Players, is, beetuie Ki» thIpK we i^alc moite 
Wit, and fo become the Poet's Rivals in hit AudiefiCC } For 
40 tell you the Truth, we hate the filly Rogues ; nay, fo mucT^, 
that we find £itilt tveh with their Baudy upon' die Stage^ 
iWhilft we talk nothing elie in the Pit as kud. 

Born. But whv i&uki'ft' thou hate the flly Poets ? thoa 
liaft too much Wit to be one $ and they, like Whores, are 
/Mily bated by each oidicr : And thou don &om Writing, I'm 
fure. 

Sparh, Yes ; Fd have you to know t ^om Writrng : B«< 
Women I Women, that make Men do all foolifli Things^ 
Jfnake 'cm wiite ^ngs too. Every body does it x *Tis e'ea 
as common with Lovers as playing with Fans ; and you- can 
no more help rhyming to your PhtUisy than drinking to your 
PbiHis. 

Hare, N^, Poetry in Love is no more tobesvoided^thaA 
JealoQfy. 

Dor- But the Poets danm*d your Songs, diHthey? 

Spark. Damn the Poets $ tijey have tum?d tfifro into Bur^ 
lefiiue, as they call itt That Burlefc^ue is a fkcus-Ptau 
Tnck they have got, which, by the virttle niKtBius doSKm 
topfytumjey^ they mak« a wife and witty Man in the World', 
a Fool upoA'die Stage you know not how : And 'tis therefore 
. I hate 'em too, for I know not but it may be my own Cafe ; 
for they'll pot a Man into a Play for lookmg a^i^int. Thciir 
Predeceflbrs weife contented to make Ser^ng-men only ^eir 
'Stage-Fools « but thefe Roguea muft have Oentlemeo^ wiili 
« pox to ^em, nay. Knights ; and, indeed', you fliall banll^ 
lee a Fool upon die Stage, out he's a Km^t* And to tett 
jFoo the Trum, they have kept me tbc6 fix Years-from bein^ 
m Knight in earneft, for fear of being Knighted in a Flay^ 
and dubb'd a Fool* 

i)«r. Blame 'to^ sot, they muft foUihr #eijf Copy, Se A'ge« 



S5 "The Country 'Wife. 

Hare, Bat why ihou^dft thou be afraid of being in a Play, 
^Y^o expote younblf every day in the Play-HoUfes, aifd at 
Publick Places ? 

Horn, 'Ti$ but bcin|f onthe Stajre^ inllead of ftanding on 
^ Bench in the Pit. ^ 

Dor, Don'*t you ^ive Money to Painters to A-avr your like > 
And are you afraid of your Piflures at length in a Play«. 
Houfe, where all your ^4J{lref^es may fee you ? 

Spark. A pox, Painters don't draw the Small Pox or Pirn* 
jples in one's Face. Coipe, damn all your filNr Authot% 
whatever, all Books and Bookfellers, by the World f and 
all Readers, courteous or UTicourteous. 

* Hare* But who comes here, Sf>arkt/Bf 

'Enter Mr. Pinchwife, and bis W*fe in Mam's Clothes^ Alithea» 
tucy ber Maid, 

Spt^h Oh hide me : There's my Millrefs too. 

[Sparkifh bides bimfejf bebittd Harcourt. 

Hare. She fees you. 

Spark. But I wwl not fee her : *Tif time to go to JTbiU^ 
'kiUi and I inuft not fail the Drawing- Room. 

Hare* Pray firft carry me, and reconcile me to her. 

Spark. Another time : Faith, the King will have fupp'd* 

Hare.. Not with the worfe Stomach for thy Abfekices 
^hou art one of thofc Fools that think their Attendance at 
the King's meals as neceflaiy as his Phyficians, when you 
are more troublefome to him than his Doctors, or his Dogs. 

spark, Pfliaw, I know my Intereft, Sir; prithee hide me. 

/for». Your Servant, Pinchwife^ Whit, he knows us 

not -T— . . 

* Mr, Pineh. Come along. [To bis Wife ajide, 
' Mrs., Pineb. Pray, have you any Ballads } give me fix- 

peviny worth. 

Clajp. We have no Ballads. 

Mrs. Pineb. Then give roc CoviBt-GardenDwYitxyf and 

a Play or two Oh, here's Tarujp's Wiles^ and the Sligbted 

Maiden j 111 have them. 

Mr. Pineb. No: Plays are not for your ReaJing: Come 
along } will you tiifcover your felf f \^Apart to ber^ 

Ifom. Who is that pretty Youth with hipa, Sparkijb ? 

Spark% I believe his wife's Brother, becaufe he's fomething 
flke her : But I never faw her bat once. 

Horn. Extremely handfome % I have feen a Face tike it toQ^ 
l»et us follow 'em. 

\kxeuttt Mr* Pinchwift, Mrs. Pinchwife, Alithea« Lucy ^ 
Horner, X>wCi2Xk\.folUnmng tbem, « 

Haru ConCy Sparkifb, your Miftrefs (kwyou^ uA ^Miie 

Digitized by GOO^ .**fy 



the Country WifB. %f 

angry you -go not to her : 3eri4es, I wou*d fambe/iecoincU:;i) t» 
her, which none but you can do, dear .Friend. r 

: Spark* Well» thatV a better Realbn, dearFrwnd: Iwou'd 
tiot go near her now for her's or ray own fake $ but rean deilf 
yoil nothing : For «ho^ I iiave known thcp % great while, 'ne • 
ver gOy; if I do not love thee as well as.u new Acffuatntance; 

Harc^ I am obliged to you indeed, dear Friend s I wovi^d be 
well widi her, only to be well with thee Mi^ for'thefe Ties r» 
WdvestufiialKr diiiblv« all Tics to Fiiends. I wou*d be content- 
ed ihe ihou*4 en|oy you a-nights, bvt 1 w€fii*d hate you tomy^ 
feifa-^ysaslhwpehad, dMirFdend. 

Spark, And thooibalt enjoy mc a-days, dear, deal- Friend^ 
iieveriftir^ and rMlietdivovciBd from htr,foonar«ianffomtheci 
Come along—— 't 

Hare. So, wc afe hard put tot, vrhen w« make our Rival 
«nif Procurer;, but nekher flie, nor her Brother-> wou'd let 'me 
con^ near her now : When all't done, aKi^ i«thebeft Cloak 
to fteal to a Mifti-e6 under, without Sufpicion \ and v^hen ^^ 
Jiave once^ot to her as we define, we throw hiaa <MVkt other 
Cloaks. ■ '^ lAJids. 

[Exit SpaHdflH and T^xew^istfiUowing bim. 
Bf^^inf^'Mr. Fihchwife, JWr*. Pineliwife in Mori's Chthes, 

Mr* Piticb» Siften^ if you witt^not go, weiHufi ielve you-« 
' t^tfAUthei. 

.The, Fool her.Gallsmtaiiid ihe wiHtnufter tip ftfitbe^oung 
iStontet ersiof thia Aaoc^ and ^fhcy wifl) leave their dear Semj^ 
i^reflTes to follow us i Whata Swarm^f Cuckolds and Cuckold- 
Makers are here? l4/ide. 
<?ome, 'let'sbfgoire, W5ftrcfsl|for^«3^ 
' Mrs,^arr*4 Dwi'tyoaibelifevethatl^w'tlaifray Beltyfill 
^f Sights yet? . . 
. Mu FMh. Tteiwalk^is My.\ : 

Mrs. Pincb. ILord, what apowier^if bravp ^gns arc hire? 
<»y «t ^. the*:WiVH«ad^ thelHam'sOkad, and &© 5tagV 
Head, Dear -.- ^ .^ 

1 MurJ^b. HaKp;^emy^Hi]ibind'f;jpfmer'Ssg^ herie wcii 
VifiUe, dieyWou'dbeaU^tffce. *^ '^ ^ 

.Mrs; Ptntbi What d^ye^nKaa Isy that, Bud f 
.; J4x^.Pincb. 'TisnoTOatter—.T^omatteri Bud. - 
« , Mrs. Phi^b. Pray tell me % Way, I will know. 

r,^* ^^^^^- ^^ *^**'^ *** ^ ^^^> ^*^S»» *n^ VLUXM^ 
5««»- i£xeunt Mr. PinchWife, Mrs. Pirtchwife. 

S4^4kkrSf§mak^ HKrcouVt, Alithea, Lucy; atfother Ihor. 

' J¥^ Co«i^^torMwhmi,iformy(akcVouihaBbc*:cc^it* 
iC4l«d to-him.. •< / . . 

-i^tt*.. Kor your fake I bate him. 

•^^•'Tl»t^%Btthin6 too^cnitl, MaditoBi lo)^ me fdr 



. Sfitrk. Kj vnSM^ Maliam* t«b, too :cr«0b to me* to liatt 
my Friend for my faktf. . 

J^b* I hate bim becxnfe he nyonr Enem^ ^ and you oajght 
t» bate hifii too^ for making Love to me, ifron loTctne. 

Sfmrk. 7hat> a sobd.om ! Ilnrte k Man W loTtngycm t If • 
W did love yoii» 'tit hvt what he caix^ftHelfy 9 . tnd .tb iy our Fautfv 
HOC hiS| if he ikliiiiits you. I faaitea Man for be'mg 6f my Opi- 
•ion ! 1*11 ne er do*t,. by, Ae Worldv 

Mith. U it for. yoiiT Honoar, oi imnSj to fiiffer a Man t6 
«i^e Love loiali^* ivibo tia& Do marry yon to-morrow ? 

Spark* Is it for your Honom*, et mmtf to.haveme jhtfonrf 
^at hit makes- L6ve to you, is n fignyott'ore fabttdfoiAe.) .4nd 
^Ittmnfft'fnkm, isarign^oonfevktnon<>^ Thatlthink 
n for your Honour. 

<iftVA. Bwt >i$yiiurII«ioifrtoOy laaii onaoevned for. ^ 
. H^€^ Btttw^(1t!u)eftMadatt^vviUI«iaWi9ovtc0n6^m'4 
for his Honour <han he ithimftlf > luetliit Honnnf aloM, fnr 
fiy fake and his. Ke» he his no Honour «— 

Spark. Howr'ithat? 

mfc. But what my dear Friend can guard himfelf.- 
. ^pati. Oh9«— -^thtff bright again. 

Hare. Yowr Catvb of hia Honour a^jgn^ hli Ke^Ioft ftf i^ 
flriiich iano HfHBOsir tp ^y^ddiir-Fiacnd'ham 1 ' Thestibfe 4>bc« 
mkO^, let his Honour go which way It will, dear Madam. 

Spark, Ay, ay } 'Were k forihyf Bnionr'm hnonry « ^cmisin 
whole Virtue I^ fu^iea^ mtdt conid not Cftift bee* tn'^Fma^ra 

Jhmds ? . . . / • 

. ^>i&. Areyou not afraid to lofe me? 

Hare. He afraid to lofejoil, MwSsUil/Ho^ iri>— -iynn Mn^ 
SM hMr:i)ici itaoA'flifhiahM.and BiQA>glDiMb Cteafufeia^^tbt 
World is valued by him : Will you not fee it ? «> 

spark. Right, honeftlinnnl|l.lia^«karik)61e«akkibr1icr, 
^^.I cannot |9B jetklikof ^«; x: '-"w . :»•' ' ^ •'• -' 
. Jlffb. y^HmiAakilhkn-: 1ie'inci»jte'lnit(mi(tforme/%Sdr 
who has me. •--!/• J" •- 

; ^«r^4 I.<»(^yiMa^aMk,.l(&ci;yoii:areifalo«ai WiHyon^eft 
a poor Man*s Meaning from hts.WdMs f 

Alitb. YounftofKifhiniV'^r^with.'yoin'^^ntof ]Mnii(y. 

Spark* And you makomaf^y, Madaib, with your }ea- 
louly and F<ar8» und Virtjie atid Honbur :. 'Gad^ IvTee Virtue 
jnakei tf Womaa as trdulleibme'ista littk iUtiCn^nr l.ea»iiog. 

MtK Montrans I . .^'- . • ^- • . ' - • 

. Z^. Wdi,]^f«el^ltttin&Jia^b»nds4iaftWQntenfQS^ 
iit v: can tne^ imt&l ii poor.Gbgndterimafd canvev^r Awk ftich 
JLady-like Luck.' Beficfes, he's thrown away upoarhttrc SheH 
snake no ufe of her Fortune:^: her Bliffifi^, mmt fa a^Centle- 
. maor fW n^uTQ.SM^^Mi^'ipril^reQOiilP^B^ in be 



^be Conntry Wift^ j^ 

Mith. I tell you then plainly^ he purfuet mp to muiy me. 

Spark, P(haw 

Bare. Come, Madam, you fee you lirivc in vain to make hin» 
kalous of me : My dear Friend is the kindeft Creature in the 
World to me. 

Stark. Poor Fellow. 

JU^rc. But his Kiodnefs only is not enough for me, without 
your Favour, your good Opmion, dear Madam : 'Tis that 
muii perfeA my Happineis. Good Gentleman, he believes a)l 
I fay : wou'd you wau'(|l do fo^ Jealous of me ! X wou'd not 
wiong him nor you for the World. 

Spark. Look you there t Hear him, hear him, and do not 
walk away ibu lAlith^tuaiks carel^toandf/o* 

Hare, I love you. Madam, ib — 

. Spark* How*« that I May now you hegi^ to go too far 

indeed. 

Hare. So much, Iconfel^, I.iay, Hove you, thatlwou^ci 
not have you miierablt, and caft yourfelf away upon fo unwor- 
thy ai^d inconfiderable a Thing, a^ what vou fee here. 

[cubing bis Hand on bts Breajt^ points at ^parkiHi* 

^parJk, No, %hhi I believe tbi^uwou^cft not, now his Mean^ 
Ing is plain' $ but I knew before thou wou^dil not wrong me. 

Hare, No, no, Heavens fbrbid the Glory of her Sex ftiou'd 
fall fo low, as into the Embraces of fuch acomemprible Wretch, 

lE^Acm Sparkiil|. 
Mtb. Very well. ' 

. .»W*5 ^f^f mi ^^f«^ l¥^W« ^ - MWap, Toii fe^ hi 
will rather wrong hiftifelf thajt) ao^ mgtxii^himiHf ixuai ^am«i^. 

Jliitb. Do not you underftan^ him yet ? * 

^karLXi^f hpwo«>dkftly iiKpea^^ of WmJ^UvprorFelW t 
- ^/'rM?%HfV5.4»^?^HW?^ of ,ypur&lf, fince-r-^. 
berore yourfeli too ; infbmuch that i /^n no l^ger fui&r ^s 
fcumlous Abullvenefs to you, no more than l^s't^ve to me. 

Spark. Nay, nay, Madam^ pray ttajr, Uf X-wc to yc»f 
ivd, Madain, Ifas 4^ jouot fp^c yet olaia tnjwgji f 

Jljtb. Yes mdeed» I ihptt'a think lb. . 

^rk. Well then, \^y the Woild a Maircan^t ipeaip cinlly 
to a. )i^p)aaa now, but prefently liie ii^s, he makes JLove tt»> 
ber: Nay, MadaniVyou ihall ^y, witfi y^ur Pardon, fince 
you have Qpt^vet up^erHogd him^ tiU he has made an Eclkircif • 
jne^ ^ iii. tofC; «>; f6», tliat is, >«d>at Jcii^4 oT I'OVf it is t 
Anfwec ta' thy Catechifni, Friend ; do you love uxflSdiksfk 
.1*^^- • ■ . - . • , 

JGbir£» Y^ I yf^-^ W^'^ not doubt it^ 

.'• ... ' ' ^*' Digitized by C^OOg ^^^k^ 



40 The Country Wife. 

Spttri. Bbt how do you love her ? 

Hare. With all my Soul. 

Jlith. I thank him, meihinks he ipeaks plaiit enoagh now^ . 

Spart^, YxmzTtoMtBlH. [TdAlithcai- 

But with what kind of Love, Harcourt ? 

Marc. With the bcft, and the.trueft Love in the World. 

Sparki Book you there then» that is with no Matrimonial 
Love, Vm Aire. 

Ailtb\. How's that? do yotrfay Matrimonial Hove irnot belli 

Spark\ *Gad, I went too far ere I#wa8 aware : Fut fpeak 
for thyfelf^ Harcourt^ you faid you wou*d not wrong me^ nor 
her. 

H^re* No, no, Madam e'en take hiqa for Heaven's lake^ 

Spark, Leok vou there. Madam, 

Wire. Who wou'd in all Juftice be yours, he that loves you 
noil. {Claps bis Hand on bisBreafl\ 

Mib. Look you there, Mp. Sparkt/b^ wh»> that > 

Spark. Who ihou'd it be T Go on,, Harcourt,. 

Hard Who loves yoU more than Women Titles, or For^ 
tune Fools. [Points at ^^zxk^ 

Spark . Look you there, he means me ftill, for be points at mcu 

Atitb. Ridiculous ^ ' ^ 

Hare. Who can oaly »ab;h your Faith, and Conftaacy iii 
Love. 

Spark. Ay. 

Hare. Who knows, if it be poffibte, how to ralae fo mucH 
Beauty and Virtue. '* 

Spark. Ay, . . 

Hare, Whofe Love can no more be equallM in Ac Worlds 
thatr that heavenly Form of yours. ' 

SAark. No- 

Hark. Who cou'd «> ntore foffer a Rival, than your Ablence^ 
artd yet cou'd no more fufpcft your ^Vistue,, tfian his own Con- 
ftancy in his Love to you* 

Spark. No*— 

Hare. Who, in iiney lovfs yea better than his Eyes, that 
firft>made htm love you. 

Spark. Ay nay. Madam, faith you ihan*t go^ till— — 

JUtb. Hate a care, left you make me ftay too long 

^ark. Bat till he has faluted you 5 that! may be affur*d yo» 
mre FViends, aftev his honcft Advice and Declaration : Come, 
pray, MadanH bsFHemfs with him. 

^atfrrMjff^Pihchwifej Mijhifi V'lnchmk. 

Mth* Yira moK pardon me, Sir^. tUat 1 an» not yet (b obedi« 
«nt to ywT. 

Mr. Pmeh. What, invitf your Wife to kifs Men f Moa« 
ibous 1 Are^oa not adamM f I will never forgive you. 

Digitized by GoOg ^/^''*»" 



4)^. Aflf y(9U n^ 94w'4r ^\ } ^,^¥'<^ ^^^ ^"^^^ ^^"^ 
ftdence in the Chaftity of your Family, than you hare ? you 
layjL jyil uafh laa^ 1 W # M^i^ of Jjt^^^^, fajra- tho* l^m- 
fruk ^^ ffc^ I I '^o* "^^''^ Sir*— -^ 
' Mr. Pinch. Vdy fiink/SIrj to ih«DS your WJfc ^th you«r 
Friends. 

^^ifr. Ue if an hunrf^ltt' n^b^ial Friend, luch as reconciles* 
the differences of the Marriage iBed ; you know^ Ma« anrf 
Wife dg nptaiways agree^ I4i£^ i^m U)r that ufe, therefore 
vouM ha?el^im-weU with my SVife. 

^Ir^ A»r^^ A menial Yriend-r -you will get a great manj^ 
merii^ Friendsy by fhewing your Wiff as jrow do.^ 

Spark. What then ? It may b? \ haye a. Pleafure in% fft I 
Jnice to il^eyr fine pk>^es at a P}ay-ho|a(e» tfie firil Day, and 
count Mogey before poor Kogties. . 

• 14^* ky^\ H^ ^M^ l^e\)rs his Wife, or M^neyr will be in 
d^in^er of havmg diem Wrow'^ foiv^etin^ 
/.fiM'vK \ l^|*e to hp ^iqr*4y *e^4 wp*^'^ notiparry a Wife,, 
that I atone coiled love } loving alone is as dull as eating alone : 
^ k r^ot a fcanfc Age ? 4n4 l-^st^ a fi;;ank Penfoa \ and to tell 
joii ^e 7<^¥^f ^ 9if^ l^» ^ loD^^ l|i^e*KivaIs in a Wife, tn^ 
mal^ tier ^v^ to a Man ftill but as a kept Miftrefs \ and ((>• 
good night, for I niuft to Wbiteball, f^da^, I Ivope you are 
sow vtcofi^Vd tp fmr^r^^s aod(o \ yfiik you a good night. 
Madam, zxii ileep it you can ; for to-moiTow you know I mu^ 
yiGt yofi eaiJy ^m ^ Canoniqd Gentleman/ Good night, dear 
Harcourt, [i?j:/t€parkifli. 

Hfirc^ Madam, I hope ypu will iot refufe nay Vii5t to-mor- 
row, if it ihou d he efvUe;? w^ » C^onic^ Gentleman, tl\aft 

.Mr^ Sparkijh's. 

. J^» Finch.' fhis Gentiewoman is yet under my Care, there- . 
fore you muft yet forbear your Efeedeqp witli her. Sir. 

[Gu9^ ^^"w^^ Alill^a m^ Harcoiirt*. 

tiarc. Muft, Sir. 
: Mr. Pincb.^ Yes,. Sir, jjie is tny . Sifter. 
' Marc. 'Tis ^li i^e is, Si^ — •- for I muft be her Servant^. 
Sir. Madam » 

Mr* Pinch. Come awj^ Sifter, we had been gone If it Bad 
not been ii)r y|ou,, and (f avoided theie Vud R^-hellv V^^' 
iieem to ha49t ujb.^ . . - 

Bft^er Uonnur 'DofHaathtbem^ 
\ Born. lA^mn^yf \ Piachnj^cf^ 

Mr. PiWift* Your Servant.. , .\ . .. 

. Hoptf Whaf \ ief;a littie tiij^e in the Covntry mak es a' fi^aii( 
turn wild and unfociable, and only fit to convert witkhis Hosw 
fcs. Dogs, and his verds. 

Mrt SiofhAt h^ve Builne&V Sir^ ipi mft ifiihd it : yous 

"D \ *' Digitize'db'yCjOOgBttMUeA* 



42 TBe Country Wlfii 

Bufiftefi IS Preafiite^ therefore you and' I' nnift g9 ^Bfferen' 
AVavF. 

Hom. WeU» ywi nity ga on, hut tiiif pretty yottn|^^ent1e^ 
man — {Jak$s bouiofMn. Pinchwifei 

/forf i The L«dy— - 

Dor, And the Maid — r 

Ihrn^ ShaU ftay wtthnis^-fbr I<fuppofe tHeir Bbdoeis it the 
ikme with ours, Pleafure-. 

Mr. Piacb, ^Sdeath; he knows her, fhe carries it Co ^Uily>. 
vet if he does not,;. I ihou-d be more fiHy to diicoTer it firft. 

. AUtb. Prar, let os ]go,> Sir; 

: Mr. Bihco. Come, come—— ^ 

• Howr. Had you notrather ftay widi us ? [7% Mh. PiiichwHifi^ 
Pricbee Pincbwife, who is this prcttyyoung Gentleman ? 

Mr. Pined; Oht to whom I\nn Guardian. I wHh I cou*d 
keep her out of your Hands— {Afidi* 

mm*. Who is he ^^^neTer'faw anything*lb 'pretty in all mj 

Mr. HvriT;. PMw, do not 'look upon "him fo much, he^s a 
yoor bafhful Yomh,' you^il put him out of countenanee. Come 
awav, BJrother. ^^errio takt btr awof^ 

Horn. O, your Brother*! '• 

Blr. Pmcb, Yes, my Wife's 'Bitrther^rXdme, come, flic'H 
ftay Supper for us. 

fhm^ I thought* fo, for He is very^Kke her l^fawyoaat th*- 
Pky with', whom I told you I was in love with. 

Mrs. Pincb. OJcminy! is that hethatwas'inlovewithrroe, 
I am |;lad on't I vow/ for he*S a^curious fine Gendeman, and X • 
love him already too.- lAfide- • 

Is this he. Bud ?' [To Mr. Pmchwife. 

Mr. Pincb. Comeawavj comeawayr ^^olnslVifr. 

•'* flwTT,' Why, what hafte arc you m > why won't youlet me 
talk with him } 

Mr*, Pift^b. Becaufeyoull debauch him, he's yet young and ^ 
innocent,- and' I won'd not have him debauched for any thing i;i 
the Wcrld. 

How {he gazes on HTm ! ' ^eDevtl- — [Jfiie* 

" Horn. -Hatrcottrtf Dorilant^look yon Here, this is the Like- 
nefs of that Dowd^ he told us of, his Wife, did ^ ever fee m 
lovelier Creature ^ The- Rogue has reafon^tol^eiealous of his 
Wife, fmce (he is like him, fbrihe wonVl raakit tlf£hatffieher» 
in love with her. \ 

Hare, And as I remember ftow^i ikt^t as like him here m - 
can be. 

Dor, She is indeed very pretty, if (he be like him.- 

Horn, Very pixtty, a very pretty Ceaunendatio»«*^:ihe^ a 

fl^noua- 



^hi OmntryfWip. 45 



flbrlotis Creature, betudiiil beyond all diings I embtMil. 

Mr. Pmcb. So, fo. 

Harc^ More beaiMilii} Alan a Poet^firft Miftveft of Imagin|» 
tron. 

Horn. Or another Man's laft Miftrefs of Flefii and Blood.. 

Mrsv Pinch^ Nay, no^ you jetr,- Sir ; pray don*t jeer me— 

Mr. BtMcb* Come, comer (ByHeavtBt, we'll difcover heii* 
Iblf.) iJtJuU- 

Horn, IfpeakofyonrSifter, Sir. 

Mr. Pmcb. Ay, but faying (he was handfome, if like him, 
ffude him blufli.. (I am noon a Wrack - [Afide* 

Horn, Methinks he is io tiandfome, he ihou'd' not be a Mail» 

Mr. Pincb, O there 'tis out, he has difcovered her,>I ain n4t 
-ftblr to^fiiffe» any longer. (Come, come away, J fay— — 

[TobitlTrfe.. 

Horn. Ns^, by your ka«e, Sir, he ihall not go yet— -^'^ Air* 
raiir/, DoriUmt^ let us torment this, jealous Rogue a little. i 

iTo tbm, . 

Horn. -YVL fliew youx * 

Mr. Pincb. Come, ppy let him go> I cannot flay fooling, 
any longer ; I tell you his Sifter ftavs Supper for us. - 

Hem. Do's ihe ? come then, we'll all go fup with her and^hee*^- 
' Miiir Pwcb. No, now I think on't, -having ftaid Q> long •. fov - 
us, I warrant (he's gone tombed— " 

(I wiih (he and I were well out of their Hands—— [Afid^ 
Come,, I muft rife'«arly to-morrow) come^ 

Horn. Well then, it fiie be gone to bed, I wiflv her and your, 
a good ni^hr. But pray » yeung Gentleman^ prefeaimy ham^ 
ble Service to her. ■ . j 

Mrs^- -Pincb. Thank -you. heartHy,' Sir. 

Mr. JPincbiX^ '^death,^ ihe will diicoi^r herfelf^yatTa Mtk of 
me. (jfid^ 

He is fomething mote civil to-yon, for yoor Kmdnefiito bi»Sif- 
tcr, than I am, it feems. • I 

fiom. Tell her, dear fweet -ilittle.\Gentleman, for all ymr 
Brother there, that you have rcviv'd theX6ve I had for her at 
firfl^fiiglit in the Play-hottfe. 

Mrs. j*mcb. But did you love her indced^^ dbdindised f '<\ 

Mr. Pmeh Soi fo. I4fide* 

Away, I &y. . » . 

Horn. Nay ftay ; yes indeed, and indeed, 'pny do you tel 
Ittr fo, iand nve har tiiia Ki&<iiom me^ , [Ktgkt ber. 

Mr. Pincb. O Heavens! wfaatdo I fijffer 1 nov*tistooplaptt 
koknowa her, and yetr — [AfiJe. 

Horn. Ajk^Htik, aad thii^— ^ - ' [Kifes btr^agmin^ 



'44 ni (kmiry Jififi. 

Mr. Pincb. So there 'tl» out. . i^di*- 

Horn. Niy, they ihall fend your ]Lady a Kifs too ; Jbenir 
Harfouit^ £>aritej|^)W»Uytt«t<pt ^ ' , ... .£?%0{ hifi^er. 

> Mr. jUyciu:J^iow t dp Ifvifvll^is ^ WMlnpt«cQu(»»gav)o- 
4bcr pift AOwr» ftr ibb csfei^ PaM«9 in peonittitng.hi^ VVife 
.ttt ^ ki(sM before his Face ? l*en thoufand Ulcers gnaw aw^ 
their Lips. . -.-tyfiWr.. 

. jM?r»- Good nigh.ty dear Iktk ^leiilietian ^ MadMll> ^Ewt' 
,111^, €i2rtweVi^0rri^i/ir« 
}iDid&p<ilettyouIvoa.'d'iaybhis;)ealqNBsQaU:>) . . 

[£jirf»irf Horner, Harcourt, /i«</Dorilant,. 
- A^. SvKb. So, thayii^.gimQRtUft{ (fc9|(> kt tneiit^iirft. 
if the CoadiJbe at this Bo^r. ' ,[iS«ir 

JU^or. What, not gone yet ? Will you be Aire to do as I de- 
fined you » {WeetSir? [Homer, Harcourt, TlQn\zf\X return^ 

Mrs. Pincb, Sweet Sir, but what will you give me tb«ii ? 

Horn, Any thing, come away into tbo nexc Waik* 
r tftijfiVHorrief, bal^i^ 0voa^Mr$* Pindw 

Alitb, Hold, hokit,r--vyhiyt d'ye d©^? 

hmj. ftay, ftajt, h<>ld— 
. liftrc^ Hold* MAdain*: l^dd* kfc him pteient him* he'U come 
preiently ^ nay, I will never let you gp» tiU you anlvvcr jDf 
iQ^^n. 

jLucy. For God's £d(je9 ^, I muft {bU«wr *en)» 

fAwh. .Li&cy, flnuggli^ <witb HainQurt and Idorilant. 
' mn-lio^ I h^usi 6iBoMLi^.i» iff:^&aii you with tao^ yQ» 
flian't follow them » 

9ivif^m£e returns^ 
7' Mf. Phbt^* %yE«i-<-.*f?lhdnr-.-*^l^'«teoniftaf.^n*.«gDnr 
<f— wfiither ? 

> Lncjf. Vb\.dafy gMse ivi^ tht G«i>tkmeii» 1h4io wiUigivr 
kim fonoethUig, an't pleafe your Worihip. 

. Ml% Pinch. 6iHnci3bidg^--gWe him fenvvthtng,. witli a Fos 
)wi«whejre iupe tbqr ^ 

if/iV^. In the next Walk only, BMhttr*. 

Mr:. JSbtdf^ iMr^^ bttl^i^i wJUrt»,;vdwre K 
.'} IJfxit Pinehwife, and returns frefentlj^r (to goiJ^wt^afftin*. 

Hare. Wbat> the matter witlkhim T why fo mnchlc^npcaai'd^ 

ftMtdeareft.i^te^i^^:.;:^'!/ ,' .';{ . • 

jiUti^. J^nty let me go^ fSitk ^ hareJUd^ Bfi4iatier'd tnoii|^* 
«|rfa»d)r. ./v.e:: * ,/j }/.>.■-.' 

. vH^It. Thenyott will not look upon, nor pity my Suifoings/' 
. JHitk.^-^IigtJi^L upon 'em> Aribcn i. cvMKA.Wp >oi» Here 
. .' . Cruelty > 



^be Country fVifi. 4$ 

CrtRltyy not Pky $ therefore I will never iee you more. 

Hare. Let mc th<n^ Madam> have my Pl-ivilcge of a bav ^ 
«4ih*cl Lover, complaiiiing or failingy and giving ycm but a 
farewel Reafon ) why, if you cannot condefcend to masryme^ 
you fliou'd not take that Wretch, my Rival. . 

Alhh. He only, not you, fince my Honour is engaged iofar 
(o him, can ghre me a Kcafba, why I Ihou'd not marty him { 
but if he be true, and what I think him to me, I mnft be fa to 
him 5 your Servant, Sir. 

Hare. Have Women only Conftaacy when *tia a Vke, and 
are, like Fortune, only true to Foofe ? 

Dor, Thou (ha*t not ftir, thourebuft Creature, you fee I can 
ekal with you, therefore you (hou^dftay therathei:,.and be kind. 
tT« Lucyr *wifJlrMggUs to get from him* 
ifufrr Pmchwife. 

Mr. PineB, Gone, |;one, not to be found i quite, goaey ttft 
Aou&nd Plagues go with *em } which way went they ? 

AHelK But into t*otBer Walk, Brother. 

Luey, Their Bufinefs virill be done prefently fure, an't pleaft 
your Woribip, irean*t be^ long in doittg I*m fore oB*t. 

• AUtB, Are they not there f 

Mr. Pineb. No, you knovi^ wbero they are, you mfamott 
Wretch, eternal Shame of your Family, which you do not 
^diAumour enou^ yourielf^ youihink^ h«t yoa mttft.hel{i her 
to do it too, thou LegioRof mnd^^ ^ 

Mitb. Good Brother. 

Mr. Pimch. Damned, damn'd'Siiher^ 

if^^. 'Lbok you here s ihe^s coming^ 

• Snter l/Bfirtf$ Pinchwife m Maitt Ootbi/9 nmmtig mntbBtf 

Hat tmder her Arm^fiia^ Oroides and drfdfrmtt Homer 



Mn. Pmeb, O dear Bud, look you here what I have got, fee* 

Mr. PuieB* And what I have got here too, which you can*t 
-lite. '.'-:< [AfiderMk^bisForebltad, 

Mrs. Fkfeh. The ^t Gentleman has given me better things 
Jtt. ^. 

Mr. Pincb^ Ha$ he fo f (Out of Breath and coloured— -I 
nuft hold yet.) ' 

Ihm. I lyave only given your little Brother an Orange, Sir. 

Mr. Pineb, Thank you. Sir. [T0 Homer* 

You have only f<|Qeez*d my Oranee* I iuppofe, and given it 
me again \ yet T muftha,ve> City-Fati^ce. [Afide* 

Come, come away — -"' X!^o bis Wife. 

Mrs. Pineh* Stay, till I have put up my fine mings, Bud* 
Enter Sir Jafper Fidget. 

Sir Jafi, O Matter Homer , come, come, the Ladies ftay 
for you ; your Mifttefij my WUe> wonders you make not mora 

ftftAC tA hn» Digitized by VjOOQHDrft* 



4^ r^ Qm»tTyi mfi. 

, JBkrfh, I hiBie MA tfv9 baiif hour <bR yo|i hm, - and :ti» yoili 
F«uk I ai)» not npw wi^ yiQvm? Wife^ 
' Sir 715^,. Butpmy.9 itoiit iet. her knpw fo niu/th 5 thetnidi 
pa't n» iMCAsaduanciog ft Qftft^i^pp^je^to his Maiefty> abwi: 

ril tell you. . 

-. lArtf, Kolet'aigQi andbisar it atyoiif Hopfe s GoodI night, 
fwcet Httb Gentleio^ 3 one Kiijs moce» y<Qu;U remember me 
Aowr- 1 hope. ^ [i^i^j i&«\ 

/)ar. What, Sir Jajper, will you iep»rate Friends 2 he pro- 
mit'd tofup with U8» tnd if you tdke hwi ti^yoor Houi«, you'll 
be in danger of our Coim>«(ny too* 

6ir JU;^. Alas, Oentlei«^, my Hovfe 19 n^ fit for you, 
AtitTt are none hut civil Wom^ there, >94mA are aol fior your 
.Tm i he you know can hear wi4x the jSociety of civil Women 

now, ha, ha, haj hei)ides> hc'soi^pfn^y Family— —he's, 

*B, ^, he. . 

Dor, rWhatM he} , 

Sir^tf/^. Faith my B»»«ch,.flil««yw'll have it} he^he, he* 
>[£af.» ^> jifper Fidget, atfd Homer* 

Dor. J rather .v^iihriiotiiyeit hi«»; or ivy Ciwkg4d : Barceurf^ 
what a ^ood Cuckold Is loft theif, for w#»t of a Man te make 
Jmn one > the^ and I isa^iMM haye..^ni«r*s Privilege,, who can 
Jinake u& of it. ;. i . • * . i.i 

.:ii4»5d...Ay,jti^ |»dr,|||«r»f^,^/tif tUfcf -«^ 
tjhreefcore, whenaMancm:fcJbftWilp»N«i:f<V*i^ v ' . i 

Mr. PmcA. Come. .■."> 

Mrs. Pwr*. Preieq^iiP^^ . ; , ^ • . ' ' 

2>9r . Come, let us gotfMi r Mudffini yymr S^ingMr [% Alith* 
^obAaight* teappov— £f<)L«cjr. 

i&i-r, 'Madam> ttwvgh jo^ w\UuQ^^jActei^a«f«Kid1Hy, 
or Night, I wiih you one ; but dare not name tfae.^mr hiV of 
4Dy>Wifti-. .-:■.-: ;••.'."''' 
r- jtfli^ Goad nif^H Sfr* for.^Q. .(.'•.•' 
. .Mra. /?k^« Ifloii'tMovir where to put this here, dear Bill* 
jpaflatttatit} n^r iim-Mk^%^^i^ tht^^ite.l^Mtle- 
man's good Things, or Treat, as you call it, when we CM^ 
Jkenie. • : *. " ."'.'':' 

Mr. Pinch* Indeed, I deferve it, finc» I ft^aii^V ihf . lift 

■' ' i .* 

Ifl&e OaHmMf'Prefdsfrefi^ri andi^vti i^Balt:^ 



dbyGoogIe«* 



fhe Cmntry m^ 4.7 

A-c T iv-:s c E N te r. \^ 

. £i Pinchiivife's' a^yff^ in the Mmmg.^ 

&t^k ^T r El^L-— Maa^m iioior have I dktiPdfOdfmoii 

«ip(MiyoiiOun£<e&o(f'Efl^ce, and f tthnlMo } stidaUtfii* Torino 

ftinking fecond-hand Gnve^^ti^Pc^i br4A4^ I Aiflk MdMv 

4]^tfritiS'8 Bed. •* ' ' i^ ' ^ •• •' ' «' • i 

«f«a«rd Miti(h pcAir M^OiMr ;Ha«rta»»^ for; «v«r ftt»f» yUne SiM% 

lu>w coqH) vott lite <b )kaifd4ifcaMl ? 

if/i//^. *Twa8 becaufe I was not luD^ll«airtedw 
Luc^, No. no i *tv<rsfis itisik ho4t and Khidntih t wuraat* 
^ il/)t/i&. It was i^s liWduUiM »iMv lid woiti iMttJii* I few 

- -iiki». Y<0U'dd Hot ottderftipildwel ^ * ' "';".'*'. 

Lucy, I wiih you may joorM.- i . i • - ; > 

•'ittltb. Iwasen^gMtdiiysriEy, ylrai(^#,»MbtKt^Mto>wi^ 

/4l£;^ Ga!ntterebtii;^«*m'Chtati!irWvi«i|;doiifcf6al4 
flum t6 ^yft Mm yMfr P«iff6dy >f^ie4)#ut yMr lfea#t } I ihoo-d 
fliftlibftCMiicitiieeof it. ' ^• 
MPk rtlmrU^eitlbr^h^ ttft^-IiititiiiarrMBawlilItf^ /t 
liATf . The ^^fi^mtm ^fhaffiKirriterfMi 1^ imiir, >«vill i»'it 
llta<3h ilMMi^i tf8;the>W0ftcfatfr^rinisrl(SMU%bh«»l»»; Noft 
Aladkmy fliutyiiigriio ^nttfeai^ LoW^ ^ )ik»-^ilkinr to ^^ooM 
rich : alas, yoii only lofe what^Mlt^'Stod^ym b^£bbit>l«w ' 

Lu^. Only hy^is Merit, that has bribed yourHeartyod. At 
againft your Word and rigid Honour } butwh«€ a DeviHMts 
Honour ? ^tis fclre a Diieafe in the Head, Ivke die ^fsgiikh or 
^allhMlg-^ckMfti tlttfalMsi^ hiifvk«t9^p|e<«UirqMoaoididiii. 
Hflv^apfStfifchief > Jrfeil Mtf tlfWi<>Lpm bt^ it r'1Arbiiieit,;^faatf» 
dearer to >ni,thintI^yM!^thejLiii|(«f'l,Ui/-' -fc • 

^/i/^. Come, pray talk younomorKd^KobcMr, dorMhfter 
(«W«rr? •rwWh:ihte«»th«r««^o«ird^Mrfne ^li iiwiiBt 4iylPid<ftity 
t^him> tMKi^his'Rtght hi me*' . • , • / 

Xafy. Ve« Will maity hha>thtti ? 1 

*will 



48 ^e Country WifL 

will my Hand too» to make it good, when he ^omcH 

Lmy. Well,' I wi/h I may never flick Pinmore> if he be not 
an errant Natural, to t'other Ene Gentleman* 

jOitb. I own he wants ihe Wit xi£ Har^ourt, which t will diC* 
penfe'V^i&al, for another Want he has, which is Want «fjea«> 
loufy, which Men of Wit feldom want. 

Zjk^. Lord, Madam, what ihouM vo« do with a Fool to 
Jronr Hutond i you intend to be honeft, don't you ? then thit 
nuibandly Virtue Credulity, is thrown away upon you« 
. Mth^ He only that cQ»'d fiifpej^ my virtiie» foou'd lav« 
Caofe^^^iti ^m^Sfarii/bs Confidence in. my Truth, that 
•bikgei die 10 btib faithful to Jum* 

Imcj, You are not fure his Opinion may lafl, \ 

Mttb, I am iatisfy'd, 'tis impofTible for him to he jealc^is, af- 
tBr.<thef^oof«'i btvehndof him : ; Jealou^ in aHu(band» Hea* 
IFCA^defend hm from it ; . it l>egett a thoumnd Plagues to a foov 
Woman, the Lofs of her Honour, herQjiiet^ and her— • 

Lucyi, And bfevPleafttrek 

. JUib^ What d'ye mean. Impertinent? 
t <iU;p^v libe^ is a greatiPWure, Madanv* 

AUtb, I iay Lofs ot her Honour, hei* Quiet, nay, her Lift 
Ibmetimcs $ and wluit>.as^d«dmofl^ theXofs of this Town, 
that 14, <he is ient into the Country, wl^ch is ^ laft iU ^iige 
wf a Huiband to a Wife, I think* . . . ; 

f £0f^.rQ,: does the Wind lie there? /, [Afi^* 

Then of neceipity. Madam, you think a Man muft cviy hit 
Wife into the Coui^try, if he be wiie j the Country is as terri- 
blc^, I find/ to ouryoun|^ fii^^ Ladies^ as a Monaftery to thoUp 
abroad ; and on my Virginity, I think, they wou'd rather mar* 

2a.X.««/^'Gaekr, than a HigA Sheriff' ot a County, fmce Aei- 
er can ftir from lue l^mployment \ formerly Women of Wit 
married Fo<4f^ for a grcatEftate, a fine Sea^ or the. like \ but 
iiow> 'tis for a pretty Seat,, only m Unc^hu^bm^F'tfild^i S^ 
JamtWBelds, pt the. P4ii^M4U' ; : 

V Mnfgr U tbm $if^\sa^i-wid.nuc4»xst dt^fi'dJiha PfifM* 

Spark. Madam, your humble Scrrant, a happy Day toyoi^i 
•ndiotti att. 
; Hare. Amen— — 
r Aliib. Wh* have we here ? 

. 1 ^frnrk. My Ch»b|*iAfakh-f-0 Madam* poor K(irr««r/ tf- 
tnembers iMt homl^Ie Service to yoM i and» b: obedience to your 
laft Commands, refmins^Gom«ngintayojur %Ht... 
t?f.ili^.;Isiiot^uithe?. ..V 

^pafi* ^<h fici «P } hut^ to Aew that he ne'er intended m 
lunder oiir Match> has fent his Brother hereto join our Hands ji 
when I get me a Wife, I muft get her a ChM>lain, according 
Boihifi CcOlom^ tfaii.b ht^ Bsotber, and my Chaplain. 



^tht Country Wife^ '49 

Mth. His Brother t 

Ijucy. And your Ckaplaui, to preach in your Pulpit then— '- 

JUth. His Brother! 

Sf€^k. Nay, I knev7 you wouM not believe it : I told you. 
Sir, flit wouMtaJce you for your Brother ^fl«^. 

Mtb. Believe it* 

Lucy. His Brother! hah» ha, he | he has a Trick left AiU, 
it fcems — r. [Afid$. 

Spark, Cone, my deareft, pray let U3 go to Church before 
the Canonical Hour is paft. 

Alitb, Toy (hame, you are abusM dill. 

Spark, By the World, 'tis ftrange now you arc (b iacre- 
Idulous. 

Alith, 'Tis ftrange you are fo credulous. "^ 

Spark* Deareil of my Life, hear me s I tell you this is Ned 
Jiarcourt of Cambrtiige, by the World $ you fee he has a fneak- 
ing College Look. 'Tis true, he's fbmething like his Brother 
Frank $ and they differ from each other no more than in their 
Age, for they were Twins. 

Lucy. Hah, ha, he. 

Alttb. Yonr Servant, Sir j I cannot be (b deceived, tho' yqji 
^re : But come, let's bear, how do you know what you affirpi 
Co confidently f 

Spark. Why, I'll tell you all : Frank Harcourt coming to 

^ me this Morning to wifh me Joy, and prcfcnt his Service to you, 

T aflcM him, if he cou*d hdp nae to a Parfoa. Whereupon he 

^old me, he had a Brother in Tow^ who was in Orders ; and 

Ia went ftraight away, and lent him, you fee thers, to me. 

Mftb, Yes, Frank goes and puts on a black Coat, then tells 
* you he is Ned ; that's ^1 you have for't. 

Spark, Pihaw, pfliaw 5 I tell you, by the fame Token, the 
Midwife put her Garter ^hovX Frank^Biieck^ to know 'cm afu»» 
' der, they were fo like. 

Mtb, Frank tells you this too ? 

Jfpark, Ay, and md there too i Nay, they are both in a Story. 
Aiiib^ So, foj very foolish. 

Spark, Lord, ifyouwdn't "believe one, you had bcft try him 
by your Chamber-naatd diere ; for Chamber-maids mud needs 
know Chaplains from other Men, they arc fo us'd to 'cm. 

Luey. Let's fee : Nay, I'll be fworn he has the Canonical 
' fimirk, and the filthy clammy Palm of a Chaplain. 

Jlrtb, Well, moft reverend Do£lor, prayjetusmakeanend 
^rf.ttlI8 Fooling. 

Harcs Wim all xny Soul^ divine hoavealy Creature, whea 
you pleafe. 
Mb. He fpeaks like ar Chaplain Indeed. 

JS Digitized by CjOOg ^^ri« 



:So Tie Country Wife. 

Spark, Why, was there not Soul, Divine, HeavcBly^ in 
what hefaid ? 

Alitb,^ Once more, moft impertinent felack Coat, ccafe your 
Periecution, and let us have a Conclufion of this ridiculous 
Love. 

Hare. I had forgot, I muft fult my Stilc to my Coat, or I 
wear it in vain. 

Alitb, I have no more Patience left, let us make once an End 
of this troublefbme Love, I fay. 

Hare. So be it, Seraphick Lady, when your Honour fliall 
think it meet and convenient fo to do. 

Spark. *Gad I'm furc none but a Chaplain cou'd fpeak fo, I 
think, 

Alii%. Let me tell you. Sir, this dull Trick will not ferve 
your Tuni 5 tho' you delay our Marriage, you (hall not hin- 
. dcr it. 

Hare, Far be it from me, Munificent Patronefs, to delay your 
Marriage, I dcfire nothing more than to marry you prefently, 
which 1 might do, if you youri'cif wou'd 5 for my noble, good- 
nature, and thrice generous Patron here wouM not hinder it. 
Spark. No, poor Man, not I faith. 
Hare. And now. Madam, let me tcllyou plainly, nobody 
^elfc (hall marry you, by Heavens, Flldiefirlt, forrmfurel 
ihou'd die after it. 

Lucy, How his Love has made him forget his Funftion, as I 
have fecn it in real Parfons. 

Alith. That was Ipoken like a Chaplain too, now you under- 
ftandhfm, I hope. 

Spark, Poor Man, he takes it heinoufly to be refused 5 I can't 
blame him, 'tis putting an Indignity upon him, not to be fuf« 
fer'd J but youMl pardon me. Madam, it (han*t be, he fliaU 
marry us, come away, pray Madam.* 
Lucy, Hah, ha, he, more ado ! 'tis late^ 
Alith, Invincible Stupidity, I tell you he wou'd marry me, 
as your Rival, not as your Chaplain^i 

Spark, Come, coipc, Madam. [Fulling her amjay. 

Lucy, I pray, Madam, do not refufe this Keverend Divine the 
Honour and Satisfa^ion of marrying you \ for I dare fay, he 
bas fet his Heart upon*t, good Potior. 

Alith, What can you hope, or dcfign try this ? 
Hare» I cou'd anfwer her, a Reprieve, for a Day only, often 
revokes a hafty Doom. At worft, if (be will not takcMcrcy 
on me, and let me marry her, I have at lead the Lover's fe- 
condPleafure, hindering my Rival's Enjoyment, tho' but for a 
Time. 

Spark, Come, Madam, 'tis e'en twelve a Clock and my Mo- 
ther charg'd me never to be married out of tht Canonical Hours \ 
come-, come, Lordhere'iAichadealofModeily, I warrant the 
fiiilDay. liucyn 



"The Country Wtfe. 5 x 

iMtf^ Ve«> an't^eafoyoxjrWorlhfp, married Women ihcw 
ill their Modefty the Itrlt Pay, becaufe married Men ihcw all 
their Love the lirft Day. 

iBxmn Sparki(h» Alithca, Harctrart) and Lucy. 
Tbi Scent cbmgeS'te a Be«t-thamher^ *wbert apptur Pin<hwif« 
• undMrs> Pinchwife* 

Mr. Pinch. Come, tell me 1 fay. 

Mrs. Piecb, Lord, lian't I loW it an hundred Time* t)ver T 

Mr. Pinch. I wou'd try if, in the Repetition of the ungrate- 
ful Talc, I cou'd find her altering it in the leaft Circumltance, 
for if her Story be falfe, flieisfotoo* ^nk* 

Come, how was*tj Baggage t, 

Mr«. Pinth. I-ord, >vhat Pkafurc ytm take to hear it fare ! 

Mr« Pinch', No, you take more tn telling it I find ) but fpeakf 
bow wa8*t I 

Mrs. pMtftk He carried me up into the HouTe next to tt.« 
E^tchamge^ 

Mr. Phuhx So, and you Two were only m the Room* 

Mf«. Piiuk Yea, for he Cent away a Yooth that wae Uitre» 
tfft kftM dried Fruit, and China Orangei* 
. Mx*PkrK Did ht lb } Damn himlbr it— '•and fos*—* 
; lAHi Pmch* ButpreOntly cama up tht Ckatltwwian of ^e 
SLouft. 

Mr. Pmcht O, \waaweUiKedid> butwhitdidktdowhUft 
Ae Frttit came ? 

Mrs. Pincb. He ki^'d me a hundred Timeti and told me 
lie fancied he kUs'd my fine Sifter, meaning me> you know, 
f^om he Ihid he lovM with all hit Sou), andnid me be fure to 
tell her fi), and to deiire her to be at her Window, by eleven of 
the Qock this Morning, and he wou'd walk under it at that 
Time* 

Mr. Psnfd, And he was a« good as hi; Word, very pundu- 
al I a Pox reward him for't. [4/^/^. 

Mrs. P;V^« Well, and he faid, if you were not within, he 
Vou'd come up to her, meaning me you know. Bud, ft ill. 

Mr. Pinch n So-— he knew her certainly ^ but for this Co;\- 
feffion I am obliged to her Simplicity. [4/^^* 

But wb&t, you ftood very ftill when he kifs'd you ? 

.'Mrs. Pinch. Yes, I warrant you, wou'd you ha^ had mo 
4ifcover myfelf ? 

: Mr, Pinch* But you told me be did Tome Beaftlinefs to you» 
as you call it, what was't ? 

Mrs. Finch* Why he ^ut— * 

Mr. Pinch, What? 

Mrs. Piicb^ Why he put the Tip of his Ton^e b;tv ceA 
my Lips, and fo mufl*d me— -and I Utd, Td bite it. 

Mr. Pmh* Am eternal Canker feize it, for a Dog. 

*** Digitized by GoOg ^^^^' 



5*i Tie Country Wife. 

* Mrs. Pmch, Nay, you need not be ib angry with liiiii ttli« 
tbtr* for, to iay Truth, he has the fvreeteft Breath I ever kne^* 

Mr. P^Wifr. The Devil you were fktisfied withitthcn» 

and wouM do it again. 

Mrs* Pinch. Notuniefsheihou'dforeeme. 

Mr. Pmcb. Force you Changeling, I tell yon, no Woman 
•an be forced. 

' Mrs. Pittcb* Yes, but ihe may fure^ by fuch a one is ht, for 
)ke*s a proper, goodly firong Man, ^tis hard, let me tell you^ to 
refiil htm. 

Mr. Ptncb. So, ^tisplain (he loves him, yet i^e has not Love 
enough to make her conceal it from me i but the Sight of bin* 
^iri'll mcreale her Averlion for me, and Love for him } and that 
Love inftru^l her how to deceive me, and fatisfy him, all Idiot 
as Ihe is t Love, *twas he s;ave Women firft their Craft, their 
Alt of deludins'i out of Nature^s Hands they came plain, o* 
pen, iUly, and fit for Slaves, as She and Heaven intended *em %. 
Out damned Love — Well— -I mud ftrangle that little Monfter^ 
whilft I can deal with him. 
Go fetch Pen, Ink, and Paper out of the next Room. 

Mrs. Pmb. Yes, Bud. [Exit Mrs. Pinchwife. 

Mr. Pinch^ Why ihou^d Woaien have anore Inventioii in 
Love than Men ? It can only be, becaufe they have mort.D»» 
fees, morefolidtiiigPailionst moitLvftanditfore'eftbeDct^K 

Mljlrefi Pinchwifc retwrm 
Come, Minks, fit down and write. 

Mrs. Phicb. Ay, dear, dear Bud, but I can't dot veiy weH^ 

Mr. Pinch. I wifii you cou^d not at all. 

Mrs. Pinch. But what ihouM I write for ? 

Mr. Pinch, I'll have you write a Letter to your Lover. 

Mrs. Pinch, O Lord, to th^ fine Gentleman a Letter ! 

Mr. Pinch, Yes, to the fine Gentleman. 

Mrs. Pind), Loixi, you do but jeer i fiire j^ou jeft. 

Mr. Pinch. I am not fo merry, come write as I bid you* 

Mrs. Pinch. What, doyouthmk lam a Fool ? 

Mr. Pincb^ She's afraid I wou'd not diftate any Love to him, 
thereiore (he^s unwilling \ but you had beft begin. 

Mrs. Pinch, Indeed, and indeed, but I won't, io I won*t. 

Mr. Pinch. Why ? 

Mrs. Pinib. Becaiife he^'s in Town, you may fend for him 
if you will. 

Mr. Pinch. Very well, you wou'd have hira brought to you 5 
is it come to diis ? I fay take the Pen and write, or you'll pro- 
voke me. 

Mrs. Pinch. Lord, whatd'yemakeaFoolofmefor ? Dont 
} know that Letters «re never writ, but from the Country to 

Digitized by LjOOgle 



f be Country Wife. 5j 

toniofi^ and from London into the Country ) nowhe^t in Town» 

•nd I am in Town too \ therefore I ctn*t write to him yoa 

know* 

■ Mr. Pmcb. So, I am glad it is no worfe, (he it innocent e* 

nough yet. [AJidf* 

Yes you may, when your Hulbaad bidt, write Letters to Peo-> 

pie that are in Town. 

Mrs. Pinch. O may I fo I then I*m fattsfied^ 

Mr. Pincb. Come begin Sir IDi^ateu 

Mrs. 'Pincb. Shan't I fay. Dear Sir ? Yom loiow one &y* 
always fomething more than bare Sir. . 

Mr. Pinck. Write as I bid you, or I will write Whore with 
this Penknife ift your Face. 

Mrs. Pwcbi Nay, :good Bud- -Sir — [She write/. 

Mr. Phtcb. Thotigh I fufier'd 1^ Night your nauieous, 
loath'd Kiifes and Embitices— -Write. . 

Mrs. Pinch. Nay, why (hou'd I lay fo ? You know I told 
you he had a (weet Breath. ' . , . . 

Mr. Pinch. Write. 

Mrs. Pinch. Let me but put out Ioath*d«' 

Mr. Pinch. Write, I lay. 

Mrs. Pinch. Wcllthen* iX^nV/A 

Mr. Pinch, Let's fee 'what have you writ. 
Tho I fuffer'd lall Night your Kiifes and Embraces-— 

\fI4kes the* Paper and r4adt^ 
Thou impndent Creature, where is naufeous and loath'd } 

Mrs. Pinch. I cin*t M)ide to write fuch £lthy Words. 

Mr. Pinch. Once more write as I'd have you, and qucftion 
\t not, or I will fpoil thv writing with this, I will ftab out tbole 
£yes that caufe my MiU:hief. X^^olds nftbe PenJ^nifih 

Mrs. Pinch. OLordf I will. 

Mr. Pinch. Sop— fo-— 4efsftenowl \Rea3su. 

Tho^ I fuffer^d laft Night your naufeous, loathM ICiffes and 
Embraces \ go on— *• Yet I woold not have you prefpme tliat 
you ihall ever repeat them;— -So—— {Sbt ^writes^ 

Mrs. Pinch. I have^rit it. 
. Mr. Pinch. O then— -I then conceaPd. my (elf from your 
Knowledge, to avoid your InfolencieS'*— » [She wuriteu 

Mrs. Pinch. So— — 

Mr. Pinch. The lame ReafoR now I am out of your Hands-- 

{ShewriUi. 

Mrs* Pinch So«-— • 

Mr. Pinch. Makes roe own to you my unfortunate, tho' in- 
3ioccnt Frolicki of being in Man's Clothes. X^^' nvrita. 

Mrs. Pinch. So— -* 

Mr. Pinch. That you nay for evermore ceaft to purfue^ci, 

^n^hatciaiuldcteftsyou — - i^^ fwrifes on. 

"B-S • DigitiL'dby'Goog Mrs* 



54 ^*^ C^mtry fFift. 

Mr«. Pme^, So-*— h— — IS^r. 

Mr. Fincb* What do yon figli ?• — detefts ;'OUp^-*as muck 
IS ihe loves her Huiband and her Honour. 

Mrs. Pin€h^ I vo«y Iluibaad^ he'U so'er faelieve, I Aou'd 
write fuch a Letter. 

Mr. Pift^. What, he'd «xpd^ kinder fimn. yon ^ Corner 
now your Name only. 

Mrs. Pinch* What, flian*t I fafy yourmoft fatthfiil hoinble 
Servant till Death } 

Mr. Pmci* No* tonnenting Fiend i her Stile I find wov'd 
be very foft. [4fiiit* 

Comtf wrap^ it op now, wh'ilft I go fetch Wax and a Candle ; 
and write on the back*fide, For Mr. Ibrtnr* {Exit Pindiwife* 
• Mrs. Pincb. For Mr. Hofwiw.—— So, I an glad he has told 
fne his Name \ Dear Mr. Homgr, but whv ihouM I fend thee 
ftich a Letter diat will vex thee, and make thee angry with me } 
- — well I will not fend it-— Ay, but then my Hu(band will 
kill me— —for I fee plainly, he woa^t let me love Mr. Homer 
-—but what care I for my Hu(band— -r*I won't, fo I wos*t» 
fend poor Mr. Homtr fuch a Letter-— .but then my Husband 

But oh what if I writ at bottom my Hufbaad made me 

twrlte it Ay, but then my Hufband won'd fee't— — Can one 

have no ihift ? ah, a London Woman wou'd have had a hundred 
prefently 5 ftay— -what if I ihou*d write a Letter and wrap it 
up like this, and write ^pon^t too, ay ? but then my Hufband 

wou*d ftc't 1 don't know vHiat to do- — But yet y'vads 111 

try, fo I will—— for I will not fend this Letter to poor Mr« 
'Horner^ come what will on*t. 

Dear, fweet Mr. Homer — C iSbe writes and nfiats <wksBt. 

fo my Ha(band wou*d have i ftfe batb worit, 

me fena you a bafe, rude, unmannerly Letter— —but I won^ 
-.—y^— — and wou*d have me forbid you loving me— —but I 
won't— —yo—— and wou'd have meiay to you, I hate you, pooir 
Mr. Hprw^— — but I won*ttell a. Lye for htm— — ^ib^if— — for 
Tm fure if you and I wereifi the Cqpmtry at Cards tege^r—- 
y&— I cou'd not help treading on your Toe imder the Table 
— .y0....or rubbsng Knses with you, and fiarinp^ in vour Face, 
till you faw me — *very «uv/2^— -and then lookmg dovm, aod 
bluUiing for an Hourtogcther-— -y&— —butl mnft make hafte 
before my Huiband cosnes \ aBd:Dow be has. taught me to wsite 
liCtters, you (hall have longer ones from me, who am. 

Dear, dear, poor, -dear Mr. Horner^ 
Your moft- bumble Friend and 
Servant toxonnmand tilldeath, 

Margefy Pinchtii^e^ 

Stay I wuft givefaim a. faint at bottom— •/& — -now wrap it 

«P j[uiiJiik« t^oaer-'>v^— now write, far Jiu«- Hmmrmm^^vet 

Digitized by VjOOQIC *"^ 



The Country Wift. 55 

oh na^ what (hall I do with it ? for here comes my Huiband* 

jt«i»- Piachwifc. 

Mr* Pinch. I have been detained by a Sparklih Coycomb^ 
who pretended a Vlfit to me jf I but tear 'twas to my Wife. 

What have you done ? 

Mrs. Piocb. Ay, ay, Bud> juitnow. 

Mr. Pinch, Let's fec't, what d*ye tremble for ? what, yoa 
wou'd not have it go ? 

Mrs. J^inch* Here* — No Imuft { Hf opim and reads the 
not give him that, fo I had been 1 /// Utter » 

ferved if I had ^ven him this. [Afide* 

Mr. Pinch. Come, where's the Wax and Seal ? 

Mrs. Pinch. Lord, what Ihall I do now ? Kay then I have 

it - iAfide. 

jPray let me (ee*t. Lord, you thmk me ib errand a Focd, I can- 
not fcal a Letter, I will do't, fo I will. [Snatches the LeUerfrcm 
hintf changes it for the other, feals it, and delivers it to him, 

Mr. Pwch. Nay, I believe you will learn that and oiher 
Things too, which I wou'd not have you. 

Mrs. Pinch, So, han't I done it cvrioufly T 
X think I have j there's my Letter going to Mr, Horner, fince 
he'll needs have me fend Letters to Folks. ^ [>i^» 

Mr. Pinch. *Tls very well, but I warrant, you wou*d no| 
have it go now ? 

Mrs. Pinch, Yes indeed, but I wou'd. Bud, now. 

Mr^ Pinch, Well, you are a good Girl then, come let W0 
lock you up in your Chamber, till I come back ; and be fure 
^u come not within three Strides of the Window, when I an 
gone 5 for I have a Spy in the Street. [Exit Mrs, Pinch. 

At leaft His fitibe thinks (6 : if we do C Puchwife Uds the 
not cheat Women, they'll cheat us, and c Door 

Fraud OK^ be. ju^y ofed withfecret Enemies, of which, a Wife 
is the inoft dangerous* s and he that has a handibme one tokeep, 
and a Frontier Town, tnu& pravide aeainft Treachery, rather 
than open FoBce-— Now I have fecuredall wkhin, I'll deal with 
the Foe without, with fatfe Intelligence. iHolds vp the Letter. 

L'Exi/ Finchwife. 
7hi Seme chasmes to HomerV l^wg. 
Q^k 08^ Homer. 

^juuk. Well, Sir, how Csulges the new DeiigD ?' have yoo 
not the Luck of all your Brother Projei^ocsi to deceive onlf 
yourielfatlaa? 

Horn, No, good ikmim Do£Ur, I deceive ^^ou it ieems^ 
iod others too{ for the gywc Matront and old rigid Huf- 
bands think me as unfit for Love, as they aiv y Ikittheir Wive9» 

1. ' Digitized by C . ff^i^f't 



56 Tie Country Wife. 

■ ft^ach Alrcaxly ! 

Horn. Alrcadjr, I fay ; laft Night I was drunk with half a 
^ozen of your ciyiJ Perfons, as you call *cm, an<J People of Ho- 
tiour, and fo was made free of their Society and Dreffing- 
Kooms for ever hereafter } and am already come to the Privir 
leges of deeping upon their Pallats, wanning Smocks, tying 
Shoes and Garters^ and the like, Do£lor» already, already, 
Doftor. 

S^ack. You have made Ufe of y^ur Time, Sir. 

Horn, I tell thee, I am now no more Interruption to 'cm, 
when thcv fing, or talk bawdy, than a little 'Squab French Page, 
who ipeaks no Englijh, 

S^ack, But i!o dvil Perfons and Women of Honour drink, 
and fing bawdy Songs t 

Horn, O, amongft Friends, amongft Friends ; for yoiir Bi* 
gots in Honour are juft like thofe in Religion ; they fear the 
€yeof the World, more than the Eye of Heaven j and think 
there is no Virtue, "but i^aiiihg at Vice, and no Sin, but giving 
iScandalV they rail at a poor,' little, kept Player, and keep 
themfelves fome young, modeft Pulpit Comedian to be privy to 
their Sins in their Clofets, not to tell *em of them in their Chapels* 
' '0uac\, Nay, the Truth on*t is, Priefts, amongft the Wo- 
men now, have quite got the better of us Lay-Confeffo^, Phy« 
Scians. 

Horn, And they are rather their Patients, but — 
^tfr m^ Lady Fidget, looking about ber, 
Kow wc talk of Women of Honour, here comes one, ftep be* 
hind the Screen there, and but obferve, if I have not particular 
Privileges with the Wom«?n of Reputation already, Do£lor, 
already. 

La, fidg, W«11, Homer y am not 1 u Wtrnian of Hondurl^ 
You fee I'm as good as my Word, 

■ Horn, And you (hall fce^ Madam, 111 not be behind-hand 
wth you in Honour 5 and III be as good as my Word too, iC 
y^u pleaie but to withdraw into the next Room. 

La, fidg. But firft, my dear Sir, you muft promife to have 
a care of my dear Honour. 

• Horn,' If you talk a Word more ofyour Honour, you'll make 
me incapable to wrong it 5 to talk ot Honour, in the Myftcrici 
of Love,. is like talking of H-eaven, or the Deity, in an O^ra- 
fioft of Witchcraft i }uft when you are employing the Devil, it 
makes the Charm in(ipotenh * 

La, Ffi^, Nay, fie, let ua not be fmutty j but you talk of 
Myfteries and Bewitching to me, I don't underftand you. 

Horn. I tell you, Madam, the Word MoneyinaMiftrcfs*4 
Month, at fuch a Nick of Time, is not a more diiheartenin^ 
Sound to a younger Brodier, than that of Honour to an eager 
I«ovcriikcnByfeIf« . Digitized by Goog iok 



the Country mfi. 57 

Itf. fidg. Bi]tyoac9B'tbiuiiraLadyofiDyllepat»tioi)t* 

bechaiy. 

Uonu Chaiy-^Ihavebeen chary of Jtalready, by tU Report 
I have caused of xnyielf • 

Lan Fi4g. Ay, but if you ihou'd ever let other Women know 
liiat dear Secret, it would come out ; nay you muft have a greal 
care of your Condu6l \ for my Acquaintance are {q cenibriouf 
(oh 'tis a wicked ccnforious World, Mr. Ibrmr^ I fay, anr 
£> cenforioui, and detraflmg, that perhaps they'll talk to th^ 
Prejudice of my Honour, tho* you ihou'd not \tX them know th« 
f)ear Sooet. 

. Horn. Nav, Madam, rather than they Audi pnjvdice your 
Honour, I'll pr^udice theirs $ and to ierve you, V\\ lie witll 
*em aU, make the Secret their own, and then th^'llkeep it % I 
4m a MucbuwHiVk Love, Madam« 

La, Fide* O, no Sir, not tlt^ way. 

Umm, Nay, the Devil take me, if cenforfOuaWoawnftvet^ 
be iilenc'd any other way. 

La* FIdg, A Secret is better kept, I hope, by a fingle Perfoii 
'Aan a Muititude, tbenefon pray do not truft any body eUe wilb 
if, dear, dear Mr. Horner, 

Enter Sir JuG^xTi^gBU 

6tr>^« ttowaovift 

La, mg. O my Hufi>and--provented»^«d vvhat^s «blitfft'«i 
bad, found w^^ ^y Arms abou^ another Mla%*-*that wtH ap* 
nfeac too much—^hat ihall I fay ? \^u 

Sir Jajper come hither, I am trying if Mr. Hmter were ticfef 
liih, and b^'s as tickliih as can be. 1 feveto torment tht <on« 
fofnidipd Toad % let you and I tsckle him. 

Sir Ja^* No, your Ladyihip will tickle him bettor MhoUt 
|Be, I &ppo& \ but is this your lrayin|r China ? I thought yoia 
had been at the Chsna-houie. 

Hcrttm. Chlna-hou&, that's my€ue» ImufttaVeiC. \4/^e» 
A Pox, can't you keep your impertinent Wives at home ? Some 
Men sure troubled Nvirth the Uuibapds, but \ with the Wives i 
laut I'd havQ you toknow^ finoe I ousnot be your Journey-man 
by Night, I will not be your Drudge by Day, to fquire your 
Wifeaborit, and be'your Mas of Straw, or Scstfc-ci-ow only to 
Pyes and. Jays ; that wott'd;be nibbling at your forbidden Fruit s 
I ihall be (hortly the Hackney Gestleman-Uiber of the Towii. 
Sir JaJi>* Hch, hdb^ he, poor Fellow he's in the right on't 
^ith, to fqiiin Women about for other Folks is as ungrateful 
an Employment, as to tell Money for other Folks. [Afide. 
He, he, he, ben' t angry > Wi^rwr— — 

- La, Fidg. No \is I have more reafen to he angry, who am 
left by yout to- go sU>road indecently alone ; 'or, what is moif:e 
indecent, to pin niy&lf upon iuch iU«bred People of your Ac- 
.^uaintance, as this ie. „g,,,, ,^ Google Sir 



5* The Country Wife. 

Sir y^. Nay, prithee> what has he done ? 
La^ ttdz. Nay, he ha$ done nothinfi;. 



«ir y*^. But whatd*y< take ill* if he has donfe nothing ? 

La^ Fuig. Hah, hati, hah, faitji, I can't but laugh hqwcver | 
'why, d*yethmlt the unmannerly* Toad wouM not comedown 
to me to the Coach, I was fain* to come up to fetch him, or go 
without him, which I was rclblved not to doj for he knows Chi- 
na very well, and has himfclf very; good, Jjut v(^il! not let me 
fee it, left I iKoultl beg fome ; bu,t I .'V^ill find it out, and have 
what I came for yeti [£;r/V;Lady Fidget, and locks the Docr^ 
foUowQed by Homer to the Dooi(,' 

/few. Lock the Door, Madam— [Apart to La(i^ ¥\6^y 
So, flie has got into my Charabtr, and lock'd me out \ oh xhi 
Irtpertinen^y of Woman-kind ! Well, Sir y^j^<?r, Plain^deaU 
ing is a Jewel j if ever you fuflfer your Wife to trouble me again 
here, (he /hall carry you hom«*a Pair of Horns f by my Lord 
M^yor flie rhall j tho' I cannot fumlih you myfelfi you arc furc, 
yet ril find a Way. 

/ hxtjajp. Hah, ha, he, at my firft cominff in, and finding 
ker Arms about him, tickliiig huQ itfeemii I wai h»lf jealouif 
but now I fee my Folly, [4fi^i% 

He, he, he, poor ff#r»#r. . . 

^ Horn. Nay, tho' jrou laueh now, '•twill be my Turrf^ew loii| t 
Oh "Women, lAore impertinent, more cunning, aridjnore mif- 
jhievbus th»n their Monkeya, and to me almoft as ugly*- now 
it (he throwing my things about, and rifiine all I havei but ^^ 
get in to her the back Way and fo rifle her for it— 
- Sir Jajp, Hah, ha, ha, poor angry Homer. 

Horn. Suy here a little, I'll ferrat her out to you prefentlyf 
S warrant* [ExitHorntr at f other Door* 

iSk Jafpcr talks tbro' the Door to bu W^9^ 
Jbe anfiwers from tvitbin. 

%ttja^. Wife, vay'LzAj Fidgety Wife, he is coming into 
you the back Way« 

La. Fidg. Let him come, and welcome, which Way he wilU 
' ^^ J'ifP^ B^'l^ cat<^^ y^% ^^ ^^^ y^^ roughly* and be too 
ftrong for you. 

La, Fidg. Don't you trouble yourfelf, let him if he can. 
, ^uack. [Behind] This indeed I couM not have bcliev'd from 
fiim, nor any but my own Eyes. 

Enter fdiftrefs Squeami/h. 

Squeam. Where's this Woman-hater, this Toad, this ugly, 
grcafy, dirty Sloven ? _ 

Sir^tf^. So, the Women all will have him ugly, methinks 
he is a comely Perfon ; but his Wants make his Form contemp- 
tible to *cm J and 'tis e'en as my Wife faid yeftcrday, talking 
-of him, that a^proper handfome Eunuch was as ridiculous a 
<hlng, a^ a gigantic Coward. ^^^^^^ ,,Goog ^^^"^^ 



fbe X:ountrx tFife\ S9 

Sfieam, Sir Jajper^ your Servant, where is the odietu Bcaft > 

Sir JaJ)>. He's within in his Chamber, with my Wife j ftic't 
.playinj^ the Wag with him- •• 

Squiam. Is flie fo ? and he*s a clownifli Beaft, he'll give her 
no Quarter, he'll play the Wag with her again. Jet me tell 
you J come, let's go help her— What, the Door's lock-M ? 

Sir Jajp. Ay, my Wife lock'dit— 

S^eam, Did ihe fo ? let us break it open then. 
. Sir Jajp, No, no, he'll do her no Hurt. 

Squeam.' lio-'But is there no other Way to get in to >m» 
^vhithergoes this ? I will diihurb 'em. « [^Afidt, 

[Exit Squeamiih a/ aaptber Dwr* 
■Epter Old Ladf Squeamifh. ' ' 

Old La. Squ€am. Where is this Harlotry, this impudent Bagr 
gage, this rambling Tomrigg ? O Sir Jajper^ I'm glad to tee 
you here^ di4 you not fee my wild Grandchild come in hither 
luft now I 

Sir JaJ^. Yei. 

Old La. Squeam, Ay, but where is ihe then \ where is (he ? 
Lord, Sir Jajper^ I have e'en rattled myfclf to^ieces inpurl'uit 
.of her; but can you tdl what makes /he here ? They fay below,^ 
no Woman lodges here 

Sir7«/^. No. . . ^ - 

Old La. Squeam* No— What does fhe here then ? fey, if it 
be not a Woman's Lodging, what makes ihe here ? But are 
.,you fure no Woman lodges here ? 

Sir 7^. No, nor no Man neither, this is Mr. Horner'^ 
Lodging. 

Old La. Squeam, Is it Co, are you iure ? 

Sir Jajp. Yes, Yes.' 

Old La. Squeam* So ; then there's no hurt ln*t, I hope, but 
where is he ? 

Sir JaJp. He's in the next Room with ipy Wife. 

Old La. Sqtfeamm Nay, if you truft him with your Wife, I 
inay. with my Biddy \ they fay h«^s a merry harmlefs Man now, 
.je'en as harmlefs a Man as ever came out of Italy with a good 
Voice, and is pretty, harmlefs Company for a Lady, as a Snake 
. without his Teeth, 
^Slrja/P, Ay, ay, poor Man. 

' Enter Mrs, Squeamifh. 

JSatfeam. I can't find *em— Oh, are vou here, Grandmotber* 
I fotlowM, you muft. know, my Ladj Futgft hitheri» 'tit tl^e 
prettieil Lodging, and I have been llarmg on th« prettieft Pic* 
'tures. , ». . 

' Enter Lady Fidget txntb a Piece pf China in ber Hand, and 
liomtr'/oUo*whg, > 

La* Ftdf;* And I have been toiling and moiling, for. the 
, jrettidl Ptce if China, mypcar. ogtized jGoog *^ 



^1 



6o the Cauniry Wife. 

Horn, Nay, flie has been too hard for nie» do what I cou^dfl 

Sipteam* Oh| Lord^ I^ii have feme China too, good Mr. 
Horner^ dotCt itkink to give other People China, and rac none^ 
comt in with me too. 

Horn. Upon my Honour I have none left now. 

Squiam. Nay, nay, I have known you denyyonr China htm 
fore now, but you (han*t put me off fo, come— — 

Horft, This Lady had the laft there. 

La. Fsdg* Yes indeed. Madam, to my certain Klnowledge 
lie has no waorc left. 

Sfueam. O, but it may be he may have fome you oould aot 
find. 

La. B(^. What djyc think if he had had any left, I would 
not have had it too ? for we Women of Quality never think we 
ha^^e China enough. 

' Horn. Do not take it ill, t cannot make China for you all, 
but I will have a Roll-waegon for you too, another time. 

Squiam. Thank you, dear Toad. [To'Hacntv afide* 

La. Fidg. What do you mean by that f remife ? 

HTfitm Alas, ihe has an innocent, literal Underftanding. 

[Apitrt io Lady Fidget. 

Old La. Squeam, Poor Mr. Horner^ he has enough to dto 
A pleafe you all, I fee. 

iiom. Ay, Madam, you fee how they ufe me. 

OfalLa. Squeam. Poor Gentleman, I pity you. 

Hortis I thank you. Madam, I cou'd never find Pity, but 
from fnch reverend LskKcs at you are, the young ones will ne- 
ver fpare a Man. 

Smuam. Come, come, Beafl, and go dine with us ; for we 
ihall want a Man at Ombre after Dinner. 

Horn, That's aH their Ufe of me. Madam, you fee. 

Squeam, Come, Sloven, 1*11 lead you to be fure of you. 

IPuUf bim by -the Crtmat» 

Old La. Squeafn. Alas poor M"an, how fhe tugs him rl^>f«» 
iLifs her, that*8 the Way to m«ke fuch nice Women ^uiet. 

Mam. No, Madam, that Remedy is worfe thap the Tor- 
ment ; they- know I dare fofFer any filing rather than do it. 

Old La. Squeam, Prithee kifs her, and I*U give yon ffir 
Figure in little, that you admhr'dfo laft Night; prithee do. 

Hom^ Wjcll, noriimg but ths* cou'd bribe me, I love a^ Wo- 
*iiian only in Efigie, and good Fainting as^moch as I hate them 
•-Hi ctet, f6r I cou'd addre thjc Devil well painted. 

IKifisMrs. Squeam. 

Squeam* Fob, youiikhy Toad ; nay, now Fve done Jefting* 

^d La. 5'^fi»#. Ha, ha, ha, I told you ib. 

Sipuam. Fob, a Kifs of his— — ^ 

9u- ^. Has m mat hurtl&*t^ tsaa one «f my Sp|niiers. 

Digitized by (^OOg 0<pHgm§ 



got 
thii 



The Country Wife. 6i 

Squeam, Nor no more good neither. 

^uack. I will now believe any thing he tells me. [Behind. 
Enter li^. Pinchwifc. 

La. Fidg. O Lord here's a Man, Sir yajper, myMalk, my 
Ma(k, I would not be feen here for the World. 

Sir Jajp' What ? not when I am with you. 

La. ,Fidg> No, no, my Honour — let's be gone. 

Squeam, Oh Grandmother, let us be gone, make hafte, mak« 
hafte, I know not how he may cenliire us. 

La. Fidg, Be found in the Lodging of any thing like a Man, 
away. [Efceunt Sir ]^ii^tTy La. Fid. Old La. Squeam. 

Mrs, Squeamiili. 

S^uack. What's here, another Cuckold — ^he looks like one, 
and none elfe fure hav6 any Bulinefs with him. [Behind* 

Hern. Well, what brings my dear Friend hither ? 

Mr. Pinch. Your Impertinency. 

Horn* My Impertinency — why, you Gentl^en that have 
;ot handibme Wives, think you have a Privilege of faying any 
King to your Friends, and are as brutifli as if you were our Cre- 
ditors. 

Mr. Pinch* No, Sir, I'll ne'er truft you any way. 

Horn, But why not, dear Jacky why diffide in me thou 
know'ft fo well ? 

Mr. Pinch, Bccaufe I do know you fo well. 

Horn, Han't I been always thy Friend, honeft Jack, always 
ready to ferve thee, in Love, or Battle, before thou wert mar- 
ried, and am fo dill ? 

Mr. Pinch, I believe fo, you wou'd be my Second, now 
indeed. ^ 

Horn. Well then, dear Jack^ why fo unkind, k grum, Co 
ftrange to me ; come prithee kifs me, dear Rogue, gad I was 
always, I fay, and am ftill as much thy Servant as — 

Mr. Pinch. As I am yours, Sir, What you wou'd fend a 
Kift to my Wife, is that it ? 

Horn, So there 'tis-*-a Man can't (hew his Friehdihip to a 
married Man, but prefently he talks of his Wife to you : Pri-. 
tliee let thy Wife alone, and let thee and I be all one, as we 
were wont : What, thou art as ftiy of my Kindncfs as a Lum" 
hard'fireet Alderman of a Courtier's Civility at Locket*^, 

Mr. Pinch, But you are over- kind to me, as kind as if I 
were your Cuckold already j yet I muft confefs you ouglu to 
be kind and civil to me, imce I am fo kind, fo civil to you^ 
as to bring you this, look you there, Sir [Delivers him a Letter. 

Horn. Whatis't? 

Mr. Pinch. Only a Lovc-Lettcr, Sir. 

Horn. From whom— how, this is from your Wife— hum^ 
andhum-|~ > [Keds. 

Mr. Pinch. Even from ray Wife, Sir s am Lnot wondVons 
kind and civil to you, now too ? digitized by ^oo^ 

P But 



€2 ne Country Wife. 

But you^ll not think her fo. [Ifide* 

Horn, Ha, is this a Trick of his, or her's ? [Mftde. 

Mr. Pinch. The Gentleman's furpriz'd I find \ what, you 
•xpe6^ecl a kinder Letter ? 

Horn. No faith, not I^ howcou'd I? 

Mr. Pinch* Yes, yes, I'm fiire you did ; a Man fo well made 
as you are, muft needs be difappomted, if the Women declare 
not their PaiTion at firft Sight or Opportunity. 

Horn, But* what ftou'd this mean ? Stay, the Poftfcript. 
Be fure you love me, whatibever my Huiband fays to the con- 
trary, and let him not fee this, left he fliould come home, and 
pinch me, or kitl my Squirrel. [Reads AJide., 

It fecms, he knows noj what the Letter contains. {;AJide* 

Mr. fincb^ Come, ne'er wonder at it fo much. 

Horn^ Faith, I can't help it. 

Mr. Pinch, Now, I think, I have deferv'd your IrifinJte 
Friendfiup« and Kindnefs, and have (hewM myfelf fufficiently 
an obliging kind Friend and Hu(band,* am I not fo, to bring a 
^Letter from my Wife to her Gallant ? 

Horn,. Ay the Devil take me, art thou, the moft obliging, 
kind Friend and Huiband in the World, ha, ha. 

Mr. Pittcb. Well, you may be merry. Sir, but in fliort I 
muft tell you. Sir, mv Honour will fuffer no Jefting. 

Horn. What do'ft thou mean? 

Mr. Pinch. Does the Letter want a Comment ? Then, 
knowj Sir, tho" I have been fo civil a'Hufband, as to bring you 
01 Letter from my Wife, to let you kifs and court her to my 
Face, I will not be a Cuckold, Sir, I will not. 

Horn. Thou art mad with Jealoufy, I never faw thy Wife 
ki my life* but at the Plajr veftefday, and f know not if it were 
ihe or no. I court her, kifs her ! 

Mr. Pinch. I will not be a Cuckoki, I fay, there will be 
Panger in making me a Cuckold. 

Horn. Why, wert thou not well cur'd of thy laft Clap ? 

Mr, Pinch. I wear a Sword. 

Hotyt. It (hould be taken from thee, left thou fhould'ft do thy 
ielf a'Mifchief with it; thou art mad, Man. 

iMr. Pinch. As mad as I am, and as merry as you arc, I 
muft have more Reafon from you e're we part. I fay again, tho* 
Xpu kifs'd, and courted laft Night my Wife in Man's Clothes, 
' as fhe confeflfes in her Letter. 

Horn. Ha— [AJide. 

Mr. Pinch. Both (he and I fay, you mufl not dfefign it 
' again, for you have miftaken your Wonian, as you have done 

your Man. 
^, Horn. Oh— I underftand fbmething now^ • [4^» 

■ Was that thy Wife ? Why would'ft thou not tell me 'twas fhe f 
' Faith my Freedom with her was your Faulty 'lft>t mine. 

Mr. Pinch* Faith, ib 'twas~ Digitized by GooQ...[4^« 

Horn^ 



The Country tVife. 6 j 

Ikm* Fie, Td never do^tto a Woman before her Hafkand'a 
Face, iure. 

Mr, ?incb. But I had rather you (bou'd de'ttomy Wife 
before my Face, than behii^d my Back, and that you Ihall ne- 
ver do. 

Horn* No— ^ou will hinder me * 

Mr, ?inch* If I would not hinder yon, yon fee by her Let- 
ter ib^ would. 

Horn,, Weil, I mall c'cnacquiefcc then, and be contented 
with what fhe writes, 

Mr» Pinch, I'll afTurc you 'twas voluntarily writ, I had no 
Landing, you.may believe me. 

Ham* I do believe thee, faith • 

Mr. Pinch* And believe her too, for ftie's an innocent Crea^ 
ture, has no diffembling in her, and fo fare you well, Sir. 

Horn. Pray, however, prefent nay humble Service to hfei*, and 
tell her, I will obey her Letter to a Tittle, and fulfil her De(ures» 
be what they will, or with what Difficulty foever I do't ; and 
you (hail be no more jealous of me, I warrant her, and you — 
' Mr. FineL Well then fare you well, and play with any 
Man's Honour but mine, kifs any Man's Wife but mine, and 
welcome — [Exit Mr. Pinch* 

ifera* Ha, ha, ha, Doftor, 

S^fack* It ieems he has not heard the Report of you, or does 
nutihelxeve It.. 

Horn, Ha, ha, now Doftor what think you ^ 

^^^ck. VtTij let's fee the Letter— hun>--foiw^ear—Iove you— 

[Reads the Letter. 

Horn, I wonder how flie coa'd contrive it I What fay 'ft thou 
tq't ? 'ti« an Original; 

Sluack, So are your Cuckolds too Originals r for they are. 
Hke norther common Cuckolds, and I will henceforth believe 
it^ot impo^ble for you to cuckold the Grand Seignior amidft 
his Guard* of Eunuchs, that I fay— 

Ham* And I fay for the Letter, 'tis the firft Love-Letter 
that ever was without Flames, Darts, Fates, Deftinies, Lying 
and Diflembling in't. 

Enter Spaikifh pulling in Mr. Phdchwife. 

Spark, Come back, you are a pretty Brother-in^Law, nei-* 
ther go to Church, nor to dinper with your Sifter Bride. 

Mr. Pinch, My Sifter denies her Marriage, and you fee in 
gone away from you diflatisfy'd . 

Spark, Pfliaw, upon a foolifti* Scruple, that our Parfon wa« 
not in lawful Orders, and did not fay all the Common-prayer ^ 
hm 'tis her Modefty only I believe ; but let Women be nevec 
fo modeft the firft Day, they'll befure to come tothemleives by 
Night, and I ihall have enough of her then ; in the mean time, 
Harry Horner-y you muft difl^ with me, I keep my Wadding at 
my Aunt's in the Piaxza. 

F a^ Hor^ 



64- "The Country Wife. 

Horn. Thy Wedding! what ftale Maid ha« livM to dcfpair 
of a Hufband, or what young one of a Gallant ? 

Spark. O^ yoxa Servant, Sir— thU Gentleman's Sifter thcri, 
— NoftaleMaid. 
Horn, I'm forryfoft. 

Mr. Pinch, Ho\v comes he £o concerned for her— [Afide. 

Spark, You foriy for't ? why do you know any ill by her > 

Horn, No, I know none but by thee, 'tis for ner fake, not 

yours, and another Man's fake that might have hop'd, I 

thought — 

Spark, Another Man, anodier Man, what is his Name ? 

Horn, Nay, fince 'tispaft, he (hall be namclcfs. Poor/for« 

€Ourtj I am lorry thou haft mifs.'d her-^ [Afide, 

Mr. Pinch, He fecms to be much troubled at the Match— 

lAfide. 
Spark, Prithee tell me— nay, you. flian't go. Brother. 
Mr. Pinch, I muft of neceffity, but I'll come to you X6 din-r 
ncr. [£jf// Pinchwifc. 

Spark, But Homy, what have I a Rival in my Wife alrea- 
dy ? But with all my heart, for he may be of ufe to me hereaf- 
ter : for though my Hunger is now my Sauce, and I can fall 
on heartily without, the time will come, when a Rival will be 
as good Sauce for a married Man to a Wife, as an Orange to 
VcaJ. 

Hom^ O thou damn'd Rogue, thou haft fet my Teeth on 
■ tdgewith thy Orange. 

Spark, Then let's to dinner, there I was with you again, 
'ccme. 

Horn, But who dines with thee ? 
^ Spark. My Friends and Relations, my Brother Pincbwifr, 
you lee, of your Acquaint ancc. 

Horn, And his Wife ? 
. spark. No, 'gad, he'll ne'er let her come amongft us good 
Fellows ; your ftingy Country Coxcomb keeps his Wife From 
"his Friends, as he does his little Firkin of Ale, for his own 
drinking, and a Gentleingn can't get a Smack on't, but his Ser- 
vants, when his Back is turn'd, broach it at their Pleafures, and 
duftitaway, ha, ha, ha, 'gad I am witty I think, confidering 
I was married to-day, by the World j but come-«- 

Hom,. No, I will not dine with you, unlefs you can fetch her 
too. , 

Spark. Pfliaw, what Pleafurc can'ft thou have with Women 
»ow, Harry ? 

Horn. My Eyes are not gone, I Jove a good Profpe^ yet,- 
and will not din« with you, unleifs (he does too ; go fetchner 
therefore, but do not tell her Huft}and, 'tis for my fike. 

Spark. Well, I'll go try what I can do j in the mean time 
come away to my Aunt's Lodging, 'tis in the Way to Pincb* 
'wi/e^$* 

Norn. 



Tie Country Wife: 65 

Hor^t. The poor Woman has callM for Aid, and ftretch'd 
fdrth her Hana, Potior : I cannot but help her over the Pale 
oyt of the Briars. lExeunt Sparkiih, Horner, Quack* 

Tie.&P.EK'E changes to.?imhwife,$Hou/e. 

Mrs, Pinchwife alone Uaning on ber Elbow, A Tabhy Pitt^ 
< 7/;^, and Paper, 

Mi-s. Pincb, Well ?tis e'en fo, I have got the London Difeafey 
they call Love, I am fickof my Huiband, and for my Gallant ^ 
I have heard this Dillemper callM a Fever, but methinks 'tis 
liker an Agucj, for, when I think of nw Hufband^ I tremble, 
and am in a cold Sweat, and have Inclinations to vomit, but 
when I, think of my Gallant, dear Mr. Homer, my hot Fit 
comes, and I am all in a Fever indeed, and as in other Fevers, 
my own Chamber is tedious to me, and I would fain be removed 
to his, and then methinks I fhou'd be well j ah poor Mr. Hor- 
ner y well, I cannot^ will not ftay here > therefore I"!! make air 
end of my Letter to him, which (hall be a finer Letter than my 
laft, becaufe I have ftudied it like any thin^ ; oh fick, fick ! 

ITakes toe Pen andivritesm 
Enter Mr, Pinchwife, ivbo, feeing ber ivriting, ftealsfoftly be* 

bind her, and, look'mg over ber Sboulder, fnatcbes the Pafer 
from ber, 

Mr. ?incb. What, writing more Letters ? 

Mrs. Phtcb', O Lord, Bud, why d'ye fright me fo ? 

{Sbe offers to run out : be fops ber, andreadfw 

Mr. Pincb, How's this ! nay, you ihall not ftir, Madam ? 
[Dear, deai", dear Mr. Horner — ] very well— I have taught 
you to write Letters to good purpofe — but let's fee't. 

Firit lam to beg your Pardon for my Boldnefs in writing Xa 
you, which, I'd have you to know^ I would not have done had 
not you faid firft you lov'd me fo extremely, which if you do, 
you will never fufer me to lie in the Arms of another Man, 
whom I'loath, naufeate, and deteft — (Now you can't wrhe tbefe 
filthy Words :) But what follows ? — Therefwe, I hope you. 
will fpeedily find fome Way to free me from this unfortunate 
Match, which was never, I affiire you, of my Choice, but Vtn 
afiaid 'tis already too far gone ; however, if you love me, as I 
do you, you will try what you can do ; but you muft help me 
away before to-morrow, or elfe, alas ! I fhall be for ever out 
of your reach, for I can defer no longer our— our— [What is 
to follow our — fpcak what] Our Journey into 

Y^he Letter conclude!, 
the Country t fuppofe-- Oh. Woman, damn'd Woman, and 
Love, danm'd Love, their old Tempter ; ior this is one of hi» 
Miracles, in a Moment he can make thofe blind thatcou'd fee, 
andthofe fee that were blind j thofe dumb that could fpcak, and 
thofe prattle who were dumb before 5 nay, what is more than 
all, make thofe dough-bak'd, fenflefs, indocile AninoaJs, Wo* 
F 3 men, 



66 The Country Wife. 

men, too hard for us their Politick Lords and Rulers, in a Mo- 
ment : but make an end of your Letter, and then I'll make an 
end of you thus, and all my Plagues together. 

{^Draius bis S^worJm 

Mrs. PtMcK O Lord, O Lord, you are fuch a pafilo&ate 
Man, Bud« 

S»/^Sparkifh.* 

Spark, How now ! what's here to do ? 

Mr» Pinch, This Fool here now I 

Spark. What, drawn upon your Wife ? You fliouM never 
do that, but at Night in the dark, when you can't hurt her j 
Hms is my Sifter-in-law, is it not ? Ay> faith, e'en our Coun- 
try Margery 5 [Pulls afide her Hattdiercbief,] one may know 
her : come, (he and you muft go dine with me, Dinner's ready ,. 
tome ; but wherc's my Wife, is ihe not come home yet, where 
is (he ? 

Mr. Pinch, Making you a Cuckold, 'tis that they all do, 
as foon as they can. 

Spark. What, the Wedding-day ? No, a Wife that dcfigns. 
to make a Cully of her HuArand, will befure to let him win the 
firft Stake of Love, by the World ; but come, they ftay Dinnetf 
for us, come, I'll lead down our Margery, 

Mrs. Pinch, No — Sir, go, we'll follow you.. 

Spark. I will not wag without you. 

Mr. Pinch. This Coxcomb is a fenfible Tcrmtnt to me-a^ 
midft the greateft in the World* 

Spark. Come,, come, Madam Margery* 

Mr. Pinch,. No, I'll lead her my Way 5 what wou'd yot> 
treat your Friends with mine, for want of your own Wife ? 
[Leads her to f" other Door, andkcks her inland returns, '\ I amr 
contented ray Rage (hou'd take Breath--^ . [4^- 

Spark, I told /forwr this. 

Mr. Pinch, Come now » 

spark. Lord, how (hy yon are of your Wife I butletme.telt 
.you, Brother,, we Men of Wit have amongft us a Saying, that 
Cudtolding, like the SmalWPox, comes with a' Fear j. and you. 
may keep your Wife as much as you will out of danger of In« 
ic6lion, but, if her Conftitution mcline her to't, ihe'llhaveit 
fooner or later, by the World, fay they., 

Mr. Pinch, What a thing is a Cuckold, that every Fool can 
make him ridiculous— [Afide.^ Well, Sir,— Butletme advife 
vou, now you are come to be concern'd, becauie you fufpeft th« 
t)angcr, not to negleft the Means to prevent it, efpeciaily whea 
the greateft Share of the Malady will light upon yAur own Head^ 
for— 

B<yws^e''er the ktnd infers Belly comes tafwell,^ 
The Hyj/hand hxeedsfor her 9 an4firji is ilU 

dbydOOg^ Q '^ 



The Country Wife. S7 

A C T V. S C E N E I. 

Mr, Vinchwik^ s Houfe. 

Enter Mr, Pinchwife and Mrs. PfncHwiTe. A TaBle and' 
Candle, 

IJ^r. PincBwife, 

COme» take the Pen and make an end of the Letter, juft as 
you intended y if you are falfe in a tittle, I (hall foon per-i 
ceive it, and punifh you with diis as you deferve, IL^^s bir 
Hand on bis Siuord], write what was to follow — diet's fee — [Your 
muft make hafte and help me away before- to*- mprrow,. or elfe I 
0iaU be for ever out of your reach, for I can defer no longei: 
our — ] What follows our ?— 

Mrs» Pmcb,. Muft.all out dien,. Bud ? — Look you there then • 
[Mri» Pinch, takes ibe Fenandiorites^i 

Mr. Pinch,. Lefs fee — (jFor I can defer no longer our-^ 
Wedding-^Your flighted Alitbea,} What's the meaning of 
this, my Sifter's Name to't ? /beak, unriddle^ 

Mrs. Pincb,. Yes indeed. Bud. 

Mr. Pinch, But why her Name to't ? foeak— (peak, I fay* 

Mrs^ Pincb. Ay, but you'll tell her then again : If you. 
/ wou'd not tell her a^in-^ 

Mr. Pinch,, J. will not, I am ftunn-d ^ my Head turns raond*^ 
Speak. 

Mrs. Ptnch^ Won't you telF her indeed,, and indeed ^ 

Mr. Pincb. No : fpeak, I fay.. 

Mrs. Pincb, She'll be angry with me ; But I had rather (He 
ftiould be angry with me than. you. Bud. And to tell you the 
Truth, *twas (he made me write the Letter,, and taugltt.me what 
I (hou'd write. 

Mr. Pincb,. Ha— (I thought the Style was fomewhat. better 
than her own.) lA/ide,. 

Cou'd (he come-to you to teach you,, (ince I had lock'd you up. 
alone ? 

Mrs* Pincb, O, thro' the Kev-hole, Bud; 

Mr. Pincb, But why (hou'd me make you write » Letter fc(^ 
her to him, (Ince (he can write herfelf ? 

Mrs. Pincb, Why, (hefaidbecau&^fbc I was unwilling ta 
de it. 

Mr. Pinch, Becaufe what— becaiife.. 

Mrs. Pincb, Becaufe, left Mr. Horner (houMbe cruel, andr 
lefufe her, or be vain afterwaids, and (hew the Letter, (he 
might diibwn it, the Hand not being her's. 

Mr. Pinch. How's this ? Ha— then I think I (hill come t<y 
mylelf again— This Channeling cou'd not invent this Lye : But 
if (be cou'd> why (hou'd (he I She might think I (kou'd foonr 

difccver 



6S^ TA4 CoUniry^ WifL 

difcover it— Stay— now I think on't too, Horner faid he vrag 
foiTy (hfe hafi married Sfar>ki/b'% andiher difownii^ her Maf- 
riage to me makes me think Ihe has evaded it for Homer^s fake : 
yet why fhou'd ihp tak« this Cpl^le.?(Biul; Men in love are 
Fools ; Women may well be fo — * [JIfide. 

Bttthafkyo*?, Madam* y9ur,Sifterv«cnt.outia-the M*rnin^ 
and I have not feen her within fmce. 

Mrs. Pinch, Alack-a-day, ihe ha« been crying all Day a- 
bove it feems in a Corner. • 

Mr. Pinch* Where is fhe ? let me fpeak with her. 

Mrt. Pinch, O Lord then ihell difcover all— [4/Wr. 

Pray hold, Bnd ; what d^e mean.to difcover me ! fhe'U knovc 
I have told you tlien. Pray, Btid, let me. talk with her firit— 

Mr. Pinch;. I mnft fpeak with her, to know whether Horrr«r 
ever made her any Promife, and 'whether ftie be married to 
Sparhijby or no. . 

Mfs. Pinch. Pray, dear Bud, • don't, tilH have fpoken with 
her, and told her that I have told ypu all ; for flje'U kill me elfe. 

Mr. Pinch, Go then, and -bid her, come out to me. 

Mrs. Pinch, Yes, yes, Bud-^ 

Mr. Pinch, Lit me fee— - 

Tvlr^ Pinch. Ill go, but (he \% nof wjthin to come to him r 
I have juftgot thne to knpwofjCzffy her Inlaid, who Bi*ft fet mc 
on work, what Lye I ihaH tell next j for I am e'en at my Wh's 
ci>d— [4/»^/. [fte, Mrs, Pinchwife. 

Mr. Pinchi Weli, I'refolve it, Horner ihall have her : I^ 
rather give bin? my Siftjcr dian lend him. my. Wife ; and fucb 
an Alliance will prevent his Pretenfions to* my Wife, fure— I'll 
make hiin of Kio toher, and then he won't care for her. 
Mrs, P/mchwife r^*z/r/w, 

M«. Pinch, O Lord, Bnd, I*, to^d you what Anger you; 
wouldiTjakcjme witb my Softer. 

Mi;. Pinch, Won't fhe, come hither,? 

Mrs. Pinch, No, no< i\flack-a-day, (he's afhamM to loofe^ 
you in the. Face j.and fbe fays, if you go in to her, flie'll.rui^ 
away down Stairs, and fhamefoHy go herfelfto Mr. Horner, 
who has promised her Marriage,, flie fay? 5 and.flie will have 
ro,other,^fo fhe won't- — 

Mr, Pinch, Didhefo — promife her Marriage — then ftje (hall 
have no. other. Qo tell her fo j and if fhe wjU come and dif-' 
courfe with me a little conceming theMeans, I will about it 
immediately, go — [JBxit Mrs, Finchvvife. 

His E.ftate is. equal. to Sparki/h*^, and his Extra^^ion as much 
better than his as his Parts are ; but my chief Reafon is, Pd ra- 
ther be a kin to him by the Name of Brother,- in-law^ than tha* 
of Cuckold — 
Well, what fays fhe novy ? 

Mrs. Pinch, Wky, fhe iay^ fhe would only have you leatl 
Kcr to Horner's Lodging— wirir whom ihc fitft.will difcourfe rhtr 
^ ' Matter 



^he Country JVife. 6g 

Matter before ihe talks with voir, which yet (he cannot do } 
for alack, poor Creature, (he (ays fhe can^t lo much as look you 
jn the Face, therefore (he'll come to you in a Ma(k : And you 
muft excufe her, if (he make you no Anfwcr to any Que(tion 
of yours, till you have brbught her to Mr. Homer ; andlf you 
will not chide her, nor queftion her, (he'll ccme out to you im- 
mediately. 

Mr. Pincb. Let her come i I will not fpeaka Word to her, 
nor require a Word from her. 

Mrs. Pincb, Oh, I forgot: Befides, (he fays, (he.canno^ 
look you in the Face, tho' Siro' a Ma(k j therefore wou'd de(ire 
you to put out the Candle. 

Mr. Piucb^ I agree to all i Let her make hafte — 

[Exit Mrs. Pinchwife. 
There Yis out— [P«// out the Candle, 

My Cafe is fomething better j I'd rather fight with Homer for 
not lying with my Smer too forward, than for lying with my 
Wife 5 and of the two, I had rather find my Sifter too forward, 
than my Wife : I expeftcd no other from her free Education, 
as ihe calls it, and her PaflTion for the Town— Well— Wife and 
Sifter are Names which make us expert Love and Djuty, Plea- 
fiire and Comfort ; but we find 'em Plagues and Torments, 
and are equally, tho' differently, troublefome to their Keeper i 
For we have as much ado taget People to lie with our Sifters, 
as to keep 'cm from lying with our Wives. 
Enter Mrs, Pinch wifi maftCd^ and in Hoods and Scar<ves, and 

a Nigbt-Go^n and Petticoat «/* AlitheaV, in tbe Dark. 
What are you come, Sifter ? Let us go then — But firft, let me 
lock up mjj Wife. Mrs. Margery, where are you ? 
Mrs. Pincb. Here, Bud. 

Mr. Pincb. Come hither, that I may lock you up : Get yovt 
in. [Locks tbe Door. 

Com^ Sifter, where are you now ? 

[Mrs. Pinchwife gi'ues bim her Hand\ but nvben be lets bet- 
gOf Jbeftealsfiftly on toother fide ofbwt, and is ledan»ay byt 
bim for bis Sifter Alithea. 

^e Scene changes to Homer's Lodgings. 
Quack, Hornen 
S^ack. What, all alone? not fo much as one of your Cuck- 
olds her«, nor one of their Wives \ They ufe to take their turns 
with you, as if they wage to watch you. 

Horn. Yes, it often happens, that a Cuckold is but his Wife's 
Spy, and is more upon Family Duty when he is with her Gal* 
lant abroad, hindering his Pleafure, than when he is at home 
with her playing the Gallant r But thehardeft Duty a married 
Woman impofes upon a Lover, is keeping her Hulbaad com- 
pany always. 

Sluack, And his Fondnefs wearies vou alraoft as foon as her*«*.' 
Mom. A poX| keeping a Cuckola company, after you have 

had 



7a 17^-Ccwt^.Wifi. 

ha4fhi» Wift, J8 at tirelomea* the C«»pa«gptofm CbuKtfv 
SquH-P to a witty F«lJbw.of tbt .Town,, whca hc.ha* got all hii 
MDP«y, 

%«r^. AxmI at at4irft «i Mai»n»k^« a Friend o£ the Hoibaiid 
to ^t the Wife^ fo at laft yow are f»fli to £all out with thf Wife 
to .b« Ti4 ef ;the .H«ibarvd< 

Horn. Ay, moft Cuckold-Makers are true Courtiers^ when 
oiw % pppr Ma» has crack'diwsjCreditfor 'em^ ttey caa't^a* 
bide to come near him. 

^^4€K But at firft; to drikw hi»«i^ arc fo fweet, fo kin<l, 
fo:de»r,! juft as you are to Pincbwife : But what becomes ©f 
that Intrigue with his Wife ? 

Hi?rw. A Pox, he's as furly.as an Alderman that hag bec» 
bit, and,rift€e.he:s focoy, his Wife's Kindnefsis in vain, for 
/he's a fiUy Innocent, 

^a<ki, DidiKen©tfendy<^ia.I^tterby him? 

HoTfi. Yes ;. Bwtth^'s a JiiddleJ have notyetfoltfd— Allow 
the poor Creatuse to .be willi»g^ | Ihe-is iiUy /too, and he keeps 
hef,u|iA) clofc-r 

^ack. Yes, fo-clofethathemakeshcrbnttbeanoreviriliing^ 
and add^ but R^veoge: to her Love: ; which two, when met, 
fejdonarf ail of fajtisfying each other one-way or other. 

Hmt4 What, hei-e:s the Man we are, talking, of, I thhOci 

EmW'Mg* Btuphwife* Ie4i4mg m^hU mfe.m^id, mvfiedf 
and in, her Sifter's Gotwi, 

Hftrn^ Pfliaw* 

S^^ck, Bringi^ig his Wife to you is tfaeneait thing to bring- 
ii|g..a Love-Letter from her* 

Horn. What means this ? 

Mr. Pincb. The laft time, youjuww, Sir, I brought you 
arLov»-Letter, nowyoufeeaMiftreisi I.thii)k..yQa'ilfay.I am 
a, civil Man to .you 

Horn. Ay, the Devil take mey will I iky ihon art the. civileft? 
Man I ever met with j and I have known fome^ I fancy, I 
niiderftand thee now better than I did the Letter. But hark 
thee in thy Ear — 

Mr. Pincb^ What? 

Horn. Nothing but the ufual Qgcftion, Man : Is fhe founds 
on thy. Word ? 

Mr. Pincb, What, you take her for a Wench, and me fo© 
a Pimp ? , ^ 

Horn. Pihaw, Weneh and Pimp, paw Words 5 I know thou 
art an honed Fellow, and haft a great. Acquaintance amoi^ 
the Ladies,' and perhaps haft made Love for me, rather thaa 
let me make Love to thy Wife — 

,Mr. Pincb, Come, Sir, in Ihort^ I :am>fbr no fooling. 

Horn. Nor I neither : Therefore prithee let's fee her Fac^ 
p«e(entlyt Make her. ihew> Man « Authonliiurelxlda'tknow 

.' Mr. 



Yhfi Cmttry mfe. yi 

Mr. Pmcb, ' I stm fure you do know her. 

Horn, A pox, why doft thou bring her to me then ? 

Mr. ?wrJ. Because' (he's a Relation of mine. 

Ham. 'Is fte, iaith» Man ! then thou art ftili more civil tfnd 
obliging, dearRofi^e. 

Mr. Pificb. Who defirM me to bring her to<you. 

Horn. Then (he is obliginsr, dear Rogue. 

•Mr. PmcL You*il make her-wclcome for my iake,' I hope ? 

Horn, I hope (he is handfome enough to make herfelf wel- 
come : Prithee let her unmaflc. 

Mr. Pincbi. Do you IJpeak to her : fte vrin^d ttev^r be-rul'd 
ftyrae. "* 

Horn, Madam—- [A^/. Pinchwife 'wbi/hers to Homer. 
Shefeysflie nwftrfpeak-*wirfi me in private : withdraw, pri- 
thee. 

Mr. Phicb, She't unwilling, it feems,'! fliou'd fcndw all 
her undeceat Condufl in this Bunnefs— lAfide, 

Well then, I'll leave you together, *and hope when lam- gone 
you'll agrte ; if not, you and I ihan*t agree. Sir— 

Horn, .What means the Fool ?-^If ihe and I a^ree, '*tis no 
matter what you and I do. 

[Undjpers to Mrs, Pinchwife^ vubo makef Signs nvitb ber 
Hand for bim to begtme, 

Mr. Pincb, In the mean time III fetch a Parfon, and -iind 
out Spurktjbf and difabufe him. You wouM have me fetch a 
Parl^, would you not ? Well then— -Now I think I am rid. of 
her, and (hall have no more trouble with hcr-^Our Sifters and 
Daughters, tike Viurers Money, are fafeft when put out $ but 
our Wives, like their Writings, never iafe but in our Cbfets un- 
der Lock and Key. [Ex. Mr. Pinch. 

Enter Boy, ^ 

Boy. Sir Jajper Fidget, Sir, is cominr up. 

'tiom. Here's the trouble of a Cuekoki now we are talking 

• tff : A pox on kim, has he not enough to do to hinder his Wife's 
Sport, but he nuift other Women's too ^-^Step in here, Ma- 
dam. lEx, Mru Pinch. 

Enter Sir Jafper. 

Sir JaD>, VLj Veft and deareft Friend. 

Horn, The old Swle, Doaor— 
Well, be (hort, for I am bofy. Wfast wodd ydurin^pertsi^t 
Wife have now } 

Sii- Jajp. Well guefs'd, I'faith ; fwl do coiAefronr her. 

Horn, To invitemeto Supper ? Tell her I ca*i't come : 'Go. 

Sir JaJit, Nay, now you are out, faith ; for my Lady, and 
the whole knot of the virtuous Gang as they call rhemfelves, are 

• ve(blvM uDon a frolkk of coming to you to-iughtin MaTipierade, 
and are all dreft already. , 

Horn, I {han't be at home. 

Sir Jajp» Lord, how churliftrtois to Wonwft-^Nay» prithee 

don*t 



72 X^e Country JFife. 

don't difappoint 'em ; they'll think 'tis ray fault s Prithee don't, 
111 fend m the Banquet and the Fiddled : But make no Noifc 
on't 5 for the poor virtuous Rogues would not have it known, 
fot the World, that they go a mafquerading } and they would 
come to no Man's Ball but yours. 

Horn* .Well, well — get you gone j and tell 'em if they come, 
•twill be at the Peril of their Honour and yours. 

Sir Jajp, Hch, he, he,— well truft you for that Farewel— 

{Exit Sir Jafper. 

Horn. DoSoTj anonypu tooJhaUbe my Gueft. 
But no^ Im going to a private Feaft, 

^e Scene changes to the Piazza ^fCovent- Garden* 
Sparkiih, Pinchwife. 

Spark. But who would have C Sparkiih wiVA the Letter 
thought a Worn ^n could have been 1 in bis Hand, 
falfe to roe ? By the World, I could not have thought it. 

^r. Pinch. You were for giving and taking Liberty : She 
has taken it only, Sir, now you .find in that tetter. . You arc 
a frank Perfon, and fo is fhe you fee there. 

Spark, Nay, if this be her! Hand— for I never faw it. 

Mr. Pinch, 'Tis no matter whether that be her Hand, or 
no 5 I am liire this Hand at her Pefure led her to Mr. Horner, 
with whom I left her juft now, to go fetch a Parfon to 'em at 
their Defire too, to deprive you of her for ever j for it &ems 
yours was but a Mock-Marriage. 

Spark. Indeed, flie wow'd needs have it that 'twas Harcouri 
himfelf, in a Parfon's Habit, that married us -, but I'm fure he 
t»ld me 'twas his Brother Ned, 

Mr. Pinck^ O, there 'tis out ; and you were dcceiv'd, not 
ihe : For vou arc fuch a frank Perfon— But I muft be gone — 
You'll find her at Mr. Homer\i Go, and believe your Eyes. 

[Exit Mr. Pinchwife. 

Spark. Kay 111 to her, and call her as many Crocodiles, Sv- 
rens. Harpies, and other heathenifti Names, as a Poet would 
do a Miftiefs who had refused to hear his Suit, nay more, his 
Verfes on her. • 

But ftay, is not that (lie following a Torch at t'other end of the 
Pki«2W, ^ndfromJifonKr's certamly — 'Tis fo — 

Enter Ai'ithe^ folh'wing a 'lorchy and Lucy behind, 
Yoii ai« well met, M'dam, tho' you don't think fo. What, 
you have made a (hort V jfit to Mr, Horner ? But I fuppofe you'll 
return to him prefently, by that time the Parfon can be with him. 

Mth, Mr. Homer and the Parfon, Sir,— 

Spark. Come, Madam, no more diffembling, no more jilt- 
ing ; for I am no more a frank Perfon. 

Mth. How's this ? r- T r i/^j 

Jjicy^ So, 'twiUworklfce— Digitized by Google iAMe* 

Spark* 



The Gouftfry Wife. 7 j 

^'Sparh Coo^d you find oat no cafy Country FocS to alwfet 
none but me, a Gentleman of Wit andPlcafure about the Town? 
But it was your Pride to be too hard for a Man of* Parts, onwor- 
tlty fall'c Woman j falfe as a Friend that lends a Man Nfcncy 
to lofe i falfe as Dice, who undo thofe that trirfl all thgr have 
to ■'em. 

Lucy. He has "been a great Bubble by his Sinaifies, as they 
fay— [Afide. 

Alith. You ha« bccustoo merry, Sir, at your Weddm^-Dm-. 
ner, fure. 

'Spark. What, d'ye mock me too f 

Alitb. Or you have been deluded ? 

spark. By you, 

AUth. Let me underftand yon* 

Spark. Have you the Confidence, 1 (hould call it fomctliing 
«lfe, fincc you know your Guilt, to ftand my juft Reproaches > 
Did not you write an impudent Letter to Mr« Hcrmr ? who I , 
iivA now has clubbed with you m deluding me with his AverfioR 
for Women , that I might not, forfooth, fofoe^ him for my R i val^ 

Liicy. D'ycdilnk the Gcmleman can \k )ealous »ow. Ma- 
dam — \^AJid€^ 

JlitL I write a Letter to Mu Hprtar f 

Spark. Nay, Madam, do not deny it : Your Brotlier flicW^l . 
it me juft now 5 and told me likewife, he left7ou at Hormr'% 
Lodging to fetch a Parfon to marry you to him* And I wiilt ' 
you Joy, Madam, Joy, Joy j and to him too much Joy i^ , 
and to myfetf more Joy for not marrying you. 

Alith. So, I find my Brother would break offthe Match, and 
I can confent to't, fince I fee this Gentleman can be made jea^ . 
lous. [AJtde^ • 

O Lucy^ by his rude Ufage and Jealoufy, he makes me almoft 
afraid I am married to him : Art thou fure *twas Hartourt him« 
fclf, and no Parfon, that married us ? 

Spark. No, Madam,* 1 thank you, I iuppofe, that was x 
• Contrivance too of Mr. Horner^^ and yours, to make Harcourt 
play Ae Parfon ; but I would as liroe as you have him one ^ 
now, no, not for the World : For, ifaall I tell you another 
Truth ? I never had any Paflion for you tiM now, for now I 
hate you. 'Tis true, I might have married your Portion, ^s 
other Men of Parts, of the Town do (bmetinies y and fo, your 
Servant. And, to fiicw my 0nconcemedne(s, 111 come to fv9x 
Wedding, and refign im>u with as much Joy, as I would a ftale 
Wench io a new Cully ; nay, with as much' Joy as I would 
after die fiiA Night, if I had been married to you « There's foe 
j6u; and fo your Servant, Servant. ££xy/ SjnriL 

Alitb. How was I deceived in a Maul 

Lucy. You^ll believe then a Fool may be made ]ea1ous nxm ? 
For niat Eafinefs in him that fuffers him to be led bv a Wilie» 
vill likewiie permit him to be perfuaded againft her W others. 



74 ^be Country Wife. 

Alitb. ButmiHTy Mr. .Homer! My Brother does not Intend 
it, furc s If I thought he did, I would take thy Advice, and 
Mr.. Harcourt for my Huiband* And now I wifti, that if 
there jje any over- wife Woman of the Town, who,^ like me, 
would marry a Fool for Foitune, Liberty, or Title, *firft, that 
her Huiband may love Play, and be « Cully to all the Town 
but her, and fufl&r none but Fortune to be Miftrcfs of his Purfe- 1 
then if for Liberty, that he may fend her into the Country, un- ^ 
de;* the ConduA of fome houfewifely Mother -in-Law 5 and if 
ioc Title, may the World give 'cm none but diat of Cuckold. 

Luiy. And for her greater Curie* Madam ^ may he not de- 
serve It.. 

Alitb, Away, Impertinent— is not this my old Lady Lan- 
lerlu's} 

Lucy. Yes, Madain. (Aj^d here I hope we (hall find Mr; 
Harcourt, — \^4fide^ [Exeunt Alithea, Lucy. 

T/j^ Scene cbemgere^ain to Horner's Lodging, 

:Hpmer, L(fdj Fidgety' Mrs, Dainty fidget, Mrs, Squeamiih. 

A Table^ Banket, and BottlesM 

Horn. A pox^ they are come too foon— before I have lent back - 
my new— Miftrcfs : All I have now to do, is to lock her in, 
that they may not fee her-r- . [jfide. 

iu^yfidg^ Thatwemay be fyre of our Welcome, we have 
brought our Entertainment with us, and are refolv'd to treat 
thee, dear Toad. 

Dain. And, ihat we «jay be merry to purpofc, hare /eft Sic 
JaJ^ery and my Old Lady Sgueanujb, quarrdJing at home at 
nBackgammon.. 1 a. 1. 

Sgueam. Therefore let us make uft of our Time, left they 
Ihpnld chance to interrupt us. 

Xftdy Fulg.. Let us fit then. 

liom. Fifft, th*t.you may be pri^^tc, let me lock this Door 
and tha^, and I'll wait upon you prcfently. 

L^&y Jidg. N9, Sir, Aut 'em only, and your Lips for ever 5 
for we muff truft ypu asniuch aa our Women. 

Iforn. You kijo^ all Vanity's kill'd in me 5 I have no occa- 
sion ^or talking. 

Lady Fidg. I^ow, Lsidies, fuppofing we had drank each or 
JUS our two Bottles, let us fpeak the Truth of our Hearts. 

/)a}n. ^niSg^fifme Agreed. 

Lady Fidg. By rthis Bnmraer, for Tnith is no where elfe to 
t)e.7oqnd, (not in thV.Heart^ falfe Man.) I4fide to Horn. 

ff^rn^ Ypu havptoun^-iw* true Man, I'mJRire. 

. l4/ide to Lady Fidget. , 

Lady FJg, Not every way-» ' i^/^ ^^ Horner. 

But let us jit and 1^ merry* / 

La4f 

' ■ ' ■ . ' Digitized by VjPOQIC 



'^be Ctmntry VT^e. 75 

Lady Tiiget/tngs, ' * - 

I. 
Why Jbmfit aur damned Tyrants oblige us' W ih/t 
On the Pittance ofPleafure <wBichtbej only give ? 

We muft not rejoice 

With Wine and ^with Koife j 
In 'Vain nve mufl wake in a dtal Bed alone f ' 
Wbilfi to our.yJarfnJti^al the Bbttle tb^'ne gone. 

Then Un afide ChartHSf 

And take up thefe ♦ Arms. • The Glaflcs^ 

•'TZf Wme only gi*v€s "em' their Courage and Wit ^ 
Becaufe lue true fiber f to Mem^we Jvdfmit* 

if for Seauttesyou^d pafs^ , 

rakeaLickoftbtGlafsy 
*TaA;ill mend your Complexions^ and <when tbey are gf^t^ 
The hefi Red <we have it tbe Red of the Grapi» 

Then Sifiers lay" tOHt^ 

And danm agood Sbapew- > 

Dain. Dear Brimmer, well, in icken tf om* O'pennefi aJTcl^ 
Pbm Deaitng, let ti» iSirow xsm M«flw over our Headt.- 

Horn, So, ^t^'i^X coxvat. tp tjie Glalfes anon. 

ISqueam^ Lovely Brimmer, let me enjoy him* firft. 
^ Lady Fidg. Na, I never part with a Gallant till I've try'd 
Km . Dear Brimmer, that makeft our Hiiiban^ fhort-fighted . 

Dain* And our bafhful Gallants bpld'. 

Squeam. And, for want of a Gallant, the Butter lovely in our 
Xyes : Drinkr Eunuch. , 

Lady Fidg» Drink, thou Kcprefentative of a Hu(band »' 
Pamn a Huiband. 

Djin. And, as it were a Hufband, aft oW Keeper, • 

Squeam. And an old GrandmoAer. 

Horn, And an Englijb Baud, and a Freneh' ^xxt^on*^ 

I^ady Fidg, Ay, we have all Reafon to curfe 'cm. 

Horn. For ray fake, Ladies ?• 

Lady Fidget.,^ No, for our own 5 for- the firft ipoils a^l yourig 
Gallants Induftry. 

Dain, And the otber^s Art makes 'em* bold: only with com- 
mon Women. 

Squeam* And rather run the hazard of the-VileDIft'ehnper a- 
mongft them, than of a Denial among^ us. 

Dain, The filthy Toads chufc Miftrefles now, as they do 
Stuffs, for having bJeen fancy*d" and virom by others. 

Squeam. For being common and cheap. 
^ Lady Fid^. Whilft Wpmen of Quality^, like the richefl Stuflfe, 
He untumbled, and unafk'd for. 

Horn, Ay, neat, and cheap, and new, often they think beft, 

Dain, No, Sir, th© Bcaft* will be known by a Miftrefs lon- 
ger thaatby^ a Suk»< Q-v Sqtieam$ 



76 Tie Cduntry Wife. 

Sipteam. And *th not for Cheapnef»neither» 

Lady FiJg. No j for the van Fops will take up Draggets, 
tnd emhcoider ^em. But I wondev at the depraved Ap)>«tite» 
«f witty Men } they ufe to* be out of the common Road, and 
Kate Imitation : pray tell me^ Beaft, when you were a Man» 
why you rather chofe to chib with a Multitude in a common 
Houfe for an Entertainment, than to be die only Gueft-at a 
food Table. 

Hofft^ Why» faidi) Ceremony and £xpe5tation aie unfuffer* 
able to thofe that are (harp bent : People always eat with the 
beft Stomach at an Ordinary, where every Man is (hatching for 
the beft Bit. 

Ladv FiaSf. Tbo'he get a Cut over the Fingers — But I have 
lleard that Peopleeatmoft heartily of another Man's Meaty- that 
is, what they do not pay for» 

Hant^r When they are fure of their Weleome and Freedom ^ 
for Ceremony In Love and Eating is as ridieulous as in Fight-^ 
ing : Falling onbriikly is all (hcuid be done on thofe Occa{ions» 

Ladyfi^^. Well then, let me tell you. Sir, there is no where 
more rreedom than in our Houfes $ and we take Freedom from 
m yovAff Peribn as a fign of good Breedinj^ } and a Perfb» may 
be at &e as he pleaiSi wt£ us, as ftolick^ as gamefome^ as 
wild ai he will. 

Honit Han't I heard yon all declaim agatnft wild Men f 

Lady Fidj. Yes ^ but, for all that, wt think Wildnefs in a 
Man as dswri^c a Qviality, as in a Duck or Rabbit ^ A tame 
Man, fob. 

/ferff. I know not $ but your Reputations frightened mt,, as 
much as your Faces invited me. 

Lady ti^g* Our Reputation \ Lord, why (hould you not think 
that we Women make ufe of our Reputation, as you Men of 
yoursi only to deceive the World withlefs fufpicion ? Our Vir- 
tue is like the Statefman's Religion, the Quaker's Word, the 
Game0«r's Oath, and the Great Man's Honour ^ but to cheat 
thofe that truft us. 

Squeam* And that Demurenels, Coynefs, and Modefty, 
that you fee in our Faces in the Boxes at Plays, is as much a 
Cgn of a kind Woman, as a Vizard-Maik in the Pit. 

Doiv, For I aiTurc you. Women are Leaft maik'd wben the^ 
fcavc the Velvet Vizard on. 

I«ady Fufg* Yon won'd have found us modeiL Women in our 
Penials only. 

Squeam, Our Baflifulnefs is only the Refiedion of the Men's. 

Daift, We bluih when they are Ihamc-fac'd. 

Hontm I beg your Pardon, Ladies, I was deceived in yott 
deviliihly i But why that mighty Pretence to Honour ? 

Lady Fu^, We have told you j but fometimes 'twas for the 
fame reafon you Men pretendBuiinels often, to avoid ill Com* 
pany, to enj^oy the betterA and moce privately, thofe you love. 



TSe CoMtfy Wife. yj 

Horn. But why woird you ne'er give a Friend a Wink then ? ' 

Lady F/V^f. Faith, yoUr Reputation frighten'd us as much as 
ours did you, you were fonotonbufly lewd. - 
. Horn. And you fo feemlngly honeft. 

Lady FUg,- Was that all that deterr'd you ? 

Horn, And foexpenfive — you allow Freedom yOD fey; 

Lady Fidg. Ay, ay. 

Horn, That I was afraid of lofing my little Moncjr, as well^ 
SM my little time, both which my other Pleafures required. 

Lady Fidg, Money, foh— you talk like a little FcHow now': - 
<fo fuch as weexpeft Money ? 

Horn. I beg ypur Pardon, Madam, I maft ct>nfeft, I have 
heard that great Ladies, like great Merchants, fet but the 
higher Prices upon what they have, becaufc they are not ia ne- ' 
.ccmty of taking the firft OflFer. 

Dain, Such as we make fale of our Hearts ? 

Squeam, We bribed for our Love ? Foh.- 

Horn. With your Pardon, Ladies, I know, like greSit Meir'^ 
in Offices, you leem to exa6l Flattery and Attendince only from 
your Followers 5 but you have Receivers abfcrut you, and fuch^' 
Fees to pay, a Man is afraid to pafs your Grants ; beiides we 
mull let you win at Cards, or we4ofe your Hearts \ and if you 
make an Aflignation, 'tis at a Goldfmith's, Jeweller's, or China- 
houfe, where for your Honour, you depofit to him, he mull 
pawn his to the punctual Cit, ana fo paying for what you take-' 
up, pays for what he takes up. • 

Dain. Wou'd younot have us aiTur'd ofbur Gallant* Love V 

S^iaam. Tor Love is better known by. Liberality, than by- 
Jealoufy. 

Lady Fidg. For one may be difTemblcd, the other not-^biit 
my Jealoufy can be no longer diffembled, and they are tel'ing 
ripe. I4fi^f.' 

Come, here's to oufv Gsdlants in waiting, whom we mvft 
name, and I'll begin^ this is my falfe Rogtteb 

[CmPj bim ott^the Back* 

Saueam* How ! 

jionr: So all will out now— 

Squeam. Did you not tell me, 'twas for my fake only you 
reported yourfelt no Man ? i:Afile to Homer* ~ 

Dain. Oh Wretch j Did you not (wearto me, 'twas for my.- 
Love, and Honour, you paisM for that thing you do ? 

^ \AfidetQ Hoitaer* 

Hwm S<s fo. 

Lady Fidg. Come; fpeaky Ladies, this is my faklfe Villain; 

Squeam. And mine too. 

Jjain. Aixl mine. 

Horn. Well then, yon are all three my falfe Rogues to6, 
and there*s an«nd on't. 

tady Fi^S^ WcU then, therc> no Remedy, Siflcr-iharer», 

6 r J« 



7 8 TB& Country Wtfe. 

let us not fail out, but have a care of our Honour ; tho^ we get 
DO PrefentSy no Jewels of him, we are Savers of our Hotiour^ 
the Jewel of moft value and ufe, which, (bines yetto the Wbdd 
unfufpe^ledy tho' it be counterfeit. 

Hom^ Nay, and is e'en as good as if it were true,,. providecL 
riie World thinks fo $ for Honour, like Beauty now, only de- 
pends on the Opinion of others. 

X-ady Fi4g^ Well, Barry Common, I hope ^rou can be true 
to three f fwear, but *tis to no purpofe, to require your Oiitb^ 
fiu: VQu are as often focfwom, as you fwear to new Women. 

aom. Come, faith. Madam, let us e>n pardon oneanother» 
fox all the difference I find betwixt we Men and' you Women^ 
we for/wear ourfelves at the beginning of an Amour, you as 
long as it lalts. 

Enter Sir Jafper Fidget, ofid Old Lady Squeamifh.. 

Sir Ja^. Oh, my Lady Fi^et^ was this your cunning, to^ 
eome to Mr. Ztr^^ without me I But you have been no where 
•lie, Iho^* -^ 

Lady Fidg. No,. Sir Jajpir* 

Old La. Swam. And you came ftraight fiitheiv Bidify* 

Squeam. Yes, indeed. Lady Grandmother^ 

Sir Jajp^ Tis well, 'tis well, I knew when once they were 
thro'ly acquainted with poor Hors^r, theyM ne^er be from him ; 
you may let her mafquerade it with my Wife,, and Hamer^ and 
1 warrant her Reputation fafe. 

Enter Bdjr. 

Efy* O^ Sir, here^s the Gentleman come, whom you bid nae 
»ot fuffer to come up,, without gi^ng you notice, with a Lady- 
tod, and other Gentlemen — 

Ham^ Po you all go in there,, whilft I fend .'em away 5 and 
Boy do you defire *em to day below till I come, which fliall be 
immediately. \Exeunt Sir Jafper> La. Squeam. La^ Fidget, 

Mrj. Painty Squeamiih. 

toj. Yes, Sir* \Exit.. 

\Exit Homer at father Dwr^ and 

returns tmtb Mrs. Pinchwife. 

Horn. You wouM not take my Advice to be gone homc,,be- 
£)re your Hufband came, back, be^ll now difcover all ; yet pray, 
my Peareft, be perfuaded to go home, and leave the reft to my. 
Management, I'll let you down the back way;. 

Mrs. Pinch. T don't know the way home, fol dbnl. . 

Horn. My Man Ihall wait uponyoui 

Mrs. Pincb. No, don't you believe that TUgo at all j what 
are you weary of me already > 

Horn. No, my Lift, 'tis that I may love you long^ 'tis to fe« 
cure my Love, and your Reputati^ with' your Husband, ,he^ll 
jkeyer receive you again elfe.. 

Mrs. Pinch. What care I, d*ye think to frighten me* with 
that ? I don't iatend to go tahin a^sain i yoo ihall be my Kuf* 
\aadnow^ ffera^ 



The Gouniry Wife. ^9 

IfefTT* I cannot be your Hufband, Deaveft* ixnce you are 
married to him. 

Mrs. Pinch. O wou'd you make mc believe that— don't fee 
every Day at London here, Women leave their firft Hu(bands» 
and go andUve with other Men as their Wives ? pifh» pihaw^ 
ymi'd make me angry^ but that I love you fo mainly. 

Horn. So, they are comiag up — In again> in, I hear 'em s 

[Exit Mrs, Pinchwife* 
Well, a filly Miftrefs is like a weak place, foon got, foon loft, 
a Man has fcarce time for Plunder ; Ihe betrays her Hulband 
firft to her Gallant, and then her Gallant to her Hu&and^ 

Enter Pinchwife, Alithea, Harcourt, Sparkifli, Lucy, 
and a Parfon, 

Mr. Pinch. Come» Madam 'tis not the fudden Change •£ 
your Drefs, the Confidence of your A^verations, and your 
falle Witnefs there, fliall perfuade me, I did not bring you hi- 
ther, juft now 5 here's my Witnefs, who cannot denv it, fince 
you muft be confronted — Mr. Homer y did not I oring this 
tady to you juft now ? 

Horn. Now muft I wrong one Woman £br another's fake, 
but thaf s no new thing with me y for in thefe Cafes I am ftill 
on the Criminal's fide againft the Innocent. [Afide* 

AUth. Pray ibeak, Sir. 

Horn. It muft be fo— I muft be impudent, and try my Luck, . 
Impudence uies to be too hard for Truth. • - [A/ide. 

Mr. Pinch. Whatt you are ftudying an Evafion, orExcufe 
for her, fpeak. Sir.. 

Horn. No, faith"; I am fomething backward only to fpeak 
in Women's Afiairs or Difputes. 

Mr. Pinch. She bids you fpeak. 

JUtb. Av, pray. Sir, do, pray fatisfy him. 

Horn^ Thentruly, you did bring that Lady to me juft navr« 

Mr. Pinch. O ho— 

Alitb. How,, Sir— ^ 

Hare. How, Homer! 

Alith. What mean you, Sir, I always took you for a Man 
of Honour } 

Hare. Ay, fo nmch a Man of Honour, that I muft (avemf 
Miftrefs, I thank you, come what will on't [Afide^r 

Spark. So if I had had her, flie'd have made me believe the 
Moon had beetv made of a Cbrifttnas Pyc. 

Lucy. Now cou'd I ibeak, if I durft, and folve die Riddle, 
who am the Author of it. [AKde. 

Alith. O unfortunate Woman ! A Combination, againft my 
Honour, which moft concerns me now, becaufeyou (hare in my 
Pifgrace, Sir, and it is your Cenfure which I -muft now fiifier» 
that troubles me, not theirs. 

Hare. Madam, then have no Trouble, you (kail now (be *tis 
poilible for mc to teve too, without being jealous i I will not 

only 



Stx " Th Cotmtry fPlfe. 

wlYj believe your Innocence itiyfelf, but make sll tlie MTbrkl 

believe.it: — 

Horner^ I muft now be concerned for* this Lady*s Honour. 

[,Apart to HomcJr. 

Horn. And I muft be conoemM for a Lady's Honour too- 

Hare, This Lady has her Honour, and I wili proteft it. 

Horn. My Lady has not her Honour».btit has given itme t^' 
keep, and 1 will prefcrve it. 

Hare. I underftand you not. 

Horn. I wouM not have you*. 

Mrs. Pinck. What's the matter with 'email ?• 

IMrs. ¥'mchmh peeping in tfehind*^ 

Mr. Pi»ri&..Com«,come, Mr. Horner, nomoredifputing j-. 
liere's the Parfon, I brought him not in vain. 

i/orz?. No, Sir, ril employ him, if thi^Lady pleafc. 

Mr. Pinch. Hov^y what (Tyc mean-? 

Spark. Ay^ what does he mean f 

Horn. Why, I have refignfd your Sifter to^liim, he has myf 
Gonfent. 

Mr. Pinch. But he has not mine,- Sir 5 ■ a Woman's 'injiir'd • 

Honour, no more than a Man's, can be repair'd, or fatisfy'd 

by any but him that firft wrong'd it j and you ftiall marry her. 

pjTcfently^.. or-— LA^-f ^ Hand on bis Sivord,- 

Enter to tbem. Mrs. Pmchwife. 

Mrs. Pinch. .a-Lord, they'll killpoor Mr. Homer 5 befides- 
ht fhan'^t marry her whilft I ftand by, and look on i I'll not lofe 
my fecond Hufband.fo. 

Mr. Pinch. What do I fee ^ 

Alitb. My Sifter in my Clothes \ '■■ 

Spark. Ha J 

Mrs. <Pi»fi5..Nay, pray now ddn't quarrel about findings 
' Work for the Paribii, he (hall mariy me to Mr. Horner j for 
BOW, I believe, you have enough of me. [To Mr. Pinchwife, - 

Horn. DanrnM, damn'd loving Changeling.. 

Mrs. Pinch. Pray, .Sifter, pardon me for telling fa many, 
tyes of you. 

Horn. I fuppofe the Kiddle i8>fkhdn now* 

JUtcy, No, tnat ijiuft be ihy Work, good Sir, hear me^ 

\Kneels to Mr* Pinchwife, nuhoftande' 
doggedly <u3ith his Hat over his Eyes.- 

Mc. Pinch* 1 will never hear Woman again,; but make 'em - 
' ^ filent, thus— > [Offers to draw, upen his. Wife* • 

Horn.Noi that muft.«otbe. 

Mr. Pinch. You fhen (hall go firft, 'tis all one -to me, 

[Offerj to draw on. Horner, Jl,^t hy Harccfurtg - 

tiarc. Held— 
t»Ur ^/r Jafper Fidget, JLady Squeamiih, Mrs^ Dainty/ 
Fidget, Mrs. Squeamifti. ^^gle 

Sir yc^^ Wfc«t'4 th6 matter, . what'« the natter, pray,, 

what's - 



^he Country Wife. 9i 

what> the matter ? Sir, I befccch you communicate, Sir ? 

Mr. ?tnch. Why, my Wife has communicated, Sir* as 
your Wife may have done too, Sir, if fhe knows him, Sir— 
B'lrjajp. P(haw,wkhhiiii, ha, ha, he. ,. ^ . 

Mr. Pmcb. D'ye mock me. Sir, a Cuckold is a kind ot a 
wildBeaft, have a cave. Sir— 

Sir Jajp. No, fiire, you mock me, Sir,— he cuckold you . 
It can't be, ha, ha,, he, why, I'll teUyoi>, Sir. 

[Offers to ivhtjpir. 

Mr. Pinch. I tell you again, he has whor'd my Wife, and 
yours too, if he knows her, and all the Women he comes near j 
*tis not his Diffembling, his Hypocrify can wheedle me. 

Sir Jajp. How, does he diffemble, is he a Hypocrite ? N^ 
then— how-*-Wife— Sifter, is he an Hypocrite ? 

OWLa. Squeam. An Hypocrite, a Diffcmbler, fpeak young 
Harlotry, fpeak, how ? 

Sir JaJp. Nay, then— O my Head too O tho\> libidmout 

Lady ) 

Old La. Squeam. O thou Harloting Harlotry, haft thou 
don't then? ,. « ^ 

Sltjajp, Speak, goodiiaf»fr,artthouaDiircmbler, Rogue? 

Haft thou— 

Horn, Soh— 

lucf. ril fctdi you off, and her too, if ftie will but hold her 
Tongue. {Apart to Hornft,. 

Bfm. Can'ft thou ? Tl! give thee— , {Apart to Lucy. 

Luey. [To Mr. Pmcbnmfe.'] Pray have but patience to hear 
me. Sir, who am the unfortunate Caufe of all this Confufioo. 
Your Wife is innocent, I only culpable ; for I put her upon 
telling you all thefe Lyes concerning my Miftrcfs, in order to 
the breaking olF the Match between Mr. Sfarki/b and her, to 
make Way for Mr. Harcourt. 

Spark. Did you fo, eternal Rotten-tooth ? Then, it feems, 
my Miftre(s was not falfe to me, I was only deceived by you. 
Brother, that ftiould have been, now Man of Conduft, who 
is a frank Perlbn now, to bring your Wife to her Lover— ha— 

Lucy, laffureyou. Sir, (became not to Mr. Homer ixxoi 
Xove, for (he loves him no more — . 

Mrs. Pinch. Hold, I told Lyes for you, but you (hall tell 
none for me, for I do love Mr. Homer wiA all my Soul, and 
no body fliall fay me nay j pray, don't you go to make poor 
Mr. Homer believe to the contraiy, 'tis fpitefully done of you^ 
i'm (ure. 

Horn. Peace, dear. Idiot- [AJide to Mrs. Pinchwift, 

Mrs. Pinch. Nay, I will not peace. 

Mr. Pinch. Not till I make you. 

£»/^ Dorilant, Quack. 

Dor. Horner^ your Servant^. I am the DoSor's Gutfti he 
auiftexoilcQiir.Intruiian.. . DgizedbyGoog ^^^ 



82 The Country Wife. 

S^ci^ But what's the inattcr, Gontkinen, for Heaven> 
hkcf what's the matter ? 

Hofyt, Oh, 'tis well you are come— 'tis a cenibrious World 
we live in ; you may have brought me a Reprieve, or clfe I had 
died for a Crime I never committed, and theic innocent Ladie» 
had fufFer'd with me ; therefore pray fatisfy thefc worthy, ho- 
nourable^ jealous Gentlemen— diat— [Wot/pers, 

Sluack. O, I underftand you,, is that all— Sir Jajf^^ by 
Heavens, and upon the Word of a Phyfician, Sir— 

Sir Ja^* Nay, I do believe you truly— pardon my virtuous 
X,ady, and dear of Honour. 

Old La. Squeam. What, then airs r%ht again ? 

Sir JaJ}. Ay, ay, and now let us (atSy him too. 

[Tbiy ivhijper <tvitb Mr. Finchwife- 

Mr. Pinch, An Eunuch ! Pray, no fooling with me^ 

Sluaci» Vli bring half tlie Surgeons in Town to fwear it. 

Mr. Pinch. They— thcyll fwear a Ma» that bled to deatb 
thro' his Wounds, died of an Apople^. 

S^ack. Pny^ hear me. Sir— why aU the Town has lieas^ 
:|3ie Report of him. 

Mr. Pinch. But does all the Town believe it ? 
. ^ack. Pray, inquire a little,, and firft of all thefe. 

Mr. Pincb. I^mfiire, when I kft ihe Tomiy he «^ the^leud- 
^*ft Fellow in'i. 

^uack. I tell you. Sir, he has been in /5v35f<«v Uncej prajr 
ftik but thefc Ladies and Gentlemen, your Friend Mr. Dor'tlant. 
Genttomen and Ladies,. hsaCt you aU heard the late lad Report 
* of poor Mr. Horner? 

AU Ladies, Ay» ay, ay^ 

Dwr, Why, thou jealous Fool, do'd thou doubt it ? he's axk 
€rrantFr«?fA Capon.. 

Mrs. Pinch, "ti* falfe, Sir,, you (hall not difparage poor 
Mr. Hbmery for to my cenain ^rowlcdge— 

Lucy, O, hold — 

iSSgw^tf;** Stop her Mouth — [Afide talAXCf. 

Old La. Fid^. Upon my Honour, Sir,. *tis as true. 

[Ta Pinchwifc.. 

Dain, D'ye think we would have been feenin his Company— 

Sqaeant, Truft our unljpotted Reputations with him ! 

Old La. Pidg, This you get, and we too, by trufling your 
Secret to a Fool— . [Afiie to Homer.- 

Horn, Peace, Madam,— well, Doftor, is not this a good 
l>efign that carries a Man on unfuipe£ied, and brings him off 
life— [AJide to Quacks 

Mr. Pinch* Well if this were true, but my Wife— \AJide. 
[Dorilant nuhifiers <witb Mrs, Pinchwifc* . 

if^i^ Come, Brother, your Wi6e is yet inn<{cent, you fee, 
^t hasre a.care of toaftrong an Imagination, lefty like an over • 

concexn'd^ 



^he Country Wife. 83 

concern^'d timorous Gamefter, by fancying an unhicky Caft, it 
(hould come : Women »nd Fortune areUveft iUll to tbofe that, 
truff^em. 

Lucy. And any wild thing grows but the more fierce and hull- - 
gry for being kept up, and more dangerous to the Keeper. 

Alith, There's Doftrine for all Huibands, Mr. HarcourU 

Hare* I edify, Madam, io much, that I am impatient till I 
am one« 

Dor, And I edify fo much by Example, 1 will never be one, 

Sfark, And becaulie I will not difpaiage my Parts, I'll neer 
be one. 

Horn: And, I alas, can't be one. 

Mr. ?'wch. But l mu& be one«--againft my Will to a Coun* 
tiy Wife, with a Country- murrain to me. 

Mrs. Pinch. And I muft be a Country Wife ftill too I find ; 
ior I can't, like a City one, be rid of my mufty Huiband, and 
<Jo what I lift. [4/WIp. 

Horn. Now, Sir, I muft pronounce your Wife innocent, iho* 
I blufli whilft I do k, and I am the only Man by her now ex< 
posM to Shame, which I will ftraight drown in Wine, as you 
(hall your Sufpicion ; and the Ladies Troubles we'll divert with 
a Ballad. Do^or, where are your Maf^ers ? 

Lucy. Indeed ftic's innocent. Sir, I am her Witncfs, and 
her End of coming out was but to fee her Sifter's Wedding, and 
what ftie has faid to your Face of her Love to Mr. "Homer y was • 
but the ufual innocent Revenge on a Huiband's Jcaloufy \ wa« 
it not. Madam, fpeak— 

Mrs. ?hKh* Since you'll have mc tell nwrc Lyc»— 

\^Afide to Lucy and Homer* 
Ye«j indeed. Bud. 

Mr. Finch. 

For my own fake» fain I wou'd all belieTe, 

Cuckolds^ like Loversj ftiou'dthemfelves deceive* 

But— l^ighs^ 

His Honour is leaft fafe (too late I find) 

Who trufts It with a foolifh Wife or Frioid, 

A Da»u of QickM^ 
Hormr* 

Vain Fops bat court and dreft, and keep a pother^ 
Topafs for Woinen's Men, mith one another. 
But he who aims by Women to be priz'dy 
Firft by the McO| you kc, muft be defpis'd, 



EPILOGUE. 

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EPILOGUE 

Spoken by Mrs. KNEP. 

No Wyou thi Vigorous^ ivho daily here 
O'er Vixard Mask in fuhlick donuneer^ 
And nuhatyou^d do to her, if in Place ivbere ; 
Nay, Jba've the Confidence to cry. Come out. 
Yet lAjhenJhefays, Lead on, you are notfiout : 
But to your *wm-dre/s^d Brother ftraigbt turn^ round, 
And cry. Fox w her, ^td, Jhe can'* the found. 
Thenflink a^er^, afrejh one to engage, 
Witbfo muchfeeming Heat and losing Rage, 
You'd frighten Ufi*ning Adrefs on the Stage i 
^illjhe at lafi hasfeenyou huffing come. 
And talk of keeping in the Tyring-rvom, 
Yet cannot hepro^oKd to lead her home ; 
Next you FalftafFs of fifty, nvho he/et 
Your Buckram Maidtn- beads, *whichyour Friends get ; 
And, njohiljl to them you of Atcbi elements boaft, 
^heyjhare the Booty, and laugh at your.CoJi, 
In fine, you Efjfenc d Boys, both Old and Young, 
Who <wou'd he thought fa eager, brisk, and Jirong, 
Yet do the Ladies not their Husbands <wrong ;. 
Whofe Purfes for your Manhood make ~Excufe, 
And keep your Flanders Mares for Sbtvj, not Vfe ; 
Encourag d ly our WomatCs Man To-day, 
u^ HofnerV Part may 'vainly think to play ; 
And may Intrigues fo bafhfully difo'ivn, 
That thty may doubted be byfe^ or none, ^ 

^iay kijsthe Cards at Picquet, Omire,^-"'^ Lu, 
And/o be taught to kifs the Lady too ; 
But, Gallant Sy ha*ve a care; faith, ivhatyou do. 
The WorUl; mjhich to no Man his Due *wiilgi*ve. 
You by Experience know you can deceive^ 
And Men mcy fiill hdieve you *vigorous, 
Bitt tbm Wi lirofden, ■ ■ theris no cous^ning us. 



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